Been a Rough 3 days

I have had so much on my mind the past 3 days. So much has been building up. I have realized I am finally grieving over daddy dying and dealing with all that has really gotten to me here lately. Last night I laid in bed texting my baby and telling her a lot of stuff and I cried harder than I have cried in a long time. It did help some to talk about it. Im still shocked I opened up to her like I did. Seems like all day today everybody has been talking about my daddy and I just want to get away from it but apparently I can't. I don't understand why he is being brought up so much. I played aggrevation for a little bit but my head has been hurting all day and I just don't feel like playing. Aunt Ruby is getting drunk and getting loud. She has a high pitched laugh and I want to slap her...I guess I better be nice..she is my Aunt after all. Rehgan, Becka, Huston, and little Tucker came by for a little while. Me and Becka talked for a while. We are listening to oldies music and it makes me want to get drunk or high or something....I need to hear some country or some Poison...I still haven't heard from michael...Im really starting to stress over his bullshit he is pulling. I know I shouldnt let it bother me, but it does. I think I am going to write some poems sometime this week. I have a lot on my mind and poetry always comes out of me when I have things on my mind. Writing is just my way of dealing with things I guess. Well this computer light is not helping my head any so I am gonna go for now, but not forever. Baby I love you and thank you for loving and caring for me like you do. You are my world and you will forever be.

What a Day

This day has been full of emotions...It was a good day then turned to a crappy day then back to good. I love my baby so much. I can't wait to have her in my arms again :) Me and momma got all the raking done and burned the bottom of the yard. I mowed for a while. I cook Lemon Pepper Chicken, baked potato and warmed up the dressing from Christmas that we froze...it was good. I am at Aunt Gails keeping her company tonight. She is having a hard time dealing with Huston being gone. She had her hair dyed blonde....well alot of blonde streaks in it. It looks so good. She used to keep it blonde. Now she looks like Aunt Gail again. Katie acts like everything is ok now. She is truly something else. She has issues and I have come to realize that. I just hope what everyone thinks is not true. I don't want to have to hurt her if it is true....My heart is so overwhelmed...I have fallen for a wonderful person and i don't think she knows how wonderful she really is. I still haven't heard from jackass..idk whats going to happen with the divorce..who fucking knows cause I sure don't. I just want it to be over with. I guess I am just impatient but this is all rediculous how he is acting. I got my stitches out finally and it feels so much better. I can move my finger without it hurting. :) I have so much on my mind. So many mixed things. They all just run through my head all day long. Maybe soon my mind will be able to rest and I will be back to normal again. I sure hope so before I go insane. Im trying to keep it together. Nobody really knows what all goes thru my mind everyday and all day. Best to keep some things to yourself. Of course thats how I have always been. I keep it all bottled up until I drive myself crazy and then I go off the deep end. I have crazy ass dreams all the time. I dont even like to sleep because of my dreams. This past weekend was the first time i didn't dream bad things. I know it was because I was with CeCe and I felt so safe with her beside me. I was relaxed more than I have been in a very long time. I ahve dreams about daddy all the time and that bothers me. They are never good dreams. Always bad. I have dreams of Michael and him acting stupid..im just sick of waking up crying because of my dreams. I can't get my mind to be at peace and I really don't know how to do it. Maybe in time it will all be better. I sure hope so. I am gonna go for now but not forever. I love you CeCe

A wonderful Weekend with the Love of My Life

When Friday got here my anxiety started kicking in. I was so ready to see my Darlin. When I seen her pull up at the store my heart melted. She was finally gonna be in my arms again. I had longed for that moment for a long time. We really enjoyed our time together and she got to meet the special people in my life and they all like her a lot. All I can think about is waking up with her in the bed with me for 2 mornings. That was the greatest feeling. I loved making love to her, kissing her, touch her whole body. She is so perfect and amazing...absolutely beautiful in every way. I fell in love with her all over again and it was awesome. I really hated to see her go back home. But I know she has her life down there. I hope we get to see each other again soon. I miss her like crazy already. She is my heart and I love her with everything in me. CECE thank you for such a wonderful weekend. I love you so much and I can't wait to have you in my arms again. I just want to be near you. never forget you are my life... :) i love you baby...

Gloomy Day

All this rain makes me want to just sleep. I was so mad when I got woke up at 4 this morning cramping. I am still really glad CeCe is coming this weekend. We can hold each other all weekend and talk and just spend time together. Mother Nature had other plans than I did I guess. Atleast we will be together. Im super excited. She will be here tomorrow night. Right now I am sitting in the livingroom with mom and my stepdad talking about dogs, chickens and horse shows. Not my favorite topics but OK....My fucking stitches have been pulling all day and it fucking hurts. I put some cream on my hand a little bit ago and it helped loosen them up and now they are not pulling as bad. I still haven't heard from Michael, he is really starting to piss me off. I dont know what he thinks he is doing by not responding to me. But he is only making it worse on himself...he will figure that out in the end. All I know is he better not wait til the weekend to decide to text or call me because if he tries to fuck up my weekend I will fucking hurt him. I have got to start figuring out what i am going to take with me to the hotel this weekend. I want to atleast look half ass cute for her. If thats possible!!!! JK baby...dont get all fiesty on me...Yeah I really want to cut my left ovary out...this motherfucker is acting retarded today...I hate being a damn woman sometimes...but I guess thats what God wanted me to be so I just have to deal with it. I think ill wear my boots and jeans and my cowboy hat this weekend...JK again honey...Im gonna go for now but not forever...Love you Babe

Lots On My Mind

Yesterday Michael and I were supposed to sign divorce papers. Well a bunch of shit happened and then he pulled a disappearing act. I was so ready to get them signed and get this shit over with so I can move on with my life. It looks as if I am going to have to wait a while longer. He still is not answering the phone or responding to my text messages. It is bothering me a lot. Im pretty pissed about it and hurt at the same time. He lied to me and that was not something I expected out of him. We agreed to do this without arguing and causing trouble. Apparently he wants to do this the hard way and thats not at all what I wanted to do. Its hard enough without arguing and him acting like a child. Maybe he will respond to my messages soon. I hope so anyways cause I am ready to move on with my life and share my life with CeCe. Im so excited she is coming up here this weekend. I can't wait to see her. I gotta make up my mind where we are going to stay so she doesn't have a duck. I guess Im stressing her out because I am so indecisive. Can't help it. I have always been this way...Aunt Gail texted me this morning and wanted me to come help her with her computer...I stayed over there a while and Katie came over to see us. I came back to mommas and started cleaning. My hand is pretty swollen now since I have been using it so much today. Hard to bend it. When I get done cleaning I will put an ice pack on it and give it a rest for the night. I will be so glad when I can go back home. I do not sleep worth a shit and I think it is all catching up with me. Gonna go next week and talk to some nursing homes in New Albany. Im taking my stitches out of my hand sunday so it will all be healed so I can keep looking for a job. I seriously hate living in North Mississippi..there is never any jobs here. not for what I do anyways. It sucks. Snickers tore newspaper up all over the yard this morning...im about ready to pull her fucking teeth out of her head. I have got to catch her and tie her up and I do not want to do that...Idk how long she will be in this chewing on everything stage but she needs to fucking hurry up and get out of it...I gotta get back to cleaning so Im gonna go for now but not forever... Love You baby

Tired

I went to Tupelo with Aunt Gail and momma today. I got me some clothes that actually fit. My hand has been hurting like shit all day...I will be glad when I can use it again. Its so hard doing everything left handed. Maybe by the time I am healed I will know how to do everything with both hands...another way I will be multitalented....I got home and I have been watchin movies laying in my bed with my hand propped up with an ice pack on it. Right now I am watchn "The Blind Side". One of my favorite movies ever. I love Sandra Bullock. She is one of my fav actresses. It is so boring in this room all by myself. I feel so alone. Then I think of CeCe and I start to feel better. I go tomorrow to sign my divorce papers. I have to be there at 4:00pm. I hope I will be able to sign them with my hand fucked up like it is. My whole life will change tomorrow. It will be the beginning of a new life for me. Im ready and excited for a new beginning. I have had a lot of support while going thru this separation and divorce. Without the ones thats seen me thru so far I wouldnt have made it. I love them all. Im gonna go for now but not forever. I love you Baby.

OUCH!!

I'm at Aunt Gails....my whole hand is hurting today...I woke up at about 6:15 about crying. I did not sleep much but when I did I slept pretty good. I think the 3 shots of watermelon vodka I took helped me sleep...I dreamed about me and my sweetheart. I can't wait until she gets here friday night....I just want to hold her and look in her eyes and make sweet sweet love to her. It's hard typing one handed...lol...im trying to get used to using my left hand for everything...The hospital called a little bit ago to check on me. I thought that was nice. Im sitting in Aunt Gails bedroom at her computer and hanging on the wall in a huge frame filled with lots of pictures of my entire family. We were all so young. Looking at these pictures bring back a lot of good memories. Wow how the years have flown by. There is a pic of all us grandkids and I was like 5 in the pic. God that was forever ago. We was at nanny and papaws. I sure do miss them alot. Papaw died in 97 and nanny died in 08. They were very special people. I see a few pics of my Aunt Debbie. She passed away in 07 with breast cancer. She was so beautiful and I miss her a lot also. Im glad Aunt Gail finally got internet. She loves it. Aunt Gail is a special woman. She goes in April to find out about her cancer. They have already done surgery 2 times on her face. The cancer is spreading. It scares me. I love her and Idk what I'd do if I lost her. I'm not gonna think about that right now. Im gonna get off here and go play with Little Bit and Gizzmo...They are climbing on my legs. I love you baby!

Crazy Day

Well I have had a crazy day. I went to the dr this morning and found out they think I need to go to pain management again. I just can't do that anymore. I have some major decisions to make and they are stressing me out. I went and helped paula and chris at the house they are going to rent. It is going to be really pretty when we get done cleaning and get the walls painted. I picked out my bedroom today and I am going to paint it a beautiful blue color and get some pics to hang on the wall. Im excited about that. They already have a bed to put in there for me to sleep on when I stay over there. At their house I can be myself. I like that, cause I can't be myself at my moms house. I am really tired and hurting but I am going to make it. Tomorrow I am going to clean up all michaels shit out of the back yard at my place. I think he should have to clean it up but I guess thats not going to happen so I will get out there and kill myself doing it. My best friend JJ came by and seen me for a little bit. I'm so glad he came to see me. He told me michael hasn't talked to him since we split. That makes no sense to me. JJ has been our best friend for 6 years and we have all always been really close and its just not right for Michael to do that. JJ is not picking sides..he loves us the same...JJ is like the only friend I have that I can fully trust. I can talk to him about anything and its always been that way and I think it always will be. Katie is here with me tonight. She hung out at Paulas with me today. I love this girl with all my heart. I don't know what I would do without her. Michael and I go Tuesday to sign the divorce papers. Soon I will be unmarried again. I am pretty happy about that. It's best that him and I just move on with our lives. I have moved on and I am very happy with CeCe. She is my world. And I am completely hers now...I know she can never be completely mine but thats ok. I do love her and I want this to work and I am going to do everything I can to fight for me and her. Idk what I would do without her. She has completely changed my life..and I am happy for the first time in a long time. I am gonna go for now but not forever. I love you CeCe.

Hmmmmm

Well I didn't sleep worth a shit last night. Couldn't go to sleep. I watched Prey...It was a good movie. Michael called me this morning and I had to meet him at 12 for his lunch. I took him his guitar and his pair of pants. He gave me half of the lightbill money and gave me some money. He is going next week to file for divorce. I hope today was the last time I have to come in contact with him because I gave him all his stuff that he had forgotten. I have no reason to talk to him now. I have a strange feeling he will be contacting me though. We did not talk much while we was together. We didn't even look at each other. I guess it is best that way. I was not sure how it would go being in the same vehicle together again. But it was fine and we did not argue. I guess not speaking is better than arguing and I am tired of arguing...I have dealt with that for 5 years and I am sick of it. I haven't heard from CeCe today...I have missed talking to her. I have a lot on my mind. My stepdad told me that he is always here for me anytime I need to talk and that he loves me. Im glad I have him to talk to when I need to talk. But still he isn't my dad and I really want to talk to my dad. But I guess thats out of the question...since he is not here...Man being in mommas house is really getting to me because this is the most time I have spent in her house since daddy died and a lot of memories are flooding back and make my mind wonder...idk how long it is going to take me to get used to living here and get used to all my memories of daddy here. Its really hard. I think of him all day long. Its getting harder to get thru the days. But I am trying to hold myself together and not completely break down. But I feel like im on the verge of a break down. I have the feeling that I want to get drunk...but I know that is not the answer to it all but I would surely feel good for a little while but I guess Im going to try to hold back from that. I just need something to ease my mind. I was offered some pot yesterday but I turned it down. Im not going down that road...can't do it...Im trying to keep my spirits up and keep myself together....its the only thing I know to do at this point. I am so happy I have CeCe in my life. I don't think I could make it without her. She makes me so happy and I am not sure she realizes how much she has changed my life. I love you baby. 

Can't Sleep

I have tried to sleep but I can't. I have way too much on my mind. A lot of hurtful things were said to me and I can't get them out of my head. I do not want to go through all this bullshit again with my biological family. It makes no sense to intensionally hurt someone. I would never do that to someone else. Deep down I love my grandmother because she is my "grandmother" but I still have a lot of anger towards her from 6yrs ago and she did not help matters none yesterday. Its 1:39 am so it was yesterday. I really enjoyed her fake hug she gave me. She wanted to hug me just as much as I wanted to hug her. Idk why people have to put on a "good" front. That shit does not work with me. Why can't people just be "real"? I guess I'll never know that answer. I just get tired of getting hurt...and I am not falling for her shit again like before. She is a fake and I don't like fake people. If you can't be "real" with me then don't speak to me. Many days I regret ever meeting my biological people because of all the heartache that has came with meeting them. Anyone that is adopted understands why I wanted to meet them and have a "relationship" with them. Most times it is not a fairytale ending...and I don't guess I will get my fairytale ending. But that is ok because the parents that raised me are amazing...My mom and dad. I miss my dad so much. I wanted to come straight home and tell him everything that happened between me and my biological grandmother...but when I got here I realized he isn't here for me to talk to and sometimes that fucking kills me inside. I miss him...omg how i miss him. tear are falling from my face now. I want to tell him so much. Somethings he wouldn't understand but others he would. Life is so different without him. I love my stepdad, but in my heart is where my daddy is. David has always said he would never try to take daddys place...there is no way he ever could in my eyes and my heart. David is good to have around and talk to and he honestly cares about me...Im glad he is good to momma and me. But I want my daddy back and I know I will never have him back. At times I can feel him with me. He shows me that he is here...but I can't hear his voice, his laugh or see his beautiful smile. All those things I hold dear to my heart and I alway try not to forget those things. As time goes on they slowly fade but I'm still holding on. I often wonder what he would say about Michael and I getting a divorce and about the fact that I am a lesbian. Would he approve or would he turn from me? I guess those are things I will never know. I know he sees everything I do so I know he knows whats going on in my life. I know I have broken his heart I am sure. I will never forget the big argument him and I had 2 weeks before he died. I can't get into that I will cry all night if i think too much about it. When Im here at mommas I look around and see alot of daddys things and it brings back many memories. Like the deer hanging on the wall. he had to eat the whole deer by himself because me and momma won't eat deer meat. He never ate deer again after he finished that deer off....I can remember him teaching me how to fish, fly a kite and shoot a pistol. I remember when I got my first 3wheeler at 3 years old and my first 4wheeler at 16 years old. My first car...I can still remember everything. He never out right said he loved me. I would walk in the room and he would say "Tosh have i told you something today?" I would say no daddy. "well I love ya hun" "I love you too daddy"...i miss that...The night before he died he was in a coma and I couldnt get to his head to kiss him good night...he was bald on top all my life and I always kissed him on top of the head...I cried when I could get to him and i pulled up a chair and stood on the side of it and kissed him on his head and said I love you daddy and if you are tired of fighting it is ok to go home. Cancer won the battle in his life. And because of that I never get to see or speak to my dad again in this lifetime. It hurts...real bad. I must keep going and go on living my life without him here...but he is forever in my heart and no one can take that from me. Im gonna go for now...but not forever...I love you CeCe

What A day!

I got a phone call this morning from Paula saying their camper caught on fire last night. So I have been helping them most of the day. I have been upset over some shit with Michael and his family most of the day. But in time its all gonna be over and I am not going to have to deal with them anymore. I hate things turned out like they did but it happens. I have moved on with my life and he needs to do the same. As I sit in this camper all alone typing this blog and texting my baby I have all sorts of things running thru my head...I really miss CeCe and I want to see her so bad. I want to be closer to her. I want to be able to be near her and not 6 hours away. Its hard being apart from someone you love. I need a change in my life and I am seriously thinking about moving. It has been on my mind a lot lately. Maybe i will have my mind made up soon. I guess today is just one of those days that I just want to run a way and never come back. My back and leg has been hurting for 3 days and I dont know why. It worries me at times but I just say fuck it and deal with it. Im gonna go for now but not forever. I love you baby!

Happiness

I just got done cleaning the camper. Now I am sitting here listening to one of my many Reba Cd's. All her songs somehow relate to my life and I love to listen to them. The past few weeks have been crazy at times and wonderful at times. I can feel myself finding true happiness for the first time in a long time. My life is not filled with arguing and drama. I have found a peace within. My mind still works overtime but I know in time all that will get better. But until then I am going to remain strong and live my life like I want to and do the things that make me happy. I have laughed and smiled a lot more lately. I have people in my life that truly love me and care about my happiness and I love and care about their happiness also. Without them my happiness would be gone. The girl I have fallen in love with lights up my life and makes me happier than I have been in years. She has no idea what she does to me. I hope she knows how much I do truly love her and that she never doubts that. Their are a few people that try to get in our way of having our relationship but Im not going to let nothing tear us apart. I hope I make her as happy as she makes me. I can't wait to see her again and to feel her body against mine. Right now Reba's song "How Was I To Know" is playing. This song relates to my life right now...I never thought I'd be this strong to move on from Michael and face my life without him. The fear of being alone is what I have been afraid of. But I realize now that I am not alone. She may be 6hrs away but she is always with me and anytime I need her she will be there for me to talk to. I thought my world was crashing down a few weeks ago...and maybe it did, but I have picked up the pieces and day by day I have been moving on with my life. Sure I miss having someone to hold me or me hold them but in time I will get passed that. I have my baby to hold me when we see each other. She is all I want and need. Im gonna go for now but not forever!! :) :) 

Today is a brand new day

My baby has been at the Hospital for a few nights with her hubby. She has been on my mind a lot. She didn't get to come up but we have talked and texted a lot. Which I love doing. I love all of our conversations and laughs that we share together...oh and the phone sex and sexting ;)....i went and got groceries and got them put up. Michael just texted me and pissed me off of course...but that is nothing unusual. I am ready for him to officially be out of my life so I do not have to deal with him. I love my baby CECE...we are very happy together. I am trying to get adjusted to staying in mommas house...i am not liking it so far...but maybe it will grow on me sooner or later. Katie bug stay with me still...idk what I would do without her and cece...those 2 are my heart and soul. I really can't wait to have my girl in my arms again. its going to be awesome. I love you baby.... Goodbye for now but not forever!!!

My Baby

I never in my life thought I could feel this way about anyone ever again in my life....I am so in love with this girl. She completes me and I can't even begin to picture my life without her. She is coming up here tomorrow to see me and I can't wait to get her in my arms again. She is my heart and soul and I love her with everything in me. The awesome thing is she loves me back. The connection and the feelings we have are over powering. She makes me melt with one touch...her lips are so soft and wonderful. I can't wait to have her in my arms...goodbye for now but not forever!! I Love Celia

What a day

Well I am officially apart of the Hee Woman man haters club...Michael has really pissed me off. I gave him $100 2 weeks ago for gas and he can't even let me borrow $20 for a phone card. I will not ever help him again. Fuck him. He can't help me so I am done helping his stupid ass. He can go fuck himself. I am through with him. FML...

my short trip to Laurel

Last night Katie and I took off to Laurel to see my baby. I was only able to stay 3 hours but it was well worth the trip. I miss her so much already. I can't wait to have her in my arms again and to hold her hand and kiss her beautiful soft lips. I love this girl with everything I have in me and she loves me too and it is so amazing how safe I feel in her arms every time they are wrapped around me. She is so amazing. I have never felt like this before. I am so incredibly happy with her. She tells me all the time she is proud to call me her girl. She just doesn't know what she does to me. I melt at her touch, her smile, her kiss and just looking into her eyes. The feeling is wonderful and I hope it lasts a very long time. She is married and I did meet her husband this time. He is totally awesome and cool to hang out with. I am so glad he accepts me and shares her with me. He told her last night that he likes me and that her and I are cute together. Doesn't get much better than that. I realize I can only be with her forever if she leaves him. I would never ask her to do that. But I am not looking for someone to live with or get married. Maybe later in life ill settle down again. But right now I am in love with this girl and I like things the way they are. She completes my life at this time. I can't picture my life without her. She is amazing and wonderful. I am lucky to have her. She makes me so happy and happiness is something I have not had in a very long time. Im gonna go for now blog but not forever......

Tonight the tears Fell

Tonight I went to the trailor with Katie so she could take a bath and while we was there i cried for about 30mins. I started looking through pictures and found a bunch of me and Michael when we was happy and in love and remembering the good times made me cry. I have missed those good days for a few years now. A part of me really misses him and the other part is glad he is gone because I do not miss the arguing we did all the time. I was not happy and neither was he but now he knows he lost a good thing because I was really good to him and did everything for him. I really miss his family. They all mean a lot to me. I love them all and I am truly going to miss them and I hope they dont all hate me because i can't handle that. I really miss my dad and I dont think he would be very happy with my decisions I have made in life. But maybe if he was here everything would be different. But he is gone and there is nothing I can say or do about it. I just wish he was here for me to talk to. I think his words of wisdom would help me through this hard time in my life. He was always such a strong person and was always there to listen and help me with life's troubles. I also miss Michaels grandmother. I loved her just like my own grandmother. She has been gone almost 2 months and I can't believe it. I know she is in heaven looking down on us all and Im sure her heart is breaking because me and Michael are getting a divorce and I am sure she is very disappointed in the choices Michael and I have made in our lives but I pray she some day forgives us both. As I sit here in this tiny camper day by day I feel like the walls are falling in on me and I dont know how to stop it. Depression has taken over my life once again. I am back to that dark spot I said I never wanted to be in again. Well I have arrived and i just want to leave town. Run away...but as I have learned many times it does no good to leave. Well I am gonna go for now Blog but not forever!

I cant believe it is already March

Wow... March already...the time has flown by this year already...man its like life never slows down anymore...always spinning and time catches up and flies by you. It seems the older I get the faster it flies. I went and got Michael's check out of the bank this morning and paid the light bill and kept $60.00 for myself and gave him the rest of the money. Today was the first time I have seen him in over a week. He looked terrible. Hadn't shaved since I last shaved him last...I think he is realizing a lot of things. I did everything for him. He is having a hard time without me because he doesn't know how to do anything...But I guess in time he will learn how to be independent. I thought it would bother me to see him..but it didn't. It's over and I can see that now. Usually if we split up all it takes is me seeing him and I want him back. But this time it is really over and we are going through with the divorce. It is still hard on me and my anxiety is so bad today. I'm really having a hard time dealing with it all. Much harder time than I actually thought I would. My fear is being alone. I do not like being alone. My cousin katie has been staying with me for over a week and idk what I would do without her. Even though I am married I am not in love with him anymore. I have a new Love and I love her with all my heart and she loves me too. I can be myself now. Which is a lesbian. Everyone knows except My mom and stepdad. In time they will know...but not right now. Idk what I would do without my new love. She talks to me and helps me through all this. She is married also....but we are in love. Im gonna go for now but not forever...