Crazy Night

Tomorrow is our 5 year anniversary and all we have done is argue tonight. This is crazy..I am so tired of arguing all the time. Neither of us is happy and I can't understand why we are even still together. He knows the last time was the last time. I left him for 2 days and nights about a month ago and I should have stayed gone I guess. I had a peace of mind while I was gone. No arguing and no worrying about all the shit. I let him know tonight that this is a new year and I am gonna be a new Tasha. All my life I have put EVERYBODY before myself. Well thats all gonna change. I am putting me first now and I'm going to worry about me. I am in the shape I am in now physically, emotionally, and mentally because I have never took care of ME. I am not even sure how to take care of ME. maybe I will it out before long. Well he doesn't really like the idea because he thinks I'm telling him that I dont care about him. For 5 years I have put him ahead of me and he is spoiled and it is my fault and I know that. Not anymore. I gotta worry about me. I gotta find myself in this world and take care of me. Maybe it makes me sound selfish..I honestly dont know because I have never really cared about me. Especially not in the past 2 years. I have drug myself down to where i was almost nothing to myself. I can't keep living life like that. I have to believe in me...I never buy myself anything. I bought me a 4 piece car kit for christmas and I havent even took it outta the box because Im thinking about carrying it back. I always do that. I end up taking stuff I get for me back...For 5 months i have not had any clothes that fit me and I wouldn't even buy me any clothes. Well damn it im gonna get me some clothes when I get a job. Im tired of not having anything nice to wear. I have looked like a slob for too long and i deserve better than that. I am also done with helping people that don't help me.  I never ask anyone for nothin and the one time i do I get the answer no...so no more helping people over and over. I have always givin certain people my whole life. I can't keep going like that. I really don't know how i sound saying all this because I have never said this kind of stuff. I know me very well and I will prolly not stick to what I say and what I think. If i sound like a crazy person then maybe I am..idk...I just know something has got to change and soon. Im gonna go for now but not forever!