Fathers Day

I hate fathers day. But i got up and went to church and sang my heart out to my daddy. I left crying. My heart was so broken all day...I laid in the livingroom floor on a mattress with a pic of me daddy beside me and cried. He did a lot wrong in his life and was not the best person but he was my daddy and I loved him and I still do. It was always a love hate thing with him. But above all he took care of me when nobody else wanted me. He had a lot of anger problems and I know that now and I know why. I miss his laugh and his smile. I miss all his jokes and stories. I am trying so hard to hang on to all my memories and memories of his laugh and his voice. But those 2 things are slowly drifting from my mind. I went to the cemetary and the wind had blown his flowers off his grave and I seen them in the woods and I went into the woods and got them and put them back on his grave and I fell to my knees crying at his tombstone. I have so many emotions built up...I kept thinking about the last fathers day I had with him and how he never got to see what I got him because he was so sick and didnt even have the strength to open his eyes to see them....and 4 days later he died....I was holding his hand when he took his last breathe and then i passed out....and I woke up on the floor to momma screaming and michael holding my head....him and the preacher caught me and kept me from hitting my head on the floor....I have never felt pain in my heart like that day and every day since. i still remember it like it was yesterday....i gues that is a memory i will never forget....although i would like to forget that day....Today i have been just so on edge and ill...I haven't slept good in a few nights and when I do sleep I have bad dreams about different people...Idk whats going on...but there is so much going on in my head that i can't even get it all out...I can't talk to no one about it...i just keep it all inside and hope it all just goes away...but I know deep down it is not gonna go away...Idk...I am gonna go for now but not forever...