Today

Today was not a good day at all. I have been very depressed for many different reasons. I hope all these thoughts and feelings soon go away. Tomorrow I find out about the job. I seriously hope i got it. I really need to go to work and not be here all the time thinking and being depressed. I can't get back like I was 2 years ago. I refuse to be that person again. I have felt so alone this weekend. No one to talk to and michael worked all weekend. The only happy time was when we played tennis. I have so missed playing tennis and I am really glad I am able to start back playing. Today i have felt worthless and like I have nobody. These kind of days are happening more often. My mind needs a break and needs to be free. I hope it comes soon. I'm tired of living like this and not being able to control my feelings or my emotions. I am tired of people hurting me and lying to me. Seems like everyone I come in contact with insists on hurting me in some way. Well that wall is going back up again so it doesnt happen anymore. My feelings matter too. But some people don't care to realize that. But that's ok. Their day is coming and they will see how it feels. I have wrote a lot of poems the past few days. It seems to help me release. I haven't wrote a poem in about a month until now. Now its like its all coming out and I have written 5 poems in 2 days. When your heart aches like mine has here lately the words come so easily. They are just freely flowing..im gonna go for now but not forever.

Poem Bout my brother

My Brother
I constantly worry about you.
You seriously scare me and that's the truth.
You are always high or fucked up on something.
I'm scared of what you life is becoming.
You choose weed and pills over living a true life.
I watch you slowly harm your body and it causes me pain and strife.
You are my brother and I love you so much.
I am beginning to realize my love is not enough.
Its hard to watch you, my brother live this way.
I have told you over and over how I feel, and that's all I know to say.
You insist on acting like our mother.
It breaks my heart and almost makes me smother.
You are following in her footsteps every day. 
I have tried for years to lead you another way. 
I can never have a normal conversation with you.
When you call you always say "man I'm threw".
That means you are gone, high as the sky.
I will talk to you every time, but deep inside I really want to cry.

Poem For Trena

Getting Over You
After all these years it's time to let you go.
For so long I thought you was my friend, but you're really just a foe.
All the things and times we shared was real to me, but not to you. 
You don't know true friendship, you don't have a clue.
Why I've always let you hurt me, I'll never know.
You are a fake and you like to put on a good show.
I loved you more than words could say.
When you left I missed you every single day.
You never cared that you put me through pain and strife.
Finally I'm over you and moving on with my life.
It's not easy moving on at all.
I know I have to be strong and not let myself fall.
I will probably always love you no matter what.
I can't let you control my life any more, I'm just not.

Poem for my Friend

Friendship/Passion

I truly enjoy having you to talk to.

You are my friend and that's the truth.

I love our passion that we share. 

I will always remember the first time I ran my fingers through your hair. 

I enjoy our conversations and our moments of laughter.

You are an awesome person with great character.

You was there when I needed you.

I appreciate it, I truly do.

When I see you I automatically smile. 

No one has made me do that in a while.

Thank you for making me feel this way.

You are a beautiful friend and that's all I need to say.

Spring Cleaning

Well it is not actually spring time yet but today I have been doing spring cleaning. I swept the ceilings and walls...I did a lot of house work today. Michael helped me some. I feel so tired now..I think mostly because my head is hurting. 4 days in a row now. I took a BP pill to see if it would help and so far it hasn't. It is a tension headache I do believe. I know I am tired of it. It hurts so bad at times that I feel like I can't even function right. I have listened to a lot of songs today...Songs that bring back lots of memories. Some good and some bad. I have truly fell in love with "Address in the Stars" By Caitlin and Will. I listen to it a lot. It is such a true song. They are super amazing. I wish I had the song on my phone. If it wasn't such a sad song I would sing it at my next outing..but I always have to sing cheerful songs..guess I can't sing that one...Ill just sing it here at home. It has been a while since I sang in public..hopefully I will not have to for a long time...my nerves are too bad these days for all of that stuff. Sometimes I miss it but most of the time not. I do just as well at home or in my car...lol...but if asked i will sing...maybe...Right now Im listening to "you are not alone" by Michael Jackson..its the only song i like by him. It is an amazing song. I have sang it many times to a certain person...but that will never happen again. NEVER. I really need to sit down and write some poems. I have thought about that a lot today. I need to get back to doing it more often...I wish i could get my poems published. I could never be so lucky. I don't even want any money for them. Your feelings can't be bought. And they are my feelings. I just want them published to possible help someone that might feel the way I do about things. maybe one day :) I can always hope...maybe tonight I will write a few special people a poem a piece. We will see...Im gonna get off here for now but not forever :)

Today was a day!

Well My tire is fixed thank goodness..Had to buy a used tire..I sure hate having to spend money on stuff like that...How come everything cant just always work properly??? wouldn't that be a dream?? Well I have had a headache most of the day...oh and my so dear sweet husband tells me I am looking old cause my eyes are getting dark from no sleep..i was like geez thanks hun, now tell me how u really feel...I guess he is right..he says he is going to make me go to the doctor..i seriously think not...I will be fine... When my body finally wears down completely I guess I will sleep...I hope my friend had a good day at work today..I have thought about her several times thru the day. I always wonder if she feels ok and if everything is going good. My pup is laying in the floor snoring and michael is on the other end of the couch snoring...and im propped up playing on the computer..my back and hip popped earlier...scared me cause now im hurting...but I will live..Im gonna go for no but not forever!

My Sweet Friend

I have such a sweet friend. I really appreciate her taking me to Wal mart to get Michaels meds. It was so good to see her and get to talk to her. She looked so pretty with her little flower in her hair :) Thanks baby for taking me. I owe you and you will be repaid one way or the other ;) I am excited to hang out with her Friday. Its going to be great. I can't wait to see what she gets done to her hair. I know it will be beautiful. Just spending the day with her will be amazing. I can't wait..its going to be fun..lol..I really miss her when I don't get to see her for weeks. But its part of life..and it makes our times together even sweeter. Thanks for asking me to go..that makes me smile :) Im gonna go for now but not forever!

Been a few days

Well it has been a crazy past few days...too much to even get into...it is so cold..I can't believe i am still up at 2:40am..Its crazy and I guess i will stay up since I gotta cook breakfast at 5am. Guess ill lay down after Michael goes to work. Man I have so much on my mind. i have gotta do something about my sleeping disorder..I guess I will end up going back to the doctor..ughhh...I just know my body cant keep going like this...If i lay down at 6:30 I will be back up about 10..so..hardly no sleep as usual...My broke pinky has been hurting today..I think its the cold weather..I have arthritis in it after all these years..Im tired of typing now..so I gonna go for now but not forever.

What a day

Well today was very interesting...We helped my in laws move...well I discovered my back is still weak..But im going to be ok. I hope today help strengthen it some. I am already sore everywhere else...quite a workout it was...I hope tomorro my back isnt hurting worse..It turned out to be so cold tonight..brrr....Im so ready for spring time. I miss the warm weather. I was really excited when I got home and my CNA pin was in the mail...Its fancy...lol...i have it hanging up with my certificates and License. I guess im pretty damn proud of myself..I finally accomplished something in my life....There is more accomplishments to come...Im not stopping here...I have finally after all these years got my head on straight...after quitting college 3 times I finally finished. Now to move on to bigger things...like getting my LPN license...im gonna work on that this year or next...not sure yet...then when I start making enough money in a few years I wanna start buying all my equipment for my Photography studio. I will one day accomplish my dream of being a photography...its just going to take me time to get everything that I need and a building...One day "Picture My World" will be open to the public :) Im going to relax a while and take some ibuprofen and see if it helps my back...Goodbye for now but not forever!

Morning

Well Michael is off today and all we have done so far is argue. I wish he was at work or I was at work. I don't even want to be around him anymore. The sight of him makes me sick most of the time. So much I could say about our relationship but Im not going to embarrass myself because of his ignorant behavior....all the truth will come out one day....It is so cold outside...brrr....I actually went to bed at a descent time last night but I woke up at 6:30 hurting like hell....It seriously sucks being a woman...I have felt the urge to bring up past relationships the past few days...but I am not going to do that...I gotta continue moving on with my life. I guess its cause im alone...or it feels that way every minute of my life. Maybe one day that will change. I hope so...cause feeling alone is never a good feeling. Sometimes the thought of the comfort of a stranger even feels good....but of course it never happens...getting used to it...oh well...I am ready to go to work. So I don't have to be stuck here at this house all the time...I need to get the hell out...What i really need if for him to get the hell out...that will come in due time also...I need to find happiness for me cause its sure not hanging around right now...it seems very outta reach...Its like that song "Ring on her finger" the arms of a stranger is the only place left to turn...I hope my friend is having a good day so far at work...Goodbye for now but not forever!

Poem

Life without you will be hard.

But you lived your life and did your part.

God decided it was time for your eternal life.

Losing you caused us pain and strife.

We all know you are finally where you've wanted to be.

After feeling lost so many years you are finally free.

We all were strong and stood by your side.

All of our pain and tears we tried to hide.

You always said "don't cry for me".

We all tried to be as strong as we could be.

Knowing you are happy makes us smile.

You won't have to wait on us long, we will all be there after while.

                                                          By: Natasha Mills    Jan 16, 2012

Today

Well I was up til 7 this morning. I slept til 12:15. I texted my friend until 2:30 this morning. She decided it was time to get her beauty sleep. When I woke up at 12:15 I got a phone call shortly after that about a job. I went to the interview at 2:30. Well it was a long interview and she said she will probably be calling me for a 2nd interview. Well I am not going to work for $8 an hour and not get paid mileage to go to the clients houses. It is not an actual CNA job thats why it is only $8 an hour. Anyone can do this job. So its not what I am looking for and I cant afford the gas for that little of money. I made 8.50 an hours where i was working before my back surgery and that was in dietary...so no thanks to the $8. But hey they like me and I could have the job if I would take it. I made a good impression she said...lol...oh well...im gonna call several places tomorrow where I have put in apps. I haven't had time the past week with Michaels grandmother and everything..But tomorrow the job hunting is going to get very serious...I do not feel worth a shit today..I started this morning...That explains why I was so sick at my stomach last night...Im a little early..I guess stress caused it. I hope it goes away soon...I hate it...I hurt so bad at times that I pass out and throw up...cant even function at times..I have been checked several times and nothing is wrong but I have been like this ever since I was like 15...Idk...but i dont like it at all. I hope my friend enjoyed her time at the gym :) Im going to go for now but not forever!

I Love This song

Address in the Stars by: Will And Caitlin


Verse 1:
I stumbled across your picture today
I could barely breath
The moment stopped me cold,
Grabbed me like a thief.
I dialed your number, but you wouldn't be there
I knew the whole time, but it's still not fair
I just wanted to hear your voice,
I just needed to hear your voice.

Chorus:
What do I do with all I need to say
So much I wanna tell you everyday
Oh it breaks my heart,
I cry these tears in the dark
I write these letters to you, 
But they get lost in the blue,
'Cause there's no address in the stars.

Verse 2: 
Now I'm drivin'
Through the pitch black dark 
I'm screaming at the sky 
Oh cause it hurts so bad 
Everybody tells me 
Oh all I need is time 
Then the mornin' rolls in 
And it hits me again
And that ain't nothin' but a lie.

Chorus:
What do I do with all I need to say
So much I wanna tell you everday
Oh it breaks my heart,
I cry these tears in the dark
I write these letters to you, 
But they get lost in the blue,
'Cause there's no address in the stars.

Verse 3: 
Without you here with me, 
I don't know what to do.
I'd give anything
Just to talk to you
Oh it breaks my heart,
Oh it breaks my heart,
All I can do 
Is write these letters to you,
But there's no address in the stars.

I feel like Im losing her! 

Whole New Day

Well I did not go to bed until 3:30 this am. I slept off and on until 11. I have been so depressed lately. Especially today. I really hate this. No one knows why and no one cares....So there for I dont care. I no longer have a best friend to talk to so Im just gonna keep it all in until I cant anymore. Oh well...life goes on with or without people. ughh..i dont even feel like typing...

My hair

Before

After

Saturday

Smoking a cigarette and listening to Katie playing music on her phone. We are listening to "Ironic" by Alanis Morsette. I have so much I need to do...I guess I will get it all done eventually today. Snickers is asleep in the floor. She woke me up this morning licking me in my face. I guess that was my clue that it was time to get up. Michael went back to work today. Katie stayed the night last night. I enjoy her company. When she is around I don't feel so lonely. I feel love. She is my boo. I have thought about someone a few times today. I haven't heard from her today and I hope she is feeling better. I am not sure if she went to work or not. I might be going to my friend Tammys tonight for a bit. Now we are listening to "skin" by Rhianna..I love that song...Just take the boy out and put in girl and its my song. It is such a sexy song. I could definently make love to that song with a certain lady . Brings back memories of the time it happened. It was great. I can't wait to have her in my arms again. I haven't heard from my biological mother in a few days. Idk what her deal is. Im sure not calling her. She is something else. Well I am gonna go for now but not forever!

I have No idea!

I got some rest today as well as washed a crap load of clothes. So sick of laundry. I have so much on my mind. Some things I just can't talk about. I wish I had someone to talk to about things. But I do not know how to open up to anyone. I try but then I chicken out. Idk why but I have always had trouble expressing myself and talking bout stuff. Maybe one day I will be able to. I only trust very few people in my life. You have to be pretty special for me to trust you. When you have been hurt over and over you learn to put a wall up and not let folks in. The people that are in my life know that. I really hope my friend is feeling better. I haven't heard from her since earlier today. Baby I hope you are feeling better. I am thinking about you... I really hate being depressed. I think i need to go to the dr and have my meds changed or something. I feel like they are not working anymore. I am getting more and more depressed here lately. I have also thought about go and seeing a psychiatrist. Idk if i would even be able to talk to one. I feel as if I am on the verge of another breakdown and I am not sure how to stop it. I feel so alone at times as i have for years. I do not know why I feel so lonely at times. Even when I have people all around me I still feel that way. My best friend has tore my heart out and she doesn't even realize or care anymore. Idk what to do about that. Wow I sound like a crazy person...I just have so much going on in my head. I have 0 friends anymore cause I got tired of all the bullshit drama. I have one special friend....I miss her and can't wait to hug her again. Kiss her neck. See her smile and hear her laugh... She is really sweet and fun to be around. She keeps me smiling. Thats what friends are for. Well Im going to go for now but not forever!

Pics

                                                    Aunt Carol

                                JJ, Shannon, Will, Justin, Wayne, and Michael

                                                      Aunt Jan

                                              Liz (My mother n law)

                                                 Jan and I

                                                   Michael and Jan

Morning

Michael woke me up being all loud getting all his hunting shit together. I raised up in the bed and said "Do you seriously have to be that loud? Just because you are crazy enough to go hunting doesn't mean you have to wake the whole neighborhood up doing it". That was at 6am. I got up and came in the livingroom and smoked a cigarette. Never no rest for Tasha. I have clothes and dishes to wash today. Gotta get my house back in order. I'm still so tired. I don't have any fever right now. Thank goodness....I hope my friend is feeling better today. Baby if you read this I'm thinking about you. Snickers is laying on the couch asleep. She is bad rurnt now. Sleeping in the bed with us has made it worse...lol...oh well she is my baby. I'm gonna get started on my housework...dreadful...I need to turn some music on and see if it will cheer me up. Goodbye for now but not forever!

Don't feel Good

Well the funeral went good...i cried a lot. I miss her already. I do not feel good at all right now. Im weak and feel dehydrated. I am running fever. I guess I have wore myself out. My friend says I need rest and nutrition..oh and a bubble bath. She is right...Maybe I will fix me some soup and then take a bubble bath....I worry about her a lot...she is sick now...I really hope she gets better soon. Makes me 
:( that she is sick. She wears herself out all the time...and she never gets time for herself...baby you need to take a bubble bath every chance you get and take time for you. I will be glad when you can relax and feel better and not feel so drained. I worry about you and I want you to be better. I miss you and I can't wait to put my arms around you again...Take care of yourself please... :)

Morning

What a morning it has been so far. All we have done is talk about mamaw. They are playing Go Rest High at the funeral and we both are going to lose it because they played that at Michaels papaws funeral and we also had it played at my dads. Neither of us can even listen to that song anymore. We always change the station when it comes on. It is going to be really hard to hear that song again. I am going to miss her so much in my life. She has been an inspiration to me for 5 years and I will never forget the impact she had on my life. I do not feel good today. My back and legs are hurting. I am not sure why. May be stress...Idk..but i wish it would stop. I woke up with someone on my mind this morning and I hope she is having a good day. I miss her and I worry bout her. She is always working and never getting any rest. She is wore down. Hopefully soon it will all slow down and she can have some time for her. Somehow even tho she feels so tired she still looks so good.. :) Im gonna go for now but not forever! 

Mamaw and My mother n law looking at her mom

Visitation and Friendship gone to hell

Well a lot of people showed up for the visitation. She looked so pretty. But she didn't really look like herself. It was hard to look at her laying there. I miss her smile and her hugs. She was an amazing woman. I love her very much. It has all around been a bad day. I stayed on the couch all morning because I was depressed and Michael stayed in bed all day. I felt so alone. I had no one to talk to and I needed to talk to someone. But no one was there...thats nothing unusual tho...My so called Best friend really has hurt my feelings the past few days. It has took me 12 years to realize this has always been a 1 sided relationship. But im done...I will always love her...but I can't keep doing this....I can't believe how stupid I have been all these years. It is unreal. Everyone has told me over and over and I would never listen. I was so in love with her at 1 time and then for years we have been Best friends....its crazy. Idk what to do about everything anymore...I can't believe it is happening and that i finally see the truth. She is never here when i need her but im ALWAYS there for her. I dont understand how she can think that it is ok to be like that. I guess somethings are not meant to understand...goodbye for now but not forever!

Morning

Well its visitation day...not looking forward to this at all. Neither is Michael. We both are kinda depressed this morning. Snickers slept with us last night and I didn't get no sleep. Since Sandy is gone snickers doesnt have a shelter to stay outside...Cause her and sandy slept in sandys house. Guess she will be an inside dog or we will build her a dog house like we did dixie...Lets just say she is stinking rotten for sure now since she slept in the bed with us. She loves her momma. And I love her too. I guess she is my child til I have one. If I ever have the chance to have one. I got up at 6 and fixed breakfast. Been on the couch ever since. I gotta get myself together today. Just really depressed I guess. for many reasons. But oh well life goes on. Im watchn CMT. Kellie Picklers video "Tough" is on right now. I like her and that song. Snickers is sitting on the loveseat biting her foot...and Michael is in the shower i guess... Justin sent me a text last night wanting me to get his pants and shirt and shoes for tonight...ugh...I'll never find them in that pigpen room they have. They was here yesterday and i do not know what he didnt get them then. makes no sense to me. Well I'm gonna go for no but not forever...

Life

Trying to hold myself together. It's getting harder and the visitation and funeral is drawing closer...I am smoking more today than I have in a long time. My nerves are shot. I hold all my emotions inside as I always have. It will get easier in time. They are going to play one of the songs we had at my dads funeral and that is going to be so hard to handle. But I will survive. I gotta stay strong for all the family around me. I have a lot on my mind and a lot of people on my mind. There is several people I haven't seen in a while that I really want to see. I miss them terribly. Earlier my biological mother called. She sounded messed up...Idk what she had taken...she drives me crazy calling me all messed up like that...She reminds me of that song "Farmers Daughter" by Crystal Bowersox....I have been listening to alot of music today on youtube. When I am depressed I listen to depressing music for some reason. Idk what's up with that. I love to sing tho...and I am sure Michael is glad I can sing good since I have been singing all day. Maybe one day i'll sing for my girl...She has never heard me sing...Every body thinks i'm better than I think i am. But it whatever...Either way I love to sing. Justin tried to put me on youtube one time...I threatened to kill him if he did...so he didn't. I ain't all about that crap. I guess I'm going to get back on youtube and sing some more. Goodbye for now but not forever!!

My Favorite kind of flowers

Gerber Daisy

photo fix up

Morning

Well we got up and took Michaels suit to have it pressed. It will not be ready until 12 thursday. The funeral is at 2 thursday. Going to be pushing for time. But we will make it. he can get dressed at the funeral home. We went grocery shopping. We had nothing to eat...Been gone all week and taking food over there for the family we ran out. Now I have a Pizza in the oven. I am going to Oxford with katie in a little while to get her nieces. I have a slight headache and Im outta cigarettes...sooo Im going to be ill before long...lol...The next 2 days are going to be hell and I am not looking forward to it at all. I have been thinking about someone today...I hope she is having a good day at work. I hope she knows I'm thinking about her. Have a good day baby and I'll see you soon. :) Goodbye for now but not forever!!

Laundry Laundry Laundry

Well I swear i have done 10 loads of laundry since I got home...gahhhh...for real 4 loads...I was so behind...I have dishes to wash...I have lost track on my whole life. But in time I will get back on track....My stepdad gave michael like 500 shirts and he is going thru them. I have no idea where all these shirts are gonna go....all 3 closets are slap full. I guess we will have to get rid of some...hell if i know. My cousin katie just got here to see us and be with us for a while. She makes us laugh so we enjoy her being here...She is a sweet girl. I love her. She is my Boo...Thats what i tell her. I miss my girl. Hopefully I will see her soon. She says she misses me too. :) she is so sweet to me. Thank you baby for being here for me and thinking about me through all this that I'm going thru. Well Im gonna get off here and check out these shirts and talk to my Boo "katie"...goodbye for now baby but not forever.....

Crazy day

First of all I just seen a sexy pic of a beautiful woman...i needed that..thanks baby. Made me smile :) Went to my mom n laws today. She is hanging in there best she can...I was so exhausted when i got there that i laid in her bed and took a nap. I feel a little rested now. I have lost a lot of sleep this past week. I hope I can sleep tonight.The visitation is not until Wednesday night and the funeral is Thursday. There is family coming from outta state. They should all be here tomorrow sometime. The next few days are going to be hard...but we are all going to make it thru it... I still got a certain pic on my mind...Can't wait to see her again...maybe soon I will see her. She looks damn good :) mmm...i gotta stop...im gonna go for now but not forever baby... :) 

The Morning After

I am tired, sore, ill, and have a headache. I didnt sleep good of course. Plus my left leg cramped me all day yesterday and all night. My arms are sore from moving mamaw around changing her and bathing her. I woke up with a headache. I think it is sinus. I will have to get me some over the counter sinus meds and take them. I cooked biscuits and fried hotdogs for breakfast. Michael ate 3 biscuits. Geeezz idk where he puts it all... we are going to his mommas in a little bit to be with her. Even tho i can't stand her I am still going to be the nice daughter n law and be there for her. Michael hasn't talked about his mamaw this morning. It is hard for him to talk about it. I let the dogs in for a little while this morning...they have missed us and are glad we are home. I am glad to be home. It was nice to just lay down... Well I gotta go get a shower and get ready to go to his mommas.....Goodbye for now my friend :) but not forever

She is Gone

Well at 5:55pm Mamaw went home to be with Jesus. Oh how much she is going to me missed. She is loved by so many people. So many hearts are broken and were not ready to let her go. I was there for 5 days and took care of her best I could. So many people came while we was there to see her and all the family. Many tears have been cried the past 5 days and many more are going to be cried. A beautiful lady went home to heaven and is up there with God now and looking down on us...She will forever be in our hearts and in our minds. Life will never be the same without her but we must move on and accept the fact she is not going to be here in person anymore and that she is not hurting and suffering anymore. While we was waiting on the funeral home  folks to get there to get her one of her daughters "Sandy" had some seizures. It was very sad as she lay out on the concrete in the water. Thank God the nurses were there...as tired as I am I couldnt have been much good to her. They called 911 and they came and got her and she will be in the hospital a few hours. The visitation is going to be tuesdat night. Waiting on family to come in from outta state...some 14 hours away and some 12 hours away. I need to go put some clothes in the washer and try to get some rest. Goodbye for now my friend, but not forever. 

Mamaw

Home for a little bit!

Well we are home for a little bit to get showers and feed the dogs. When we got here we realized Michael had no pants clean....so i have all his pants in the washer...he has wore them all the past couple of days and I didnt even know it. His grandmothers vital signs are dropping and her lungs have fluid in them now and her breathing is bad...Her eyes are already set. Its going to happen anytime now. Michael is going to wear one of his papaws suits to the funeral. All 6 of the grandsons are the pallbearers. I have no clue what I am going to wear...non of my dress clothes fit me anymore...I think I have a pair of Black Pants that i might could keep up...Just have to find me a nice top to go with them. This has been an emotional ride for all of us. It gets harder every second to watch her lay there and die. But we live just to die and we all go thru it...Just gotta stay strong and accept it even tho it is hard to. Goodbye for now but not forever!

Sad Day!

Today while I was here at home I received a phone call that they were calling the family in for Michaels grandmother...Well he left work and flew home and we flew to Myrtle. We was there about 6 hours and we just came back home so Michael could take his meds and I think after we eat a bite of something we are going back. My heart is breaking. I have been watchn this wonderful woman slowly slip away from this life into her next life in Heaven. She is barely hanging on. steadily getting worse. She will not be with us much longer. We are looking at hours instead of days. It's all in God's hands now. We are not ready to let her go but we know we have to. I am trying to stay as strong as I can for Michael. Idk how much longer I can stay strong. Its breaking my heart into. Its like Im losing my grandmother again. I lost both my grandmothers in 07. Along with 4 others. When I look at his grandmother all I can see is my grandmother who died of the same disease. It is terrible. Its killing me to know all these people I love are hurting because they are fixing to lose the most wonderful woman they know. I gotta stay strong and keep myself together...I am also worried about my friend. She is having a hard time right now. I just want her to know I am here anytime she needs to talk or just needs a hug or a shoulder to cry on. I hope she truly knows that. Im gonna go for now but not forever!

Goodnight!

Well it is getting late...I gotta go to bed before long...supposed to go see my friend in the morning before she goes to work. I hope our plans remain the same. She is someone i can talk to about anything. :) She is something else. Im watchn a movie on LMN..can't believe I am watchn tv...I am really sleepy tonight for some reason...maybe tonight i will sleep since im feeling so tired.  That rarely ever happens. i havent been sleeping good. Too much in my head to sleep....This man on this movie is crazy...no wonder women go lesbian..haha..well i gotta finish watchn this and then head to bed...goodbye for now but not forever!!

Hey!!

Well we went and ate at Mi Pueblos. It was good. Now we are back home and Michael is playing the PS3 and im goofing off on the computer. Got clothes in the dryer. Will have to fold them when they get done. I swear it seems like I wash clothes everyday!!! Its never ending. Oh well it has to be done...although I hate doing laundry. I still have a headache. Had it almost all day. I think its from stressing out. Shit happens...My carpal tunnel has been hurting today too. I think it is because of the cold weather. I know all this typing I do doesn't help. But oh well. Im just glad it isn't my back that's hurting. I don't have the pups inside with me right now. maybe later i will let them come in for a while. earlier when I vacuumed Snickers took off running and jumped on the couch and hid from me behind the pillows. She is a puss... I love her tho. I have so much on my mind that it is not even funny. Just trying to live life day by day. I try not to ever let my feelings show so I don't have to hear " What's wrong Tasha?" from people. People will one day figure out that I do not like to talk about my problems....I can't help it...Just who i am. I will listen to everyone elses problems but people are very lucky to get anything about my problems outta me...Only a few are so lucky. I do not trust many people...Well I'm gonna go for now..but never forever!!

Good Day

Well wen went and paid bills this morning and took Daniel home. THANK GOODNESS!!!!! He will be back in a few weeks Im sure. We went to Myrtle and sat with Michaels grandmother several hours. She is going down fast. It's not going to be long. She managed to tell Aunt Shirley to tell Michael that she is ready to go home and see her momma. And Michael told her it was ok if she was ready and then he lost it and ran to the kitchen and fell to his knees and i held him and we cried. He doesnt want to let her go but we know its time to do so. Its really hard on him since she is the one that raised him. I feel sorry for him. I know what he is going thru and what he is facing. It is not going to be an easy road ahead. But I am going to be there for him the whole way. I do love him. I just wish we was as happy together as we used to be. But for right now he needs me and I am going to be here. After this i do not know what will happen to us. But time will tell. He was there for me when I lost my dad and both my grandmothers and an aunt and 2 uncles in 07. I lost alot of people I loved with all my heart and he stood right there by me thru it all. I even had a nervous break down from it all and he stood by me and helped me up from that dark place in my life. So i have to be there for him and I love his grandmother like she is my own. She is a special lady. I know the end is near and its scares me because I dont know how he is going to be when and after it happens. His world is going to fall apart. I gotta stay strong for him. Besides all that it has been a good day. I talked to several places about jobs. There are a few part time openings. Thats what Im looking for for right now because my back is so weak. IDK if i can start out with a full load just yet. But if i have to I will. I will just work thru the pain best that I can. I have also gotta quit smoking again. I have got to get my mind set to quit. I am working on that. it will happen soon. I gotta go fold clothes and the washer is almost done so gotta put them in the dryer. Goodbye for now but not forever!

Long Night

Well it has been a long afternoon and night...spent 4 hours at the er..I dont even want to talk about that...such bullshit...pillheads get on my nerves. I do not feel worth a shit now..but i will be ok...tomorrow will be a long day cause we will be going to myrtle to stay with his grandmaw all day...bless her heart. I really hate seeing her like that. Gotta pay bills tomorrow. Such fun...I will be glad when I can go back to work. Will help us so much...Brrrrr its cold as hell in here...Taking Daniel home tomorrow thank goodness...its way past time for him to go....he drives me crazy...but then I think Justin and Stephanie will be back tomorrow...ughhhhh....never no peace. Im really ready to see my friend again...its gonna be great the next time we are alone together...I can't wait. She will be SHOCKED. haha...Im gonna go for now but not forever!! :) :) :)

My song...When will I ever be ME?

"Reflection"

Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day
It's as if I play a part
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

I am now
In a world where I
Have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

There's a heart that must be
Free to fly
That burns with a need to know
The reason why

Why must we all conceal
What we think, how we feel?
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

New Song

My cousin Katie and I were talking and she asked me if i have heard Rhiannas new song called  "Skin"? I said no. So I got on youtube and looked it up. Wow it is such a sexual song. Reminded me of my new friend and our passionate time and our times to come. She really needs to listen to it too. :) I love songs like that...they turn me on. I love motivation by Kelly Rowland also...mmmm...well just wanted to blog about the new song i heard. Goodbye for now but not forever!!!!!!

Nice

Morning

Well I woke up about 8. I was going to blog last night but I fell asleep on the couch with my phone in my hand. That's crazy. Rarely ever do that. I can't believe I didn't drop it and lose it in the couch somewhere. Michael woke me up sometime early this morning to go to bed. I don't have a clue what time it was. I slept pretty good. I got up and fixed breakfast. I fixed Michael 2 sausage and biscuits and fixed me bologna and biscuits. I hate sausage. All kinds of sausage. Yuck. I got food poisoning from sausage when I was 12 and it makes me sick to even think about eating it. Michael and I are going to clean my car real good today and put my stuff I bought for Christmas in my car. I can't wait to see how it is going to look. It will be all feminine and stuff :). I know I will love it. Daniel is still asleep on the couch. He stays up til 5am and then sleeps all day. That shit drives me crazy. He is a 20 year old bum. maybe one day he will grow up and stop mooching off people. God knows i love him tho. Oh well...I hope my friend is being very careful going to memphis today :) Maybe I will hear from her soon to let me know she made it safely. Well fixing to go help Michael with my car. Goodbye for now but not forever!

Home after the visit

We are back home from seeing his mamaw. She is not doing any better, but she isn't any worse either. Her vital signs are some better today. She had a lot of visitors today. She slept a lot while we were there. But enough about that for now. It is a sad topic. Snickers is laying on the back of the couch sleeping...she is so cute. Michael and Daniel are fixing to go throw the football around...thank God...I need some peace and quiet. I am really missing some people for some reason. My best friend that lives in Alabama wants me to come see her but I can't right now. She will not come here anymore because she doesn't like Michael and the way he treats me most of the time. I can't afford to go right now. Will be a while...I went 3 times in 2011. First time me and michael went together and I was so sick but I went anyways. In March I went by myself . Michael and I were having a lot of problems so I went there...well I ended up sleeping with her 2 times while I was there...craziness...and then in August me and daniel went and I got drunk as fuck and puked all night. It was funny..I was outside singing " walk around the club fuck erebody" then i puked in her flower bed...Memories. Maybe I will get to see her soon...But no sleeping together...I also miss my new friend...I love texting and talking to her. She makes me smile. I will see her soon tho. We live such different lives...but will make time for each other :) I could really use a nap right now...feel like Im exhausted...Im gonna go for now but not forever!

Very little sleep

Well I finally went to sleep around 4:30 and I woke up at 10:30. We are fixing to go back to Myrtle and spend the day with mamaw. They need me there to check her vitals every 30 mins and to turn her every 2 hours. Im glad I have the skills to help with that. Getting a taste of what I will be doing when I go to work. I am going to lose alot of sleep the next few days. I am really worried about Michael and mamaw. Idk if I can hold him together thru this. She is the one that raised him and he is not taking this good at all. he has been crying alot. He told her last night that he loved her and she managed to get out "i love you too hun". He started crying. Bless his heart..I gotta stay strong for him. Doing the best I can. I will be back to blog more tonight when we return home. Im gonna go for now but not forever!

Mamaw

We just got back from seeing Michael's mamaw...She is not doing good at all. A lot of tears have been shed and a lot more to come. She can go at anytime now and it is so hard to watch her in this shape. I have seen so much death in the past 4 years and I am not sure I can handle this. My heart aches and I do not know what to say or do to comfort his family or him. I checked her vital signs every 30 mins. They are not too good...Michael is calling into work so we can go back over there in the morning...Nurse said she could live 2 days to 2 weeks. Well only God knows that. All I know is she is tired of fighting and she is ready to go on home to heaven. Its hard to let her go but we are all tired of seeing her suffer. I love that lady just like she is my own grandmother. Its breaking my heart and soul....I gotta try to stay strong for michael....Goodbye for no but not forever!

Momma

                                                              Isn't she Beautiful?!!!

                         We was crying! So sweet. (Wow look how much weight ive lost since then)


I just got off the phone with momma. She wants me and Michael to come eat supper with them for our anniversary. Says she is going to cook our favorite meal. BBQ chicken, purple hull peas, potatoes, corn, cornbread and a dessert. I recon that is where we will be going. She also wants to show Michael and I how to play the fishing game she got for her Wii. She is super excited about her new Wii. I have never seen a 63 year old woman get excited over a game system. Its funny. She is such a sweet woman. I thank God everyday that he gave me to her when I was 3 days old. Some things are just meant to be and thats one of the things. She is my best friend and always will be. Gotta go get dressed. Michael gets off soon. He will be happy to know we are eating up there :) he loves her peas and cornbread :) country boy....Goodbye for now but not forever!

Really

                                              Paula, Daniel, and Me Back in March 2011


So when I woke up this morning I had 4 missed calls from my biological mother. I thought to myself what does she want? So i didnt call her back right away. She called again a minute ago and I had to make myself answer the phone. She wants me to take her to the emergency room becasue her shoulder is swelled up and hurt. She has rotator cuff problems. But anyways I told her I can't because Michael is in my car. She gets mad. And then she comes up with a million different things to get a away for me to take her. I told her to ask her mother and she says her mother ill not take her because she is just gonna assume she is going to get pain pills. Well thats a true story. When she has a little pain she is hunting a way to get some pain pills. I have no way to take her and she is not happy. I have taken her many times before and the last time i took her she got so fucked up that she couldn't even walk. So no Im not taking her just so she can get pills and get fucked up. Grant it I used to be a pill head. I used to be an alcoholic too. I stopped acting stupid at an early age. She is 45 and still wants to act stupid. She has 3 children. Me and my 2 younger brothers. Daniel who is 20 and Drew who is fixing to turn 7. She gave us all up for adoption. She would have rather been on drugs her whole life than to raise her own kids. Now I love this woman I really do but I can't support her habits. I can't go back to that life and if I'm around it alot I want to do it too. I love to drink but I can't do that often and I love pills...Im so thankful I could control my pill taking thru all my back problems in 2011 and my surgery. I took them like i was supposed to. There was alot of times I would want to take 3 Percocets instead of 1. But I made it through it. I'm proud of myself. Idk if she will stay mad a long time or what but Im making the best decision for me. Yes I could go borrow my moms van and take her. But I'm not going to. She can ask someone else to take her. Goodbye for now but not forever!

5 years

Well 5 years ago I got married again. Boy has it been a crazy ride. More bad than good. Our first year my dad and 5 others family members of mine passed away and my nerves were shot and I was a little crazy that year. And I had to have a major surgery..drreadful.. 2nd yr we had a wedding cause we got married at the courthouse in Boliver Tennessee. The wedding was nice. Also that year Michael lost his job from Ashley and we had to file bankruptcy. In Sept of that year we moved in with his grandmother to help take care of her since he wasn't working and was drawing unemployment. 3rd year he stayed on unemployment until Nov. We was together almost everyday that year. It was Kinda cool. He started working at Wal mart in pontotoc in Nov. 4th year I worked at dollar general and he was at wal mart. well 2011 was a terrible year for our marriage...we argued alot and I left him several times. I had Gallbladder surgery, spider bit and had to have surgery on that 3 days after my gallbladder surgery, and back surgery in Nov. He was there for me during those times. I love him for that because without him idk if i would have made it through. He is not all bad. And im not perfect either...but there is only so much i can take. I guess thats what I get for marrying a guy I didnt even know. I started working at wal mart on Oct 9,2006. Michael asked for my number on Nov. 20,2006...hated him...didnt like him at all...its crazy...I went to his house on the 22nd....so im going to skip threw Dec and go to Jan.. we got married on the 2nd of Jan in 07. We knew each other 5 weeks. Thats the craziest thing I have ever heard of. WOW! Oh well it happened and I can't change it. I got married for the wrong reasons...But not going into that today. Our marriage will either get better or it will end...Lets see how it goes... Good Bye for now but not forever!

Crazy Night

Tomorrow is our 5 year anniversary and all we have done is argue tonight. This is crazy..I am so tired of arguing all the time. Neither of us is happy and I can't understand why we are even still together. He knows the last time was the last time. I left him for 2 days and nights about a month ago and I should have stayed gone I guess. I had a peace of mind while I was gone. No arguing and no worrying about all the shit. I let him know tonight that this is a new year and I am gonna be a new Tasha. All my life I have put EVERYBODY before myself. Well thats all gonna change. I am putting me first now and I'm going to worry about me. I am in the shape I am in now physically, emotionally, and mentally because I have never took care of ME. I am not even sure how to take care of ME. maybe I will it out before long. Well he doesn't really like the idea because he thinks I'm telling him that I dont care about him. For 5 years I have put him ahead of me and he is spoiled and it is my fault and I know that. Not anymore. I gotta worry about me. I gotta find myself in this world and take care of me. Maybe it makes me sound selfish..I honestly dont know because I have never really cared about me. Especially not in the past 2 years. I have drug myself down to where i was almost nothing to myself. I can't keep living life like that. I have to believe in me...I never buy myself anything. I bought me a 4 piece car kit for christmas and I havent even took it outta the box because Im thinking about carrying it back. I always do that. I end up taking stuff I get for me back...For 5 months i have not had any clothes that fit me and I wouldn't even buy me any clothes. Well damn it im gonna get me some clothes when I get a job. Im tired of not having anything nice to wear. I have looked like a slob for too long and i deserve better than that. I am also done with helping people that don't help me.  I never ask anyone for nothin and the one time i do I get the answer no...so no more helping people over and over. I have always givin certain people my whole life. I can't keep going like that. I really don't know how i sound saying all this because I have never said this kind of stuff. I know me very well and I will prolly not stick to what I say and what I think. If i sound like a crazy person then maybe I am..idk...I just know something has got to change and soon. Im gonna go for now but not forever!

Bad Day turned Good

Well this afternoon has been pretty good besides me and Michael arguing. Thats nothing unusual... I have been texting a special friend. We are talking about our dreams. I hope one day both of our dreams come true. I know she deserves to have her dreams come true. She is also a very good photographer. I am too and i still get mad when i think about losing my camera in the bankruptcy. I did not even kno Michael had put it don for collateral...i still get mad. But soon enough I will get another camera and start taking pictures again. Photography is my passion. Always has been and always will be. :) goodbye for now but not forever!

Good Morning

Good Morning Blog....Well I didn't wake up til 10:15...I do not remember what time I finally went to sleep...I really hope today is better than yesterday. It's Sunday morning. My brother is asleep on the couch...and I'm smoking a cigarette and blogging. I gotta put laundry up and wash dishes and clothes. I need to try to vac the livingroom floor. I mopped the kitchen floor yesterday. It hurt my back some. I thought all that crap would be over, but I guess it will take a little while to build my back up more. I will be ready when im 100% again. Maybe it will not be long. I want to start walking soon. The cold weather makes my bones ache so I can't walk to long in the cold weather. But I am going to try. I did not sleep good. But my mind is racing and that's why. Maybe it will stop racing sometime soon. Gotta get over some stuff and figure out what I want to do about other stuff. Life is crazy sometimes. A lot of obstacles along the way. I am gonna go for now but not forever!