My new Job

Well I got a new job down here in gulfport as a cashier. It didn't take me long to realize how much I missed working in retail. I never thought I would get back into retail but I still love it. It is rough on my back but I am dealing with that the best I can. Take the pain and go on with it. I still like living here. I have been here over a month. Its been several weeks since I have seen my family and I do miss them. Ive never been this long without seeing them. It is hard but I can handle it. I talk to them every day and that helps. Katie came for the weekend to see me and we have had a good time hanging out. It was good to see a familiar face. I don't know anyone here except CeCe and Stephen and the people I work with. They are all nice and I enjoy working with them. I am only making minimum wage but that is better than nothing. It is full time so I am proud of that. I was really beginning to worry if I was going to find a job or not. But it happened and I am happy. Michael is driving me crazy wanting me back. I had a long talk with his Aunt tonight about it and my mind is made up. I am better without him because all he is going to do is bring me back down and thats not something I need in my life when I have came so far now. I don't want to be back in that dark hole again. It was no fun there. There are things I miss about him and things I dont miss. I can't physically, mentally or emotionally take the arguing anymore. 5 years of it was enough and I deserve much better than that. I was really good to him and he never appreciated it until I was gone and wasnt doing shit for him every day. Well that was his loss. He fucked that up. I hope he finds a woman or man that treats him the way he treated me. I am going to go for now but not forever. I love you CeCe..

Living in GulfPort

This morning I packed the rest of my stuff into CeCe's car and headed south to my new home in GulfPort. It was hard to say bye to all my family but I know I will be happier here with CeCe and Stephen. Stephen and I have gotten close and I like it. I am so glad to be able to see my babygirl every day. I have waited 8 months for this. Being away from her weeks and months at a time was so hard. I will miss my family. I have never been away from them all like this. Momma got very upset driving off from me this morning but I know in a few days she will be ok. I thought I would cry as I drove down the driveway but I didn't. In a way I felt relieved. I am sure in time I will start missing Pontotoc but as of right now I do not. Im ready to get a job and get started living my life here. It is so beautiful here and I am with 2 of the most beautiful people I have ever met. Makes life grand. I brought Snickers back with me today and she seems to be adjusting well to the change. Her and Bo play well together. Im glad they like each other. I dont think sylvester likes her too much. maybe in time he will be ok with her. Right now all 3 of us are sitting on the back porch watching SurvivorMan. It is a cool show. I am gonna go for now but not forever. I love you Cece!
 

In the Great place called Gulfport

I am in Gulfport with my baby. The trip down here was great...and when we finally got here it was even better. I am so glad to get to spend these days with her. I have missed her a lot and have been dying to be with her again. Stephen is going to fix my car. He is a great guy. I will be paying them back even though they say Im not. It was good to see BoBo when we got here. He has gained a little weight since last time I seen him. He is an awesome dog. The weekend has just began. I so needed this time with CeCe. I can't wait to go down to the beach and walk around with her. I am goig to go for now but not forever. I love you CeCe

Had a great week

My baby came wednesday night and stayed til Sat morning. I think this was the hardest time I have had after her leaving. It killed my soul. I love this girl so much and i enjoy every minute we spend together. I had an awesome time with her here. Just being around her makes me so happy. Our intimate times were amazing. The times just laying in bed talking were amazing also. Driving her car and having her sit beside me and us talking and my hand on her leg was great. I had a little emotional break down thursday night. I had so much on my mind and I have made a lot of mistakes and I hope she knows I do love her with everything in me no matter what mistakes I have made and she is my whole world and I can not live my life without her in it. I feel us growing closer again and i love this feeling and I never want us to grow apart again. I never want to go thru that and feel that again. I never want to make her feel that way again. She is my life and my world. I had the best time with her here. I started orientation this week and it has only been 2 days and I am mentally exhausted with all the stuff i have to learn. I hope I can do this and do it good. Its going to be a stressful job but I think I can do this. We have to do the documenting right on with no mistakes and thats what worries me the most. But I am sure I am stressing for nothing. Right now i need a stiff drink...but thats not happening because I have to be back in orientation in the morning....the rest of the week is going to be stressful...Thursday and Friday are going to be physical...hopefully I will get through this without hurting myself. I am gonna go for now but not forever. I Love you CeCe

Good Morning

Well I stayed with Leann last night. Her and I stayed up like really late talking about a lot of things. She is trying to do better and I hope she continues. I do love her with all my heart. I slept in her big ass comfortable bed with her :) Haven't slept in bed with her since I was little. We laid in bed and talked for a while too and then we both drifted off to sleep. I tossed and turned a lot but I slept ok. I have got to someone figure out a way to get my mind to stop racing at night so I can sleep. Just have way too much on my mind. I really hope I get a call from the man at MillCreek next week. If I can get on there I want to save money and then transfer to Magee, Ms. I am ready to leave Pontotoc. Although some think I won't, they will see. I have to get the 2 window units put in my trailer today if it will not rain all day. It isn't raining right now but no one is up to put them in for me. I feel so tired. My back is hurting some this morning. I had an intense dream and I think I stayed tensed up during the whole dream and it made my back hurt. Im fixen to go find me something to drink and just relax a little while. I am gonna go for now but not forever.

Been a While

It has been a while since I have blogged. A lot has actually happened. A few weeks ago CeCe and I met in Richland and stayed the night in a hotel. It was great to spend time with her. We have went through a lot lately and we both have shed tears and made mistakes but we are doing ok. I do love her with all my heart and I want to be with her the rest of my life. I could never love anyone like I love that woman. She completes me and she is my reason for living everyday. She warms my heart and gives me butterflies. She always knows how to make me laugh and she always listens and cares when something is wrong. We live far apart but she is with me every second in my heart. I gave her my heart a long time ago and she holds it gently and I hold hers. She is my world and I miss her every second of every day. It is hard not getting to see each other but we have been together for 6 months and we have made it this far. Grant it we have had our problems like everybody does in a relationship. Our only real problem is the distance but we have hung in there so far and we have made it. I fucked up really bad and I almost lost her and I don't know what I would have done if she hadn't of forgiven me. We both have made mistakes and it caused a lot of mixed feelings but I know in time we will be back to the way we was. My heart beats only for her. She will prolly never fully understand what she means to me. When the time is right I will tell her but even then Idk if she will fully understand. She doesn't realize how beautiful and wonderful she really is. The touch of her hand makes my heart melt. No one has ever done that to me. I give her my heart, mind, body and soul. I am very much in love with her. And everyday it gets stronger....and at the same time everyday it gets harder being away from her. My heart longs for her, my body aches for her and my eyes cry for her. Hopefully soon we will see each other again. On the 28th of June I had a fun party and it was fun. Rehgan, Becka, aunt gail, aunt ruby, laken, and katie came. We all had a good time. The next day after my party I went to the lake for 3 days and I had a good time and I took snickers and she enjoyed herself. I came home earlier than I had planned because I got sick while I was there and I am still sick but I am better than I was. I went to the dr and got 2 shots and they helped for a few days, but it hasn't completely went away. On the 28th of July Rehgan and Becka are having a fun party and they are serving Hunch punch...thats gonna be interesting. I know we will all have fun. CeCe and Stephen got moved in their new house this past week and weekend and I know they are really tired and ready to just rest. I know they are going to be happy there and I am happy for them. They have a great marriage. Something I always wanted but never had. But shit happens. 2 days ago I was at Wal Mart and Michael and I made eye contact and that was very disturbing to me. The way he looked at me was a look he has never given me. After we made eye contact he made a beeline for the back and he stayed in the back I guess until I was out of the frozen section. Its hard to look at him and not think about the 5 years I spent with him. Do I want him back? No i dont...I do miss his presence at times because I hate being alone. I do sometimes miss how he would make me laugh and I miss the michael that I once loved....but people tell him I say I want him back and I have never said that. Me and him tried too many times to make this marriage work and it just wasn't meant to be like I once thought it was. I have moved on and I love someone else now and I hope he has fell in love again to and I do honestly wish him nothing but happiness. I talked to my baby for a while on the phone tonight. It is always so relaxing to talk to her and she makes me laugh. I am so incredibly happy with her. Baby I love you so much and please never forget that. I am gonna go for now but not forever. I Love you CeCe

Just another Day

Well its friday...I have physical therapy at 3:30...not looking forward to that but I recon I gotta go. Hope mom is feeling better today after falling yesterday. She is just going to be sore for a few days. Guess Im going to have to start doing everything for them so the dont get hurt...seems like every time something happens when Im not doing it for them. Idk what else I will do today. I guess clean house. Im still at Katies right now. Leann is gone to work and Katie and Nicki are still in the bed. I didn't sleep worth a shit as usual. I should have just gotten drunk like I wanted to. But I didn't...Tonight may be a different story...Im sure Leann will go to the VFW again...so Idk what Katie is gonna do. I guess her and Nicki will either stay at home or come to my house to keep me company..or hell I may just come back down here and keep them company. Either way is fine with me. Im gonna go for now but not forever.

Fathers Day

I hate fathers day. But i got up and went to church and sang my heart out to my daddy. I left crying. My heart was so broken all day...I laid in the livingroom floor on a mattress with a pic of me daddy beside me and cried. He did a lot wrong in his life and was not the best person but he was my daddy and I loved him and I still do. It was always a love hate thing with him. But above all he took care of me when nobody else wanted me. He had a lot of anger problems and I know that now and I know why. I miss his laugh and his smile. I miss all his jokes and stories. I am trying so hard to hang on to all my memories and memories of his laugh and his voice. But those 2 things are slowly drifting from my mind. I went to the cemetary and the wind had blown his flowers off his grave and I seen them in the woods and I went into the woods and got them and put them back on his grave and I fell to my knees crying at his tombstone. I have so many emotions built up...I kept thinking about the last fathers day I had with him and how he never got to see what I got him because he was so sick and didnt even have the strength to open his eyes to see them....and 4 days later he died....I was holding his hand when he took his last breathe and then i passed out....and I woke up on the floor to momma screaming and michael holding my head....him and the preacher caught me and kept me from hitting my head on the floor....I have never felt pain in my heart like that day and every day since. i still remember it like it was yesterday....i gues that is a memory i will never forget....although i would like to forget that day....Today i have been just so on edge and ill...I haven't slept good in a few nights and when I do sleep I have bad dreams about different people...Idk whats going on...but there is so much going on in my head that i can't even get it all out...I can't talk to no one about it...i just keep it all inside and hope it all just goes away...but I know deep down it is not gonna go away...Idk...I am gonna go for now but not forever...

Another Day

I haven't gotten a chance to blog in a while. I am enjoying being at home. Got my Direct Tv working and I have my DVD player going...Got my livingroom furniture put where I want it. Still got stuff I gotta do to make me completely happy... I have thought about CeCe so much here lately. It is 11 days til she will be here and I can't wait to see her and be in her arms again. It will be so nice. Snickers and jake both are tied up now...Snickers is heartbroken. Makes me sad. But it will be ok...I went to therapy Friday and he about killed me and I go back Monday...I gotta go to the Chiropractor Monday also. I went swimming yesterday and it about killed me...I jumped in 3 or 4 times....and did flips and stuff....prolly wasnt the smartest thing to do but I enjoyed myself. I am ready to go back to work. I just hope my back will continue to improve and not go back down hill whenever I start working again. My therapist said my line of work can undo everything he has worked to make better...I am so hoping not. Idk what i will do if that happens. I guess it will mean the CNA career will be over and I will have to go back to cashiering until I could go back to school. Momma and David are taking the van and I have no way to go...which totally sucks ass...oh well....I am gonna go back home and do some more cleaning and stuff. I am gonna go for now but not forever.... I love you CeCe.

Its Monday

Well today is Monday....it has been an ok day I guess....I went to the Chiropractor this afternoon...I have to start Physical Therapy Wednesday. I know it is going to be painful and I am not lookin forward to it but if it will help me then I am willing to endure more pain. I am gonna be off work a little while...unless I find another job that I can handle doing. Its obvious CNA may not be what I can do anymore. I am realizing that now. CeCe and I talked on the phone a while when she got off. It was good to hear her voice. I love talking to her. Sorry you got violated honey :) I am going to violate you too but I think you will like it when I do it. I haven't heard from Aunt gail..her and Aunt Ruby were at the lake with momma and David yesterday. I hope they all had a lovely time...Im sure I was talked about and thats fine...I do not care anymore...I guess it gives someone else a break when they talk about me. I went by sonic and got a watermelon slush. I love these damn things...Im addicted...Paula and my Aunt Rhonda are coming over here..YAY!! NOT! They will be here soon. I don't know why they want to see me but whatever I guess....I am gonna go for now but not forever.. I love you baby!

Been a bad day

I got up this morning and went to the dr. Well I have to have physical therapy and go to the chiropractor every day. Well while mom and I was at the dr office my aunt gail calls to see what all the dr is saying and she makes and very hurtful and mean comment that I overheard as they were talkin and I went off in the dr office. I was crying and cussing. Momma just hung up the phone. Her and I argued all day because that pissed me off and hurt me so bad and momma didn't even call her back and defend me. But thats ok....she is gone back to the lake now and I hope she stays down there until they r ready to come back home. My plans are to be moved back in my trailer when they get back. I talked to my boss and I still have a job and she is going to try to put me on part time instead of full time until I get done with physical therapy. There is still no guarantee I can be a CNA so I will be looking for another job to do. I may have to go back to being a cashier until I can go back to school. I will work anywhere just about just to be able to stay in my trailer. I have always said I would never work in fast food but if thats what I gotta do to pay my bills and be in my house I will do it until something better comes along. I am to the point of doing anything. I do not know what I would have done without my baby today. She helped me get thru this day and she never lets me give up and she loves me unconditionally. I am so happy with her. I really couldn't face a day without knowing she was on my side and that I have her in my life. She truly is my everything and I love her with every ounce of my mind body and soul. I can't wait to have her in my arms again. Baby I do love you so much. Katie is here and she is going to help me get my trailer completely ready and move my stuff back in. I can't wait to get my life back and live my life the way I want to. Atleast if people are going to talk about me I wont be around to hear it. Cause I know I will be talked about and that is fine. People can judge me and think what they want about me. Whatever makes them happy. All I am worried about is me and my sweetheart. As long as we are ok then IDC about the rest of the world. I just want to work and pay my bills and be able to do things and make it on my on. Some people seem to think I dont want to work and thats complete bullshit because I have always loved to work...and I worked my ass off to be a CNA. Some things just make no sense at all...but whatever...I will prove EVERYBODY wrong. Well I'm going to stop bitchin now...just needed to get that off my chest. I am gonna go for now but not forever. I love you CeCe.

Hurting

I am sitting here with Aunt Gail. Her air quit in her trailer so she came over here so she don't have a heat stroke. I am hurting so bad and I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should go to work and risk having to leave or just stay home and call in. I am sick to my stomach about this shit. I don't understand why it has to be this way and why I can't just be normal now. But apparently I am not supposed to ask why...but I do anyways. No matter if I am sitting, standing, laying, I can't get comfortable. It just sucks and it is so depressing. I gotta make up my mind what I am going to do. I was so hoping I would be able to continue to do CNA work but I am just not sure if i can or not. Time will tell. I really need someone to just hold me and tell me I am going to be ok. But the one person I need is 5 hours away. But just hearing her voice helps me and I know she loves me and would be here if she could. I guess I am just being a baby. Idk...I just need someone to pick me up and make me feel better. I fell asleep earlier and had a freaking stupid dream...I woke up pissed. Idk why I dream some of the things I dream. Some things just make no sense at all. We are sitting here watchin Days of Our Lives. Thats the only Soap Opera I have ever liked. Its getting sad because Lexi is going to die soon. I haven't done anything today. I was hoping resting would help me but it hasn't. I have so much I want to type but I just can't do it. Maybe I'm closing back up. Idk...I don't want to do that but I feel myself holding back on a lot of things with a lot of people. Idk...I am gonna go for now but not forever.

Just another day!

I had a great afternoon and night last night skyping and talking to my darlin. It was so good to see her. She is so beautiful. Maybe one day she will believe me. We had some great phone sex too...lol...I love to hear her moan and cum. I can't for her to come see me in a few weeks. It still feels so far away. I just want to put my arms around her and kiss her. I miss her touch, her kiss, her smile, her laugh. I miss everything. She has no idea what she does to me. I do love her with everything in me. I went to sleep about 1:15 this morning. I stayed up as long as I could. I was so tired. I slept til 6:30. I will have to lay down again sometime today before work. My back was hurting really bad when I got up. Idk if Ill be able to work tonight. It is really about to get on my last nerve...I go in the morning for the MRI. I really want to know whats going on and what my future is looking like with my back. I have a feeling Im going to be heart broken. Its just doesnt feel like a muscle to me. It feels like it always has....a bulged disc....I will know soon enough. My baby is at work. I have thought about her a lot this morning. Thats nothing unusal. I don't think she ever thinks about me...lol...jk...I can't believe my friends husband died. Thats crazy. Her and their 2 boys are going to be completely lost without Scottie. Its so sad. My phone goes off at Midnight tonight. Gotta try to get me some mins. Ill be glad when I get paid and I can get a $25 card or something. Right now my left leg its hurting. Something is on the nerve in my leg again. This shit is for the birds. I don't like it at all. My sinuses are trying to fuck up today. I hate that too. Snickers chased a fucking tractor down the road this morning and me constantly yelling no snickers. She listens so well. She has gotten in a bad habit of chasing vehicles. Im afraid she will be dead in the road one day if she keeps being stupid. She will not listen to me when I tell her no...so there is nothing I can do about it. This weekend I am going to move back in my trailer. Ill prolly still come to mommas some because she has internet. Ill have to blog and check face book and skype with CeCe when we can. I swear I feel like I could go back to sleep. The past 5 days and nights have wore me out. My body is sayin wtf are you doing to me. I guess I am gonna go for now but not forever....I love you baby!

My night off

I woke up at 2:45 and then talked to my honey at 3. I went and got something to eat and now I am skyping with her. I have a load of clothes in the washer. I have so much I want to get caught up on while I am off tonight. I have a lot of laundry to do. Momma and David will be back tomorrow sometime. It is so hot outside. I think it is going to be a rough summer....I had a decent night at work. I was really tired when I got off. I slept pretty good for a few hours. I have to find something to do to stay up all night tonight. I guess I will find something interesting on tv to watch. I am sitting here looking at my baby on cam and realizing how much I truly do miss her. Its so hard being away from her. Im glad we are getting to skype today. I have missed seeing her beautiful face. :) I am gonna go for now but not forever. I love you Baby!

4th night at work

Well I have been home for about 30mins. Had a long night at work and I am tired. I work tonight but then I'm off Monday night. Im ready for my day off. My body is still screaming at me asking me what the hell I think I am doing. My back hurt some while I was at work. I really hope I do not have a spell like I did the other night. I go Wednesday and have a MRI done on my back to see what is causing my pain. I hope and pray its just muscles and not another disc messed up. It scares me to even think about it. My baby is at work. I miss her so much.Can't wait to see her again. Just a few more weeks. Maybe I can last that long. Went to Aunt Kathys yesterday for a cookout and swimming. I floated around in the pool for a little while. I knew I wouldn't be able to swim because of my back. I enjoyed talking to Pam. I have thought about her several times since I left the cookout. She is so broken hearted over her husband killing himself. They have 3 kids together. I just don't understand why he did it. But its not left up to me to wonder. I hope Pam will pull thru this and be ok and I hope her kids are going to be ok too. Well I am sitting here and can barely keep my eyes open. They are telling me its time to sleep. I am goin to go for now but not forever. I love you CeCe

First Night At Work

Well I enjoyed my first night at work. I like the girls I work with. My back is a little sore but not hurting. I forgot to wear my backbrace. I am going to try to remember to go get it tonight and wear it and see how much of a difference it makes. When I got home I couldnt go right to sleep. So I fell asleep about 9 and at 1230 I woke up like I had been sleeping for days. I finally fell back asleep about 130 or so and woke up at 3 to talk to my babygirl....I will lay back down sometime tonight and take a nap before work. I have not worn closed toe shoes since sept and my feet could not breathe last night....they hurt some but not too bad....they were kinda swollen from the shoes....when I pulled them off I swear I heard AHHHHH...lol...it will take me a while to get used to shoes...but in time I will. I am trying to talk Aunt Gail into stopping by Taco Bell on her way home and getting me something to eat :) She loves me so she is gonna do it. I soooo missed talking to CECE this morning. But I got to talk to her at 3. I do miss her so much. Idk if she even realizes how much. Just the touch of her hand in mine, her lips on mine, and her arms in mine. I just want to be in her arms so bad right now. I still have a month to wait. I really hope time flies and it hurries up and gets here. Its hard being away from someone you love. I am looking forward to work tonight. It shouldnt take me long to catch on to everything. I am going to go now but not forever. Baby I love you!

Nervous

I am so nervous about starting my new job tonight. I could throw up. I haven't worked since Oct...the first few nights are going to be rough. I am nervous cause its a new place and new people. I am also nervous because I am worried about my back. I keep telling myself that I am fine and that the dr fixed my problem. Im sure Im right and that I am fine. I just gotta be careful and not do anything stupid. I slept for almost 3 hours this afternoon. I know in the morning I am going to crash. I am going to be so tired. Will take me a few nights to get used to it. I am just sitting here with the tv off and staring at the walls thinking. Thats never good. I think way too much as it is. Momma and David are gone to the lake and it is so quiet in here. Feel kinda lonely in this big house. Next week I am prolly gonna get completely moved back into my trailer. That will be exciting. Start my new life without Michael. Will take me a while to get used to being there by myself but I know I can do it. I will be glad to get my first check. It will be small but its a start. I bought me a new pair of scrubs today. They are cute. I got me some shoes and a stethoscope yesterday. I gotta soon invest in a watch. I hate watches and im allergic to so many of them. But I gotta have one for vital signs. Tonight I will start orientation and work some on the floor with my trainer. Im excited to get to know all the residents. I hope they all like me. I hope all the girls I work with like me. I worry about things like that. Everybody always says I shouldn't worry because everybody always like me. I guess we will see. Aunt Kathy is having a cookout Saturday and I am going. I am going to relax and swim.  I am sure I will have to work that night so I will enjoy the swim. It will be nice to see all the family again. I am a little hungry and don't know what I want to eat. Ill think of something between now and then. It is such a weird feeling to be so ready to start working again and yet be scared to death. I have never been this scared about a job. Maybe I will get over it soon. I am gonna go for now but not forever.

Busy Weekend

Most of the day yesterday I cleaned in the trailer. I am almost completely done. I will be ready to move back in soon. I hope I hear from leisa tomorrow about my drug test. I know I passed so i should start work this week sometime. I am ready to know my schedule. I hate not knowing. Last night I went to Aunt Gails for a while where all the women were playing that game I hate. The laughed and had a good time. Tucker was there and he was snoozing and I have no idea how he slept thru all their loud mouths. While I was there Katie showed up. So since Aunt Gail don't like her too much I left so she wouldnt be there and we hung out at the trailer. I did not sleep good at all. Michael called one of our mutual friends yesterday morning so now I have his number and I text him. He has the papers ready and he has signed. Just waiting on me to sign. And Idk what to do since he owes mom money. The thing is she has no proof he owes her anything. So I am like wtf am I supposed to do because she is going to be mad if I dont get him to sign something saying he will pay her. I am just ready to be divorced and move on with my life...I will figure it all out just like I figure everything thing out one way or another. My honey called me from work today. It was so good to hear her voice. She always makes me laugh. I have lack of motivation today for cleaning up in the trailer so I came up to moms. Maybe later this afternoon I will wont to do it. I am almost done but its draining me for some reason. I think maybe just the day I had yesterday. Not going to talk about that because everything is ok now. I cried alot and put a hole in the wall and now Im mad at myself because I have to fix the damn hole. Thats always lovely...When I got here snickers acted like she hasnt seen me in a week. I swear she is on dope. She is always wide open. Mom and David are getting ready to go to see his mother. Him and his brother are having a meeting with some people today. They are putting his mother on Hospice. Its sad. I hate to watch him go through all this but it happens to everybody. I have so much on my mind that it is unreal. I am so ready to get my life started again. Get my place decorated like I want it and not fucking western bullshit that Michael always wanted. I haven't talked to Paula yet today. Idk if Daniel has moved back in or what. I still am not going to apologize. I am so sick of the bullshit that comes a long with him. Im pretty sick of them all. I love all 3 of them a lot but they stress me out sooo much and I just don't need to be worrying about all thats shit. So I try not to. I am sure she will call me before the day is up. I have got to get over there sometime and get all my stuff. She has it all put up for me so it wont get tore up. I just gotta make myself go over there and get it. Yeah not wanting to go over there too bad right now. Ok well I have rambled enough...I am going to go for now but not forever....

Crazy day...

Well I got the job. I have to wait on the results of my drug test. I have filled out almost all the paperwork. I hope to start next week. So much drama is going on in my life with some of my family...I am just sick of shit. But I am not going to let other peoples stupidity ruin my good mood. I miss my honey and I really want to see her. I do love her so much. I am tired. I could go to sleep and sleep til in the morning. I gotta stay up tho so I can sleep tonight. I am really ready to start work and be able to move back into my place...it will be so good to be able to go back home. I am going to go for now but not forever. I Love You CeCe

Job Hunting

Well I went job hunting this morning. I went to Magnolia Personal Care Home in New Albany. I talked to 2 women there and had a mini interview. The head woman said they do not have anything right now but that you never know when they will need someone so they are putting my application on top. Then I went over to Graceland in New Albany and filled out an application and had an interview. She wants me to try to get my background records from my last place of employment so I do not have to do the finger printing all over again. There is a position open on 3-11 shift. She told me to let her know if I can or can not get a copy of those records and bring them to her. I am really hoping I can get the job. She asked me about my surgery and stuff. She has to call my references and get me checked out...lol..and she asked could I pass a drug test and I said yes no doubt because I am drug free. She seemed like a nice lady. She said if i got hired that they would train me as long as I needed before assigning me my own list of residents. She talked really positive about it. So I am hoping it will happen. I am just so ready to go back home and be in my place. Ready to start my life new and be happy for the first time in a while. Thats all I am ready for. I am going to go for now but not forever...I Love you CeCe

My crazy day

Well I went to New Albany today to take Aunt Gail some lunch and my car started running hot. She had to come get me and I sat at the Tire Shop with her until she got off work. We managed to get my car home this afternoon. It really sucks knowing I am stuck here at mommas until it is fixed. My honey is not feeling well today. Makes me :(. I have had a headache for 3 days now. It has eased up some in the past few hours so maybe I am getting better. I really miss my love. I just want to hold her and run my fingers thru her hair. She is in Laurel tonight. Im glad she is getting to spend time with her dad. I know how much she misses him and wants to be near him. I have thought about my dad a lot here lately...just that time of year with his birthday and all. Time heals all things people say...ummm...I don't completely believe that. Katie Beth still hasn't talked to me. I think it is funny. She makes no sense sometimes. Rehgan has to have a lot of money by Tuesday or she goes to jail. Im freaking out over it. I don't want her to go to jail. If she does there is nothing I can do about it. I just hate to see huston, makayla and Tucker to go thru that. I guess we will know in a few days what will happen. I am going to be a nervous wreck until then. I have so much I want to type and talk about but I'm not going to. Im gonna go for now but not forever. I love you CeCe!

Daddys Birthday

I woke up this morning with my daddy on my mind. He would have been 65 today. I got up for a few hours and then I went back to sleep. The whole time I was asleep I dreamed about Michael. I woke up crying. I wonder if he realizes today is daddys birthday. If he does I wonder what he is thinking or if he has cried. Daddys birthday is always so hard on me. I have so many mixed emotions and things I have to continue to work through. Later on I am goin to go to the cemetary. I hope the things I have to say will help me get passed a lot of things. Some things I have already gotten passed. I couldn't have done that without my sweetheart. I have never had someone to love and care for me like she does. She helps me all the time and I love her so much for it. The past few days my biological father has been on my mind a lot. I think a part of me wants to find him again. I should have never backed away from him back in 04. I should have kept in contact. I do believe he moved to Jackson. Maybe one day I will have the courage to find him and the courage to apologize for walking away from him. That is something I have to live with everyday. I have 2 brothers by him that I have only seen 1 time and that bothers me. I wonder if Mike (my biological dad) ever thinks of me and wonders how Im doing. I know I do him. Maybe I will start trying to find him again. I think I am ready for that now. Maybe Im thinking wrong...There is only one way to find out I guess. I am gonna go for now but not forever. I love you CeCe

Busy day

This morning I went job hunting and then came home and filled out applications online. Me, mom, and pops cleaned up and straightened up in the music/ computer room. I sure didn't feel like doing it but I did it. It looks a lot better in there now and we have more room to move around. I put a cabinet together. That was very interesting. My right ear is killing me. I do believe I have upper respiratory and Sinusitis. Such fun. I have felt like shit for 2 days now. I have had a headache for 2 days and nothing I take is helping it. Idk what's going on, but I can't let it get me down. If I let it get be down then I'll be down a while. My immune system is shit and I can't let that happen. My honey worked 12-8 today. Very different from her regular schedule. So I am kinda lost right now cause I haven't gotten to talk to her. 8 will be here soon then I can talk to her and see if she had a good day. I miss her already and I have only been back home for 3 days. Thats what loving someone does to you. Constantly miss them when you aren't together. I am tired after working all afternoon in the room out there...guess Im just weak from being sick...guess I am going to rest the rest of the afternoon and night. Katie Beth is still not talking to me. That is fine with me. I do not have time for her childish bullshit. I am so ready to get a job so I can move back home. I hope it happens soon cause I am about to lose my mind!!!!!!! I am gonna go for now but not forever. I love you CeCe

Poem I wrote at 1:30am

Memories

Sitting alone I often recall all the memories in my head.

Sometimes they become so overwhelming that I want to just crawl into bed. 

All the storms of my life are creeping upon me.

All of a sudden I no longer feel safe and free.

As I look around at the place and life i've always known, my past comes rolling back.

I wish at times I could make them go away like never ending feet running track.

They always reappear at times not wanted. 

At times I feel like my life is so haunted. 

Some memories are good and some are bad.

I have lots of happy memories and lots of sad.

No matter which memory it is, it will not go away. 

I guess in my mind these memories will forever stay.

By: Natasha Mills

5/8/2012

1:30 am

Great weekend

Well Friday morning I left my moms and headed south. I arrived in GulfPort around 12 or so. I went to see my honey. I was so happy to see her. I didn't sleep good thursday night so I was really tired by the time I got there. I was kind of quiet and they thought I was in a bad mood or whatever but I wasn't. I slept good friday night and I was in a good mood saturday and we had a good day saturday and Sunday. I really enjoyed riding around looking at houses with them. There are some beautiful houses down there. I hope they will find the perfect house for them. I really like Stephens truck..it is nice. I enjoyed every minute I got to spend with the woman I love. Last night I got emotional for a little while. I always do our last night together. But I pulled myself together. The sex this weekend was great. We did something new and now I am sore but it is a great kind of hurt. I Love touching her body and I love when she touches mine. She is right...I can't resist kissing her. I love kissing her. She kisses me and I completely melt!! I fall in love with her all over again every time I am with her. Ha me and Sylvester finally bonded. He is a cool cat. I'm glad he decided he likes me..lol...LMAO chasin bo around with the tennis racket was so funny. He is a precious dog. I wub him. I really do love it in GulfPort. It is so beautiful down there to me. I was supposed to of went to an interview in Meridian. Well I changed my mind about going. Later I may regret that decision just like many others I have regretted making in my life. I want to get a job of some kind and move back in my trailer and that will bring some of my happiness back. I want to move the beginning of next year sometime. But I think I am going to move to GulfPort. In time I will figure that out for sure. I just had to get the dvd player and shit working for momma. Something was unplugged. We are watching a movie...she said she is glad I made it home safely since I had the flat in Macon. I guess I am gonna watch this movie with her. I gonna go for now but not forever. I Love you CeCe.

Been a busy day

Well today has been an ok day pretty much. Mother nature is about to get on my nerves but it didn't stop me from doing what I wanted to do. I went to my trailer and cleaned the kitchen. It was very emotional at times but I made it thru it. When I first got there I found a poem I had written about my daddy a while back and i am not sure how it even got there..but it did..I found a few pics also. But the kitchen is all cleaned and I am happy with how it looks. I have got to get started on the livingroom soon...hopefully tomorrow I will feel up to it. Tomorrow will be a long day for my honey. I am gonna help her thru it best way I can from 300 miles away. Everything is going to be just fine tho. I really miss her a lot. I can't wait to have her in my arms again. In a few weeks I will be able to be with her again. I'm really excited. I love every moment we spend together and I cherish those moments. I have plans to express myself to her that weekend. This will be something I have never done but I feel the need to do it. I want her to know exactly what she means to me and how deep I love her and there is a few other things I am going to talk about that she has been wanting to me to talk to her about. The best thing is...this time when I am crying she will be there to hold me like I need her to and like she has been wanting to do. This woman is my world. I did a lot of thinking over the weekend while I was at Paulas and I have realized its time to move on with my life and get myself together and that is exactly what I am going to do. It is going to be a long road but I am going to do it. CeCe believes in me and helps me through everything more than she knows. Without her I couldn't do this. I am ready to love me again and start my new life. I want to get a job of some kind and stay at my trailer and save money for a while and then plan to move south in time. I do not know how long it will take me, but Im going to make it happen. Aunt Gail just text and asked if I would massage her back. So I guess Im gonna head over there and take care of her for a little while. Im gonna go for now but not forever. I love you CeCe.

Opening Up

Well last night I told a story that I have been avoiding for a long time because I hate thinking or talking about it. It was seriously hard to tell it and I did cry. When you get hurt that bad it is extremely hard to talk about the situation. I am not sure why I haven't already told CeCe the story, but I hadn't until now. I am sure she has always wondered what happened. Well now she knows. I am a little worried about her. She has a lot on her mind and she is questioning different things. No matter what I will always stand by her and be here for her. I am still not sure after a little over 4 months whats this woman has done to me. I don't know why it is sometimes so easy to talk to her and open up to her after I promised myself I would never do that again. What we have is real and my heart is content. I am very comfortable with her and I honestly do not believe she will ever hurt me like I have been hurt in the past. I trust her with everything in me and I have come to realize how much she does care about me. I made her upset yesterday because she is tired of me giving in and getting "used". I am not used to someone giving a damn. I see now how much she does care. I was so glad to get to talk to her this morning. Its always nice to wake up to her voice. She is my sunshine :). She is leaving today for laurel. I hope she has a beautiful weekend with her family. I know she misses them all so much and she loves them so much. Stephens surgery is a few days away. I know he is super excited and CeCe is nervous. I am going to get up with her that morning and be by my phone incase she needs me. I really want to go to paulas this weekend...but Idk if ill be able to or not...guess we shall see. I can't believe it is fixen to be May already. Its crazy how fast this year is going by. Well I am gonna go for now but not forever. I love you CeCe

Love My Honey

Sitting in the music room skyping with my honey and loving seeing her beautiful smiling face. I miss her so much and it hasnt even been that many days since I have seen her. I love her so much. She just doesn't know. But I have promised her I will tell her one day just exactly how I feel. So that time will be coming soon. I love skyping with her and listening to our songs. I love looking into her beautiful eyes as we listen. She is so wonderful. She doesn't think so but to me she is amazing and I could not ask for anything more. I love her with all my heart. I am really not sure why but I felt like typing all this out. I know you are going to read it baby and I want you to know every word is true. I am so thankful for you. You are my everything and please never forget that. Im gonna go for now but not forever..I love you CeCe

Don't feel good

Well apparently I am getting sick. My ear has been hurting all day. For the past hour I have had cold sweats. I have 101.3 fever. that sux. I have actually had a good day. I hate being sick. I gotta try and find my ear drops. I got to talk to my sweetheart for a while on the phone when she got off work today. I love talk to her and hearing her voice. She always makes me smile. I love that girl so much. I am so ready to get out of here. I feel trapped and I am miserable. My only happiness is CeCe. I can't wait be near her and have a life a way from here and get a job and live on my own again. I am just ready to live my own life.  I washed the dishes today. i got tired of seeing knats flying around. The kitchen is still a mess. I guess it will stay that way until I finally give in and clean it. That's how it has been going ever since I moved in. I leave for a few days and the whole house gets destroyed. I swear I do not understand it at all. My honey told me not to clean their mess so I haven't..except the dishes. But I haven't did anything else. I have to take Aunt Gail to the dr. tomorrow. She is in severe pain with her gallbladder. I do believe it is time for it to come out so she doesn't hurt anymore. I'm tired of seeing her in pain. Well I am gonna go for now but not forever. My hands are hurting..Fucking carpal tunnel bullshit. I love you baby!

Happy

Today is a whole new day. Last night I got drunk..yeah maybe I shouldn't have drank that much. Got a slight hangover today. Im good tho. I really miss my honey. We had a good weekend and I hated for her to go home but I know she has her life in GulfPort. Im so excited she told me she got us tickets for Bret Michaels concert. That is such a dream come true. This woman is changing my life and is changing me. I am a better person with her. I have never loved so deep in my life. I would die for her. I have never felt so deep for someone to do that except like my mother. I love being able to call her mine. She is the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last at night. What her and I have is so real. The way we feel for each other is real and we have a strong bond and our love will overcome all the obstacles that cross our paths. We have made it so far. We do hate living so far a part but so far it is working out. I am hoping to solve the distance problem. It may take time but I plan to get the hell out of here. I need to make a life elsewhere for a while. Start my life over and move on from my past. I still have not heard from Michael so I really have no idea what is actually going on with our divorce. Who fucking knows...cause I don't. Looks like Im going to have to get my lawyer to get his ass in gear or something...Idk what Michael is thinking other than he doesn't want to pay momma what he owes her. I'm just ready to be divorced and move on with my life. I have been depressed and shit a lot but above all I feel so much better without him. Took me a while to get passed it all...but I'm not having to argue with someone everyday and I have a peace of mind for the first time in years. It feels good to finally be free. Now I just gotta focus on getting my life together and my future with CeCe. She is wonderful...but she doesn't see that she is beautiful and wonderful. But she definently is and I love her with everything in me. I am sitting here watching a movie on LMN. Its pretty good. Momma and David are still in the bed. Today is their 2 year anniversary. I can't believe it has already been 2 years. I still remember the first time I met David like it was yesterday. Yeah I didn't like the idea at first of him dating my mother but I couldnt stop her and I wouldn't stop her. Now I'm glad I just accepted it because I have never in my life seen her as happy as she is. They are still just as much in love as they were the day they got married. Momma was so beautiful on their wedding day...Memories...well I'm gonna go for now but not forever.. I love you CeCe

Sad

My baby doesn't feel good today. Makes me so sad. I wish she felt better. But mother nature is a bitch and all of us women go thru it and I hate it and I hate when she doesnt feel good. Mine is like 2 weeks late again. I guess it has rescheduled itself...lol...it tends to do that sometimes. Aunt Gail is taking a nap. Hustons fever has been up and down all day. I really hope his ear drum doesn't rupture. I dont want to see him in that kind of pain. He got hungry earlier and said he wanted noodles and tomatos...so I fixed it for him. We have all ate that for years. Most people have never heard of it much less ate it. But it tastes good. I gotta go home afterwhile and get stuff ready to go to Paulas this weekend. I am almost out of cigarettes and I feel an ill night coming on. I will prolly go to bed really early to keep from being so ill. I should just quit again but my nerves are too bad for all of that. Paula and Chris owe me close to $50...so I guess Ill be able to get me some cigs tomorrow afternoon. I worked out some yesterday and it didnt really hurt my back...so maybe I am good to go. I love working out. I love to sweat. I am going to get off here and wash dishes while Aunt Gail takes her nap. She didn't sleep much last night. Her chest and stuff was hurting again. She goes back to work tomorrow so we will see how that goes. Im gonna go for now but not forever. I Love You CeCe

So Excited

Well I found out last night that my sweetheart is coming this weekend to see me and Im so excited. I have truly missed her a lot. I can't wait to hug her and kiss her. I cherish every moment me share together. She is my life and my everything. I love you baby. Im just hanging out at Aunt Gails tonight and we are watchn "The Voice". Earlier today I was at Paulas and hanging out with them. We always talk about a lot of interesting topics...lmao...Gizmo is begging Aunt Gail for some of her apple pie....he is so funny. Little Bit is pissed off because she has a flea collar on. She is running around pouting and pissed. I hope I can sleep tonight. I didn't remember to bring my butterfly pillow with me so I don't have my snuggle buddy. But thats ok cause my baby will be here for 2 nights for me to hold. I let Aunt Gail hear a song earlier and me and her both was crying. Its called "My Angel" by Kellie Pickler.  Its a beautiful song. I just recently realized that May 10,th is around the corner..thats my daddys birthday and then June 21st he will be gone 5 years. I can't believe it has already been that long. On may 10th he would have been 65 years old. When I knew he was dying I prayed for God to let him live to have his 60th birthday. And in 07 he turned 60 and we had a big birthday party for him and then he died june 21...my prayers were answered. Well enough of that...I don't need to get emotional because I have had a good day. Im going to go for now but not forever. I love you CeCe

Nerves are shot!!!

I just got home from Paulas. I had to go over there and calm Daniel down. Him and Paula were fighting. So many harsh things were said. I don't know what is going to happen between them two. They just can't get along and Daniel has so much anger built up. Some reason I always end up in it..I guess I do that to myself...but thats all fixen to stop because I can't handle all the fighting. My nerves are too bad for all this bullshit. I miss my sweetheart. She has been on my mind alot today. I miss her touch, smile, laugh, kiss...everything. I can't wait to have her in my arms again. I love her with all my heart. Maybe one day I will be able to explain my love for her. I woke up this morning about 5:20 with really bad back spasms. They always take my breathe away...I guess if I hadnt of picked the big computer chair up over my head and carried it down the steps into the den i wouldnt have had them. Just hardheaded i guess...No honey I didnt tell you about it because I didn't want you to be mad at me...and I knew if I talked to you this morning you would know something was wrong...and I didn't want you mad or worrying about me. Im better now.... kinda....I love you honey....dont be mad at me please. Im gonna go for now but not forever!! I love you CeCe

The love of my life

You are loved beyond measure.

To me you are a beautiful treasure.

Over the past few months I have given you all of me.

You make me feel so loved and free.

You are my heart, my soul, my everything.

You have no idea how much you truly mean to me.

When I look at you I see perfection in every way.

I hope you know I am always here to stay.

I love all the time we spend together.

When I am in your arms I feel light as a feather.

Never forget how much I love you.

Always remember my love is true.

Its a beautiful day

Well I have spent most of my day inside cleaning. I have a load of dishes in the dish washer and a load of clothes in the washer and dryer. it sometimes seems never ending around here. At times I take breaks and go sit on the porch and enjoy the sunshine and soak up the fresh air. I am really missing someone a lot. not a day passes that i don't wish she was here with me or i was there with her. Hopefully in time we will be closer together. I checked on Aunt Gail and she is feeling better. i checked on Aunt Ruby and she is still sick. Rehgan and I have been texting all day talking about our lives now and our childhood and how much we miss the people we have lost along this road called life. They are all still in our hearts.I recon Rehgan will always be the sister I never had. Though she strayed at times we always found our way back to each other...she will always be a special person in my life and I have always been able to talk to her about anything. I am sitting here at the kitchen table listening to music and momma just came in from the barn. We are just chatting. I am going to fix hamburger helper for supper I recon. I am always coming up with something interesting to cook. I am thinking about writing some poems. I haven't in a while. I have a lot of love to express so maybe Ill do that. Well the clothes are done washing and drying so I guess I better go swap them out and put some more on. Im gonna go for now but not forever. I love you Cece Marks!!

Weekend with my baby

Thursday morning katie and I arrived in Gulfport at 11:30. I felt so free. CeCe was at work so I took a nap and waited on her to get home. I melted when I first seen her and when she hugged me. I have never felt so alive as I did when I was with her. She showed me things I have never seen before and took me places I have never been. I realized how much I do truly love her. Just laying my head on her shoulder as she drove melted my heart. This weekend will be a weekend I will never forget. The beach is amazing and so peaceful at night. My mind was so clear sitting on the beach with her. I felt like I didnt have a worry in the world. It was so nice to feel that way for a few days. Waking up to her beautiful face was amazing. The sex was amazing but just being in her arms was the best part and just sitting next to her on the couch and her having her head on my shoulder while she slept....it just felt so right. Everything felt so right. This is the happiest I think I have ever been. I cried when I realized I had to come back home. It broke my heart to have to leave and watching her drive away this morning to go to work bout killed me...but i had to pull myself together and get on the road home. I got home about 12:30..and the damn house was a mess...trips me out...i took a short nap and then did a little cleaning. Im still so tired...it will take me a few days to recooperate. I miss cece so much already. I never thought I could miss someone so quick...and continuously...but it has happened. Cece thank you for a great weekend and showing me your world and showing me how much you do love me. I had the time of my life and I really do miss you and I love you so much and I dont think I could even put into words how much. Im gonna go for now but not forever. I love you baby.

Been a good day

I got to ride my 4 wheeler a good bit today. It was fun...I felt free for a little while. Then I played around with cheer. She gave me lots of kisses....i wub her!!! She is so beautiful...I really hope momma can win a place in the horse show with her. I have a headache again..thats always great..Aunt Gail came over for a while this afternoon....its always nice to see her shining face :)....so i am skyping with CECE right now and she is playing the one song i truly hate and Im gonna kick her....I am sitting out in the patio listening to the music she is playing and the fucking tree frogs that wont shut up...but its peaceful out here...the day is growing nearer that I get to go to Gulf Port and see my honey. Super excited....ok so my head hurts so im done typing now.... I love you Baby

****Beautiful****

I did not sleep much last night as usual. I got to talk to my honey several times today on the phone and on facebook. Talking to her thru out the day always makes my day so much better. Just the sound of her voice makes me weak. I posted the poem I wrote for her a little over a month ago. I just thought I loved her a lot at that time. There is no comparison to how much I love her now. I really love skyping with her and talking on the phone and texting her. She has completely changed me and I am loving it. I love you baby... :) :) 

Poem I wrote on 3-11-12 for my Baby

Love is Gentle, Love is Kind

Love is gentle, Love is kind. 

I am so glad I can call you mine.

You are my life, you are my world.

In my eyes you are the perfect girl.

You bring out the best in me.

It's your eyes I long to see.

The touch of your hand gives me chills.

I'll never forget the way you feel.

It's not easy living apart.

But baby I do love you with all my heart.

I love the way you look at me and how you make me smile.

You in my life makes it worth while.

I hope you know how much I love you.

Always know my love is true.

Been a Rough 3 days

I have had so much on my mind the past 3 days. So much has been building up. I have realized I am finally grieving over daddy dying and dealing with all that has really gotten to me here lately. Last night I laid in bed texting my baby and telling her a lot of stuff and I cried harder than I have cried in a long time. It did help some to talk about it. Im still shocked I opened up to her like I did. Seems like all day today everybody has been talking about my daddy and I just want to get away from it but apparently I can't. I don't understand why he is being brought up so much. I played aggrevation for a little bit but my head has been hurting all day and I just don't feel like playing. Aunt Ruby is getting drunk and getting loud. She has a high pitched laugh and I want to slap her...I guess I better be nice..she is my Aunt after all. Rehgan, Becka, Huston, and little Tucker came by for a little while. Me and Becka talked for a while. We are listening to oldies music and it makes me want to get drunk or high or something....I need to hear some country or some Poison...I still haven't heard from michael...Im really starting to stress over his bullshit he is pulling. I know I shouldnt let it bother me, but it does. I think I am going to write some poems sometime this week. I have a lot on my mind and poetry always comes out of me when I have things on my mind. Writing is just my way of dealing with things I guess. Well this computer light is not helping my head any so I am gonna go for now, but not forever. Baby I love you and thank you for loving and caring for me like you do. You are my world and you will forever be.

What a Day

This day has been full of emotions...It was a good day then turned to a crappy day then back to good. I love my baby so much. I can't wait to have her in my arms again :) Me and momma got all the raking done and burned the bottom of the yard. I mowed for a while. I cook Lemon Pepper Chicken, baked potato and warmed up the dressing from Christmas that we froze...it was good. I am at Aunt Gails keeping her company tonight. She is having a hard time dealing with Huston being gone. She had her hair dyed blonde....well alot of blonde streaks in it. It looks so good. She used to keep it blonde. Now she looks like Aunt Gail again. Katie acts like everything is ok now. She is truly something else. She has issues and I have come to realize that. I just hope what everyone thinks is not true. I don't want to have to hurt her if it is true....My heart is so overwhelmed...I have fallen for a wonderful person and i don't think she knows how wonderful she really is. I still haven't heard from jackass..idk whats going to happen with the divorce..who fucking knows cause I sure don't. I just want it to be over with. I guess I am just impatient but this is all rediculous how he is acting. I got my stitches out finally and it feels so much better. I can move my finger without it hurting. :) I have so much on my mind. So many mixed things. They all just run through my head all day long. Maybe soon my mind will be able to rest and I will be back to normal again. I sure hope so before I go insane. Im trying to keep it together. Nobody really knows what all goes thru my mind everyday and all day. Best to keep some things to yourself. Of course thats how I have always been. I keep it all bottled up until I drive myself crazy and then I go off the deep end. I have crazy ass dreams all the time. I dont even like to sleep because of my dreams. This past weekend was the first time i didn't dream bad things. I know it was because I was with CeCe and I felt so safe with her beside me. I was relaxed more than I have been in a very long time. I ahve dreams about daddy all the time and that bothers me. They are never good dreams. Always bad. I have dreams of Michael and him acting stupid..im just sick of waking up crying because of my dreams. I can't get my mind to be at peace and I really don't know how to do it. Maybe in time it will all be better. I sure hope so. I am gonna go for now but not forever. I love you CeCe

A wonderful Weekend with the Love of My Life

When Friday got here my anxiety started kicking in. I was so ready to see my Darlin. When I seen her pull up at the store my heart melted. She was finally gonna be in my arms again. I had longed for that moment for a long time. We really enjoyed our time together and she got to meet the special people in my life and they all like her a lot. All I can think about is waking up with her in the bed with me for 2 mornings. That was the greatest feeling. I loved making love to her, kissing her, touch her whole body. She is so perfect and amazing...absolutely beautiful in every way. I fell in love with her all over again and it was awesome. I really hated to see her go back home. But I know she has her life down there. I hope we get to see each other again soon. I miss her like crazy already. She is my heart and I love her with everything in me. CECE thank you for such a wonderful weekend. I love you so much and I can't wait to have you in my arms again. I just want to be near you. never forget you are my life... :) i love you baby...

Gloomy Day

All this rain makes me want to just sleep. I was so mad when I got woke up at 4 this morning cramping. I am still really glad CeCe is coming this weekend. We can hold each other all weekend and talk and just spend time together. Mother Nature had other plans than I did I guess. Atleast we will be together. Im super excited. She will be here tomorrow night. Right now I am sitting in the livingroom with mom and my stepdad talking about dogs, chickens and horse shows. Not my favorite topics but OK....My fucking stitches have been pulling all day and it fucking hurts. I put some cream on my hand a little bit ago and it helped loosen them up and now they are not pulling as bad. I still haven't heard from Michael, he is really starting to piss me off. I dont know what he thinks he is doing by not responding to me. But he is only making it worse on himself...he will figure that out in the end. All I know is he better not wait til the weekend to decide to text or call me because if he tries to fuck up my weekend I will fucking hurt him. I have got to start figuring out what i am going to take with me to the hotel this weekend. I want to atleast look half ass cute for her. If thats possible!!!! JK baby...dont get all fiesty on me...Yeah I really want to cut my left ovary out...this motherfucker is acting retarded today...I hate being a damn woman sometimes...but I guess thats what God wanted me to be so I just have to deal with it. I think ill wear my boots and jeans and my cowboy hat this weekend...JK again honey...Im gonna go for now but not forever...Love you Babe

Lots On My Mind

Yesterday Michael and I were supposed to sign divorce papers. Well a bunch of shit happened and then he pulled a disappearing act. I was so ready to get them signed and get this shit over with so I can move on with my life. It looks as if I am going to have to wait a while longer. He still is not answering the phone or responding to my text messages. It is bothering me a lot. Im pretty pissed about it and hurt at the same time. He lied to me and that was not something I expected out of him. We agreed to do this without arguing and causing trouble. Apparently he wants to do this the hard way and thats not at all what I wanted to do. Its hard enough without arguing and him acting like a child. Maybe he will respond to my messages soon. I hope so anyways cause I am ready to move on with my life and share my life with CeCe. Im so excited she is coming up here this weekend. I can't wait to see her. I gotta make up my mind where we are going to stay so she doesn't have a duck. I guess Im stressing her out because I am so indecisive. Can't help it. I have always been this way...Aunt Gail texted me this morning and wanted me to come help her with her computer...I stayed over there a while and Katie came over to see us. I came back to mommas and started cleaning. My hand is pretty swollen now since I have been using it so much today. Hard to bend it. When I get done cleaning I will put an ice pack on it and give it a rest for the night. I will be so glad when I can go back home. I do not sleep worth a shit and I think it is all catching up with me. Gonna go next week and talk to some nursing homes in New Albany. Im taking my stitches out of my hand sunday so it will all be healed so I can keep looking for a job. I seriously hate living in North Mississippi..there is never any jobs here. not for what I do anyways. It sucks. Snickers tore newspaper up all over the yard this morning...im about ready to pull her fucking teeth out of her head. I have got to catch her and tie her up and I do not want to do that...Idk how long she will be in this chewing on everything stage but she needs to fucking hurry up and get out of it...I gotta get back to cleaning so Im gonna go for now but not forever... Love You baby

Tired

I went to Tupelo with Aunt Gail and momma today. I got me some clothes that actually fit. My hand has been hurting like shit all day...I will be glad when I can use it again. Its so hard doing everything left handed. Maybe by the time I am healed I will know how to do everything with both hands...another way I will be multitalented....I got home and I have been watchin movies laying in my bed with my hand propped up with an ice pack on it. Right now I am watchn "The Blind Side". One of my favorite movies ever. I love Sandra Bullock. She is one of my fav actresses. It is so boring in this room all by myself. I feel so alone. Then I think of CeCe and I start to feel better. I go tomorrow to sign my divorce papers. I have to be there at 4:00pm. I hope I will be able to sign them with my hand fucked up like it is. My whole life will change tomorrow. It will be the beginning of a new life for me. Im ready and excited for a new beginning. I have had a lot of support while going thru this separation and divorce. Without the ones thats seen me thru so far I wouldnt have made it. I love them all. Im gonna go for now but not forever. I love you Baby.

OUCH!!

I'm at Aunt Gails....my whole hand is hurting today...I woke up at about 6:15 about crying. I did not sleep much but when I did I slept pretty good. I think the 3 shots of watermelon vodka I took helped me sleep...I dreamed about me and my sweetheart. I can't wait until she gets here friday night....I just want to hold her and look in her eyes and make sweet sweet love to her. It's hard typing one handed...lol...im trying to get used to using my left hand for everything...The hospital called a little bit ago to check on me. I thought that was nice. Im sitting in Aunt Gails bedroom at her computer and hanging on the wall in a huge frame filled with lots of pictures of my entire family. We were all so young. Looking at these pictures bring back a lot of good memories. Wow how the years have flown by. There is a pic of all us grandkids and I was like 5 in the pic. God that was forever ago. We was at nanny and papaws. I sure do miss them alot. Papaw died in 97 and nanny died in 08. They were very special people. I see a few pics of my Aunt Debbie. She passed away in 07 with breast cancer. She was so beautiful and I miss her a lot also. Im glad Aunt Gail finally got internet. She loves it. Aunt Gail is a special woman. She goes in April to find out about her cancer. They have already done surgery 2 times on her face. The cancer is spreading. It scares me. I love her and Idk what I'd do if I lost her. I'm not gonna think about that right now. Im gonna get off here and go play with Little Bit and Gizzmo...They are climbing on my legs. I love you baby!

Crazy Day

Well I have had a crazy day. I went to the dr this morning and found out they think I need to go to pain management again. I just can't do that anymore. I have some major decisions to make and they are stressing me out. I went and helped paula and chris at the house they are going to rent. It is going to be really pretty when we get done cleaning and get the walls painted. I picked out my bedroom today and I am going to paint it a beautiful blue color and get some pics to hang on the wall. Im excited about that. They already have a bed to put in there for me to sleep on when I stay over there. At their house I can be myself. I like that, cause I can't be myself at my moms house. I am really tired and hurting but I am going to make it. Tomorrow I am going to clean up all michaels shit out of the back yard at my place. I think he should have to clean it up but I guess thats not going to happen so I will get out there and kill myself doing it. My best friend JJ came by and seen me for a little bit. I'm so glad he came to see me. He told me michael hasn't talked to him since we split. That makes no sense to me. JJ has been our best friend for 6 years and we have all always been really close and its just not right for Michael to do that. JJ is not picking sides..he loves us the same...JJ is like the only friend I have that I can fully trust. I can talk to him about anything and its always been that way and I think it always will be. Katie is here with me tonight. She hung out at Paulas with me today. I love this girl with all my heart. I don't know what I would do without her. Michael and I go Tuesday to sign the divorce papers. Soon I will be unmarried again. I am pretty happy about that. It's best that him and I just move on with our lives. I have moved on and I am very happy with CeCe. She is my world. And I am completely hers now...I know she can never be completely mine but thats ok. I do love her and I want this to work and I am going to do everything I can to fight for me and her. Idk what I would do without her. She has completely changed my life..and I am happy for the first time in a long time. I am gonna go for now but not forever. I love you CeCe.

Hmmmmm

Well I didn't sleep worth a shit last night. Couldn't go to sleep. I watched Prey...It was a good movie. Michael called me this morning and I had to meet him at 12 for his lunch. I took him his guitar and his pair of pants. He gave me half of the lightbill money and gave me some money. He is going next week to file for divorce. I hope today was the last time I have to come in contact with him because I gave him all his stuff that he had forgotten. I have no reason to talk to him now. I have a strange feeling he will be contacting me though. We did not talk much while we was together. We didn't even look at each other. I guess it is best that way. I was not sure how it would go being in the same vehicle together again. But it was fine and we did not argue. I guess not speaking is better than arguing and I am tired of arguing...I have dealt with that for 5 years and I am sick of it. I haven't heard from CeCe today...I have missed talking to her. I have a lot on my mind. My stepdad told me that he is always here for me anytime I need to talk and that he loves me. Im glad I have him to talk to when I need to talk. But still he isn't my dad and I really want to talk to my dad. But I guess thats out of the question...since he is not here...Man being in mommas house is really getting to me because this is the most time I have spent in her house since daddy died and a lot of memories are flooding back and make my mind wonder...idk how long it is going to take me to get used to living here and get used to all my memories of daddy here. Its really hard. I think of him all day long. Its getting harder to get thru the days. But I am trying to hold myself together and not completely break down. But I feel like im on the verge of a break down. I have the feeling that I want to get drunk...but I know that is not the answer to it all but I would surely feel good for a little while but I guess Im going to try to hold back from that. I just need something to ease my mind. I was offered some pot yesterday but I turned it down. Im not going down that road...can't do it...Im trying to keep my spirits up and keep myself together....its the only thing I know to do at this point. I am so happy I have CeCe in my life. I don't think I could make it without her. She makes me so happy and I am not sure she realizes how much she has changed my life. I love you baby. 

Can't Sleep

I have tried to sleep but I can't. I have way too much on my mind. A lot of hurtful things were said to me and I can't get them out of my head. I do not want to go through all this bullshit again with my biological family. It makes no sense to intensionally hurt someone. I would never do that to someone else. Deep down I love my grandmother because she is my "grandmother" but I still have a lot of anger towards her from 6yrs ago and she did not help matters none yesterday. Its 1:39 am so it was yesterday. I really enjoyed her fake hug she gave me. She wanted to hug me just as much as I wanted to hug her. Idk why people have to put on a "good" front. That shit does not work with me. Why can't people just be "real"? I guess I'll never know that answer. I just get tired of getting hurt...and I am not falling for her shit again like before. She is a fake and I don't like fake people. If you can't be "real" with me then don't speak to me. Many days I regret ever meeting my biological people because of all the heartache that has came with meeting them. Anyone that is adopted understands why I wanted to meet them and have a "relationship" with them. Most times it is not a fairytale ending...and I don't guess I will get my fairytale ending. But that is ok because the parents that raised me are amazing...My mom and dad. I miss my dad so much. I wanted to come straight home and tell him everything that happened between me and my biological grandmother...but when I got here I realized he isn't here for me to talk to and sometimes that fucking kills me inside. I miss him...omg how i miss him. tear are falling from my face now. I want to tell him so much. Somethings he wouldn't understand but others he would. Life is so different without him. I love my stepdad, but in my heart is where my daddy is. David has always said he would never try to take daddys place...there is no way he ever could in my eyes and my heart. David is good to have around and talk to and he honestly cares about me...Im glad he is good to momma and me. But I want my daddy back and I know I will never have him back. At times I can feel him with me. He shows me that he is here...but I can't hear his voice, his laugh or see his beautiful smile. All those things I hold dear to my heart and I alway try not to forget those things. As time goes on they slowly fade but I'm still holding on. I often wonder what he would say about Michael and I getting a divorce and about the fact that I am a lesbian. Would he approve or would he turn from me? I guess those are things I will never know. I know he sees everything I do so I know he knows whats going on in my life. I know I have broken his heart I am sure. I will never forget the big argument him and I had 2 weeks before he died. I can't get into that I will cry all night if i think too much about it. When Im here at mommas I look around and see alot of daddys things and it brings back many memories. Like the deer hanging on the wall. he had to eat the whole deer by himself because me and momma won't eat deer meat. He never ate deer again after he finished that deer off....I can remember him teaching me how to fish, fly a kite and shoot a pistol. I remember when I got my first 3wheeler at 3 years old and my first 4wheeler at 16 years old. My first car...I can still remember everything. He never out right said he loved me. I would walk in the room and he would say "Tosh have i told you something today?" I would say no daddy. "well I love ya hun" "I love you too daddy"...i miss that...The night before he died he was in a coma and I couldnt get to his head to kiss him good night...he was bald on top all my life and I always kissed him on top of the head...I cried when I could get to him and i pulled up a chair and stood on the side of it and kissed him on his head and said I love you daddy and if you are tired of fighting it is ok to go home. Cancer won the battle in his life. And because of that I never get to see or speak to my dad again in this lifetime. It hurts...real bad. I must keep going and go on living my life without him here...but he is forever in my heart and no one can take that from me. Im gonna go for now...but not forever...I love you CeCe

What A day!

I got a phone call this morning from Paula saying their camper caught on fire last night. So I have been helping them most of the day. I have been upset over some shit with Michael and his family most of the day. But in time its all gonna be over and I am not going to have to deal with them anymore. I hate things turned out like they did but it happens. I have moved on with my life and he needs to do the same. As I sit in this camper all alone typing this blog and texting my baby I have all sorts of things running thru my head...I really miss CeCe and I want to see her so bad. I want to be closer to her. I want to be able to be near her and not 6 hours away. Its hard being apart from someone you love. I need a change in my life and I am seriously thinking about moving. It has been on my mind a lot lately. Maybe i will have my mind made up soon. I guess today is just one of those days that I just want to run a way and never come back. My back and leg has been hurting for 3 days and I dont know why. It worries me at times but I just say fuck it and deal with it. Im gonna go for now but not forever. I love you baby!

Happiness

I just got done cleaning the camper. Now I am sitting here listening to one of my many Reba Cd's. All her songs somehow relate to my life and I love to listen to them. The past few weeks have been crazy at times and wonderful at times. I can feel myself finding true happiness for the first time in a long time. My life is not filled with arguing and drama. I have found a peace within. My mind still works overtime but I know in time all that will get better. But until then I am going to remain strong and live my life like I want to and do the things that make me happy. I have laughed and smiled a lot more lately. I have people in my life that truly love me and care about my happiness and I love and care about their happiness also. Without them my happiness would be gone. The girl I have fallen in love with lights up my life and makes me happier than I have been in years. She has no idea what she does to me. I hope she knows how much I do truly love her and that she never doubts that. Their are a few people that try to get in our way of having our relationship but Im not going to let nothing tear us apart. I hope I make her as happy as she makes me. I can't wait to see her again and to feel her body against mine. Right now Reba's song "How Was I To Know" is playing. This song relates to my life right now...I never thought I'd be this strong to move on from Michael and face my life without him. The fear of being alone is what I have been afraid of. But I realize now that I am not alone. She may be 6hrs away but she is always with me and anytime I need her she will be there for me to talk to. I thought my world was crashing down a few weeks ago...and maybe it did, but I have picked up the pieces and day by day I have been moving on with my life. Sure I miss having someone to hold me or me hold them but in time I will get passed that. I have my baby to hold me when we see each other. She is all I want and need. Im gonna go for now but not forever!! :) :) 

Today is a brand new day

My baby has been at the Hospital for a few nights with her hubby. She has been on my mind a lot. She didn't get to come up but we have talked and texted a lot. Which I love doing. I love all of our conversations and laughs that we share together...oh and the phone sex and sexting ;)....i went and got groceries and got them put up. Michael just texted me and pissed me off of course...but that is nothing unusual. I am ready for him to officially be out of my life so I do not have to deal with him. I love my baby CECE...we are very happy together. I am trying to get adjusted to staying in mommas house...i am not liking it so far...but maybe it will grow on me sooner or later. Katie bug stay with me still...idk what I would do without her and cece...those 2 are my heart and soul. I really can't wait to have my girl in my arms again. its going to be awesome. I love you baby.... Goodbye for now but not forever!!!

My Baby

I never in my life thought I could feel this way about anyone ever again in my life....I am so in love with this girl. She completes me and I can't even begin to picture my life without her. She is coming up here tomorrow to see me and I can't wait to get her in my arms again. She is my heart and soul and I love her with everything in me. The awesome thing is she loves me back. The connection and the feelings we have are over powering. She makes me melt with one touch...her lips are so soft and wonderful. I can't wait to have her in my arms...goodbye for now but not forever!! I Love Celia

What a day

Well I am officially apart of the Hee Woman man haters club...Michael has really pissed me off. I gave him $100 2 weeks ago for gas and he can't even let me borrow $20 for a phone card. I will not ever help him again. Fuck him. He can't help me so I am done helping his stupid ass. He can go fuck himself. I am through with him. FML...

my short trip to Laurel

Last night Katie and I took off to Laurel to see my baby. I was only able to stay 3 hours but it was well worth the trip. I miss her so much already. I can't wait to have her in my arms again and to hold her hand and kiss her beautiful soft lips. I love this girl with everything I have in me and she loves me too and it is so amazing how safe I feel in her arms every time they are wrapped around me. She is so amazing. I have never felt like this before. I am so incredibly happy with her. She tells me all the time she is proud to call me her girl. She just doesn't know what she does to me. I melt at her touch, her smile, her kiss and just looking into her eyes. The feeling is wonderful and I hope it lasts a very long time. She is married and I did meet her husband this time. He is totally awesome and cool to hang out with. I am so glad he accepts me and shares her with me. He told her last night that he likes me and that her and I are cute together. Doesn't get much better than that. I realize I can only be with her forever if she leaves him. I would never ask her to do that. But I am not looking for someone to live with or get married. Maybe later in life ill settle down again. But right now I am in love with this girl and I like things the way they are. She completes my life at this time. I can't picture my life without her. She is amazing and wonderful. I am lucky to have her. She makes me so happy and happiness is something I have not had in a very long time. Im gonna go for now blog but not forever......