Hurting

I am sitting here with Aunt Gail. Her air quit in her trailer so she came over here so she don't have a heat stroke. I am hurting so bad and I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should go to work and risk having to leave or just stay home and call in. I am sick to my stomach about this shit. I don't understand why it has to be this way and why I can't just be normal now. But apparently I am not supposed to ask why...but I do anyways. No matter if I am sitting, standing, laying, I can't get comfortable. It just sucks and it is so depressing. I gotta make up my mind what I am going to do. I was so hoping I would be able to continue to do CNA work but I am just not sure if i can or not. Time will tell. I really need someone to just hold me and tell me I am going to be ok. But the one person I need is 5 hours away. But just hearing her voice helps me and I know she loves me and would be here if she could. I guess I am just being a baby. Idk...I just need someone to pick me up and make me feel better. I fell asleep earlier and had a freaking stupid dream...I woke up pissed. Idk why I dream some of the things I dream. Some things just make no sense at all. We are sitting here watchin Days of Our Lives. Thats the only Soap Opera I have ever liked. Its getting sad because Lexi is going to die soon. I haven't done anything today. I was hoping resting would help me but it hasn't. I have so much I want to type but I just can't do it. Maybe I'm closing back up. Idk...I don't want to do that but I feel myself holding back on a lot of things with a lot of people. Idk...I am gonna go for now but not forever.

Just another day!

I had a great afternoon and night last night skyping and talking to my darlin. It was so good to see her. She is so beautiful. Maybe one day she will believe me. We had some great phone sex too...lol...I love to hear her moan and cum. I can't for her to come see me in a few weeks. It still feels so far away. I just want to put my arms around her and kiss her. I miss her touch, her kiss, her smile, her laugh. I miss everything. She has no idea what she does to me. I do love her with everything in me. I went to sleep about 1:15 this morning. I stayed up as long as I could. I was so tired. I slept til 6:30. I will have to lay down again sometime today before work. My back was hurting really bad when I got up. Idk if Ill be able to work tonight. It is really about to get on my last nerve...I go in the morning for the MRI. I really want to know whats going on and what my future is looking like with my back. I have a feeling Im going to be heart broken. Its just doesnt feel like a muscle to me. It feels like it always has....a bulged disc....I will know soon enough. My baby is at work. I have thought about her a lot this morning. Thats nothing unusal. I don't think she ever thinks about me...lol...jk...I can't believe my friends husband died. Thats crazy. Her and their 2 boys are going to be completely lost without Scottie. Its so sad. My phone goes off at Midnight tonight. Gotta try to get me some mins. Ill be glad when I get paid and I can get a $25 card or something. Right now my left leg its hurting. Something is on the nerve in my leg again. This shit is for the birds. I don't like it at all. My sinuses are trying to fuck up today. I hate that too. Snickers chased a fucking tractor down the road this morning and me constantly yelling no snickers. She listens so well. She has gotten in a bad habit of chasing vehicles. Im afraid she will be dead in the road one day if she keeps being stupid. She will not listen to me when I tell her no...so there is nothing I can do about it. This weekend I am going to move back in my trailer. Ill prolly still come to mommas some because she has internet. Ill have to blog and check face book and skype with CeCe when we can. I swear I feel like I could go back to sleep. The past 5 days and nights have wore me out. My body is sayin wtf are you doing to me. I guess I am gonna go for now but not forever....I love you baby!

My night off

I woke up at 2:45 and then talked to my honey at 3. I went and got something to eat and now I am skyping with her. I have a load of clothes in the washer. I have so much I want to get caught up on while I am off tonight. I have a lot of laundry to do. Momma and David will be back tomorrow sometime. It is so hot outside. I think it is going to be a rough summer....I had a decent night at work. I was really tired when I got off. I slept pretty good for a few hours. I have to find something to do to stay up all night tonight. I guess I will find something interesting on tv to watch. I am sitting here looking at my baby on cam and realizing how much I truly do miss her. Its so hard being away from her. Im glad we are getting to skype today. I have missed seeing her beautiful face. :) I am gonna go for now but not forever. I love you Baby!

4th night at work

Well I have been home for about 30mins. Had a long night at work and I am tired. I work tonight but then I'm off Monday night. Im ready for my day off. My body is still screaming at me asking me what the hell I think I am doing. My back hurt some while I was at work. I really hope I do not have a spell like I did the other night. I go Wednesday and have a MRI done on my back to see what is causing my pain. I hope and pray its just muscles and not another disc messed up. It scares me to even think about it. My baby is at work. I miss her so much.Can't wait to see her again. Just a few more weeks. Maybe I can last that long. Went to Aunt Kathys yesterday for a cookout and swimming. I floated around in the pool for a little while. I knew I wouldn't be able to swim because of my back. I enjoyed talking to Pam. I have thought about her several times since I left the cookout. She is so broken hearted over her husband killing himself. They have 3 kids together. I just don't understand why he did it. But its not left up to me to wonder. I hope Pam will pull thru this and be ok and I hope her kids are going to be ok too. Well I am sitting here and can barely keep my eyes open. They are telling me its time to sleep. I am goin to go for now but not forever. I love you CeCe

First Night At Work

Well I enjoyed my first night at work. I like the girls I work with. My back is a little sore but not hurting. I forgot to wear my backbrace. I am going to try to remember to go get it tonight and wear it and see how much of a difference it makes. When I got home I couldnt go right to sleep. So I fell asleep about 9 and at 1230 I woke up like I had been sleeping for days. I finally fell back asleep about 130 or so and woke up at 3 to talk to my babygirl....I will lay back down sometime tonight and take a nap before work. I have not worn closed toe shoes since sept and my feet could not breathe last night....they hurt some but not too bad....they were kinda swollen from the shoes....when I pulled them off I swear I heard AHHHHH...lol...it will take me a while to get used to shoes...but in time I will. I am trying to talk Aunt Gail into stopping by Taco Bell on her way home and getting me something to eat :) She loves me so she is gonna do it. I soooo missed talking to CECE this morning. But I got to talk to her at 3. I do miss her so much. Idk if she even realizes how much. Just the touch of her hand in mine, her lips on mine, and her arms in mine. I just want to be in her arms so bad right now. I still have a month to wait. I really hope time flies and it hurries up and gets here. Its hard being away from someone you love. I am looking forward to work tonight. It shouldnt take me long to catch on to everything. I am going to go now but not forever. Baby I love you!

Nervous

I am so nervous about starting my new job tonight. I could throw up. I haven't worked since Oct...the first few nights are going to be rough. I am nervous cause its a new place and new people. I am also nervous because I am worried about my back. I keep telling myself that I am fine and that the dr fixed my problem. Im sure Im right and that I am fine. I just gotta be careful and not do anything stupid. I slept for almost 3 hours this afternoon. I know in the morning I am going to crash. I am going to be so tired. Will take me a few nights to get used to it. I am just sitting here with the tv off and staring at the walls thinking. Thats never good. I think way too much as it is. Momma and David are gone to the lake and it is so quiet in here. Feel kinda lonely in this big house. Next week I am prolly gonna get completely moved back into my trailer. That will be exciting. Start my new life without Michael. Will take me a while to get used to being there by myself but I know I can do it. I will be glad to get my first check. It will be small but its a start. I bought me a new pair of scrubs today. They are cute. I got me some shoes and a stethoscope yesterday. I gotta soon invest in a watch. I hate watches and im allergic to so many of them. But I gotta have one for vital signs. Tonight I will start orientation and work some on the floor with my trainer. Im excited to get to know all the residents. I hope they all like me. I hope all the girls I work with like me. I worry about things like that. Everybody always says I shouldn't worry because everybody always like me. I guess we will see. Aunt Kathy is having a cookout Saturday and I am going. I am going to relax and swim.  I am sure I will have to work that night so I will enjoy the swim. It will be nice to see all the family again. I am a little hungry and don't know what I want to eat. Ill think of something between now and then. It is such a weird feeling to be so ready to start working again and yet be scared to death. I have never been this scared about a job. Maybe I will get over it soon. I am gonna go for now but not forever.

Busy Weekend

Most of the day yesterday I cleaned in the trailer. I am almost completely done. I will be ready to move back in soon. I hope I hear from leisa tomorrow about my drug test. I know I passed so i should start work this week sometime. I am ready to know my schedule. I hate not knowing. Last night I went to Aunt Gails for a while where all the women were playing that game I hate. The laughed and had a good time. Tucker was there and he was snoozing and I have no idea how he slept thru all their loud mouths. While I was there Katie showed up. So since Aunt Gail don't like her too much I left so she wouldnt be there and we hung out at the trailer. I did not sleep good at all. Michael called one of our mutual friends yesterday morning so now I have his number and I text him. He has the papers ready and he has signed. Just waiting on me to sign. And Idk what to do since he owes mom money. The thing is she has no proof he owes her anything. So I am like wtf am I supposed to do because she is going to be mad if I dont get him to sign something saying he will pay her. I am just ready to be divorced and move on with my life...I will figure it all out just like I figure everything thing out one way or another. My honey called me from work today. It was so good to hear her voice. She always makes me laugh. I have lack of motivation today for cleaning up in the trailer so I came up to moms. Maybe later this afternoon I will wont to do it. I am almost done but its draining me for some reason. I think maybe just the day I had yesterday. Not going to talk about that because everything is ok now. I cried alot and put a hole in the wall and now Im mad at myself because I have to fix the damn hole. Thats always lovely...When I got here snickers acted like she hasnt seen me in a week. I swear she is on dope. She is always wide open. Mom and David are getting ready to go to see his mother. Him and his brother are having a meeting with some people today. They are putting his mother on Hospice. Its sad. I hate to watch him go through all this but it happens to everybody. I have so much on my mind that it is unreal. I am so ready to get my life started again. Get my place decorated like I want it and not fucking western bullshit that Michael always wanted. I haven't talked to Paula yet today. Idk if Daniel has moved back in or what. I still am not going to apologize. I am so sick of the bullshit that comes a long with him. Im pretty sick of them all. I love all 3 of them a lot but they stress me out sooo much and I just don't need to be worrying about all thats shit. So I try not to. I am sure she will call me before the day is up. I have got to get over there sometime and get all my stuff. She has it all put up for me so it wont get tore up. I just gotta make myself go over there and get it. Yeah not wanting to go over there too bad right now. Ok well I have rambled enough...I am going to go for now but not forever....

Crazy day...

Well I got the job. I have to wait on the results of my drug test. I have filled out almost all the paperwork. I hope to start next week. So much drama is going on in my life with some of my family...I am just sick of shit. But I am not going to let other peoples stupidity ruin my good mood. I miss my honey and I really want to see her. I do love her so much. I am tired. I could go to sleep and sleep til in the morning. I gotta stay up tho so I can sleep tonight. I am really ready to start work and be able to move back into my place...it will be so good to be able to go back home. I am going to go for now but not forever. I Love You CeCe

Job Hunting

Well I went job hunting this morning. I went to Magnolia Personal Care Home in New Albany. I talked to 2 women there and had a mini interview. The head woman said they do not have anything right now but that you never know when they will need someone so they are putting my application on top. Then I went over to Graceland in New Albany and filled out an application and had an interview. She wants me to try to get my background records from my last place of employment so I do not have to do the finger printing all over again. There is a position open on 3-11 shift. She told me to let her know if I can or can not get a copy of those records and bring them to her. I am really hoping I can get the job. She asked me about my surgery and stuff. She has to call my references and get me checked out...lol..and she asked could I pass a drug test and I said yes no doubt because I am drug free. She seemed like a nice lady. She said if i got hired that they would train me as long as I needed before assigning me my own list of residents. She talked really positive about it. So I am hoping it will happen. I am just so ready to go back home and be in my place. Ready to start my life new and be happy for the first time in a while. Thats all I am ready for. I am going to go for now but not forever...I Love you CeCe

My crazy day

Well I went to New Albany today to take Aunt Gail some lunch and my car started running hot. She had to come get me and I sat at the Tire Shop with her until she got off work. We managed to get my car home this afternoon. It really sucks knowing I am stuck here at mommas until it is fixed. My honey is not feeling well today. Makes me :(. I have had a headache for 3 days now. It has eased up some in the past few hours so maybe I am getting better. I really miss my love. I just want to hold her and run my fingers thru her hair. She is in Laurel tonight. Im glad she is getting to spend time with her dad. I know how much she misses him and wants to be near him. I have thought about my dad a lot here lately...just that time of year with his birthday and all. Time heals all things people say...ummm...I don't completely believe that. Katie Beth still hasn't talked to me. I think it is funny. She makes no sense sometimes. Rehgan has to have a lot of money by Tuesday or she goes to jail. Im freaking out over it. I don't want her to go to jail. If she does there is nothing I can do about it. I just hate to see huston, makayla and Tucker to go thru that. I guess we will know in a few days what will happen. I am going to be a nervous wreck until then. I have so much I want to type and talk about but I'm not going to. Im gonna go for now but not forever. I love you CeCe!

Daddys Birthday

I woke up this morning with my daddy on my mind. He would have been 65 today. I got up for a few hours and then I went back to sleep. The whole time I was asleep I dreamed about Michael. I woke up crying. I wonder if he realizes today is daddys birthday. If he does I wonder what he is thinking or if he has cried. Daddys birthday is always so hard on me. I have so many mixed emotions and things I have to continue to work through. Later on I am goin to go to the cemetary. I hope the things I have to say will help me get passed a lot of things. Some things I have already gotten passed. I couldn't have done that without my sweetheart. I have never had someone to love and care for me like she does. She helps me all the time and I love her so much for it. The past few days my biological father has been on my mind a lot. I think a part of me wants to find him again. I should have never backed away from him back in 04. I should have kept in contact. I do believe he moved to Jackson. Maybe one day I will have the courage to find him and the courage to apologize for walking away from him. That is something I have to live with everyday. I have 2 brothers by him that I have only seen 1 time and that bothers me. I wonder if Mike (my biological dad) ever thinks of me and wonders how Im doing. I know I do him. Maybe I will start trying to find him again. I think I am ready for that now. Maybe Im thinking wrong...There is only one way to find out I guess. I am gonna go for now but not forever. I love you CeCe

Busy day

This morning I went job hunting and then came home and filled out applications online. Me, mom, and pops cleaned up and straightened up in the music/ computer room. I sure didn't feel like doing it but I did it. It looks a lot better in there now and we have more room to move around. I put a cabinet together. That was very interesting. My right ear is killing me. I do believe I have upper respiratory and Sinusitis. Such fun. I have felt like shit for 2 days now. I have had a headache for 2 days and nothing I take is helping it. Idk what's going on, but I can't let it get me down. If I let it get be down then I'll be down a while. My immune system is shit and I can't let that happen. My honey worked 12-8 today. Very different from her regular schedule. So I am kinda lost right now cause I haven't gotten to talk to her. 8 will be here soon then I can talk to her and see if she had a good day. I miss her already and I have only been back home for 3 days. Thats what loving someone does to you. Constantly miss them when you aren't together. I am tired after working all afternoon in the room out there...guess Im just weak from being sick...guess I am going to rest the rest of the afternoon and night. Katie Beth is still not talking to me. That is fine with me. I do not have time for her childish bullshit. I am so ready to get a job so I can move back home. I hope it happens soon cause I am about to lose my mind!!!!!!! I am gonna go for now but not forever. I love you CeCe

Poem I wrote at 1:30am

Memories

Sitting alone I often recall all the memories in my head.

Sometimes they become so overwhelming that I want to just crawl into bed. 

All the storms of my life are creeping upon me.

All of a sudden I no longer feel safe and free.

As I look around at the place and life i've always known, my past comes rolling back.

I wish at times I could make them go away like never ending feet running track.

They always reappear at times not wanted. 

At times I feel like my life is so haunted. 

Some memories are good and some are bad.

I have lots of happy memories and lots of sad.

No matter which memory it is, it will not go away. 

I guess in my mind these memories will forever stay.

By: Natasha Mills

5/8/2012

1:30 am

Great weekend

Well Friday morning I left my moms and headed south. I arrived in GulfPort around 12 or so. I went to see my honey. I was so happy to see her. I didn't sleep good thursday night so I was really tired by the time I got there. I was kind of quiet and they thought I was in a bad mood or whatever but I wasn't. I slept good friday night and I was in a good mood saturday and we had a good day saturday and Sunday. I really enjoyed riding around looking at houses with them. There are some beautiful houses down there. I hope they will find the perfect house for them. I really like Stephens truck..it is nice. I enjoyed every minute I got to spend with the woman I love. Last night I got emotional for a little while. I always do our last night together. But I pulled myself together. The sex this weekend was great. We did something new and now I am sore but it is a great kind of hurt. I Love touching her body and I love when she touches mine. She is right...I can't resist kissing her. I love kissing her. She kisses me and I completely melt!! I fall in love with her all over again every time I am with her. Ha me and Sylvester finally bonded. He is a cool cat. I'm glad he decided he likes me..lol...LMAO chasin bo around with the tennis racket was so funny. He is a precious dog. I wub him. I really do love it in GulfPort. It is so beautiful down there to me. I was supposed to of went to an interview in Meridian. Well I changed my mind about going. Later I may regret that decision just like many others I have regretted making in my life. I want to get a job of some kind and move back in my trailer and that will bring some of my happiness back. I want to move the beginning of next year sometime. But I think I am going to move to GulfPort. In time I will figure that out for sure. I just had to get the dvd player and shit working for momma. Something was unplugged. We are watching a movie...she said she is glad I made it home safely since I had the flat in Macon. I guess I am gonna watch this movie with her. I gonna go for now but not forever. I Love you CeCe.