Can't Sleep

I have tried to sleep but I can't. I have way too much on my mind. A lot of hurtful things were said to me and I can't get them out of my head. I do not want to go through all this bullshit again with my biological family. It makes no sense to intensionally hurt someone. I would never do that to someone else. Deep down I love my grandmother because she is my "grandmother" but I still have a lot of anger towards her from 6yrs ago and she did not help matters none yesterday. Its 1:39 am so it was yesterday. I really enjoyed her fake hug she gave me. She wanted to hug me just as much as I wanted to hug her. Idk why people have to put on a "good" front. That shit does not work with me. Why can't people just be "real"? I guess I'll never know that answer. I just get tired of getting hurt...and I am not falling for her shit again like before. She is a fake and I don't like fake people. If you can't be "real" with me then don't speak to me. Many days I regret ever meeting my biological people because of all the heartache that has came with meeting them. Anyone that is adopted understands why I wanted to meet them and have a "relationship" with them. Most times it is not a fairytale ending...and I don't guess I will get my fairytale ending. But that is ok because the parents that raised me are amazing...My mom and dad. I miss my dad so much. I wanted to come straight home and tell him everything that happened between me and my biological grandmother...but when I got here I realized he isn't here for me to talk to and sometimes that fucking kills me inside. I miss him...omg how i miss him. tear are falling from my face now. I want to tell him so much. Somethings he wouldn't understand but others he would. Life is so different without him. I love my stepdad, but in my heart is where my daddy is. David has always said he would never try to take daddys place...there is no way he ever could in my eyes and my heart. David is good to have around and talk to and he honestly cares about me...Im glad he is good to momma and me. But I want my daddy back and I know I will never have him back. At times I can feel him with me. He shows me that he is here...but I can't hear his voice, his laugh or see his beautiful smile. All those things I hold dear to my heart and I alway try not to forget those things. As time goes on they slowly fade but I'm still holding on. I often wonder what he would say about Michael and I getting a divorce and about the fact that I am a lesbian. Would he approve or would he turn from me? I guess those are things I will never know. I know he sees everything I do so I know he knows whats going on in my life. I know I have broken his heart I am sure. I will never forget the big argument him and I had 2 weeks before he died. I can't get into that I will cry all night if i think too much about it. When Im here at mommas I look around and see alot of daddys things and it brings back many memories. Like the deer hanging on the wall. he had to eat the whole deer by himself because me and momma won't eat deer meat. He never ate deer again after he finished that deer off....I can remember him teaching me how to fish, fly a kite and shoot a pistol. I remember when I got my first 3wheeler at 3 years old and my first 4wheeler at 16 years old. My first car...I can still remember everything. He never out right said he loved me. I would walk in the room and he would say "Tosh have i told you something today?" I would say no daddy. "well I love ya hun" "I love you too daddy"...i miss that...The night before he died he was in a coma and I couldnt get to his head to kiss him good night...he was bald on top all my life and I always kissed him on top of the head...I cried when I could get to him and i pulled up a chair and stood on the side of it and kissed him on his head and said I love you daddy and if you are tired of fighting it is ok to go home. Cancer won the battle in his life. And because of that I never get to see or speak to my dad again in this lifetime. It hurts...real bad. I must keep going and go on living my life without him here...but he is forever in my heart and no one can take that from me. Im gonna go for now...but not forever...I love you CeCe