Been a Rough 3 days

I have had so much on my mind the past 3 days. So much has been building up. I have realized I am finally grieving over daddy dying and dealing with all that has really gotten to me here lately. Last night I laid in bed texting my baby and telling her a lot of stuff and I cried harder than I have cried in a long time. It did help some to talk about it. Im still shocked I opened up to her like I did. Seems like all day today everybody has been talking about my daddy and I just want to get away from it but apparently I can't. I don't understand why he is being brought up so much. I played aggrevation for a little bit but my head has been hurting all day and I just don't feel like playing. Aunt Ruby is getting drunk and getting loud. She has a high pitched laugh and I want to slap her...I guess I better be nice..she is my Aunt after all. Rehgan, Becka, Huston, and little Tucker came by for a little while. Me and Becka talked for a while. We are listening to oldies music and it makes me want to get drunk or high or something....I need to hear some country or some Poison...I still haven't heard from michael...Im really starting to stress over his bullshit he is pulling. I know I shouldnt let it bother me, but it does. I think I am going to write some poems sometime this week. I have a lot on my mind and poetry always comes out of me when I have things on my mind. Writing is just my way of dealing with things I guess. Well this computer light is not helping my head any so I am gonna go for now, but not forever. Baby I love you and thank you for loving and caring for me like you do. You are my world and you will forever be.

What a Day

This day has been full of emotions...It was a good day then turned to a crappy day then back to good. I love my baby so much. I can't wait to have her in my arms again :) Me and momma got all the raking done and burned the bottom of the yard. I mowed for a while. I cook Lemon Pepper Chicken, baked potato and warmed up the dressing from Christmas that we froze...it was good. I am at Aunt Gails keeping her company tonight. She is having a hard time dealing with Huston being gone. She had her hair dyed blonde....well alot of blonde streaks in it. It looks so good. She used to keep it blonde. Now she looks like Aunt Gail again. Katie acts like everything is ok now. She is truly something else. She has issues and I have come to realize that. I just hope what everyone thinks is not true. I don't want to have to hurt her if it is true....My heart is so overwhelmed...I have fallen for a wonderful person and i don't think she knows how wonderful she really is. I still haven't heard from jackass..idk whats going to happen with the divorce..who fucking knows cause I sure don't. I just want it to be over with. I guess I am just impatient but this is all rediculous how he is acting. I got my stitches out finally and it feels so much better. I can move my finger without it hurting. :) I have so much on my mind. So many mixed things. They all just run through my head all day long. Maybe soon my mind will be able to rest and I will be back to normal again. I sure hope so before I go insane. Im trying to keep it together. Nobody really knows what all goes thru my mind everyday and all day. Best to keep some things to yourself. Of course thats how I have always been. I keep it all bottled up until I drive myself crazy and then I go off the deep end. I have crazy ass dreams all the time. I dont even like to sleep because of my dreams. This past weekend was the first time i didn't dream bad things. I know it was because I was with CeCe and I felt so safe with her beside me. I was relaxed more than I have been in a very long time. I ahve dreams about daddy all the time and that bothers me. They are never good dreams. Always bad. I have dreams of Michael and him acting stupid..im just sick of waking up crying because of my dreams. I can't get my mind to be at peace and I really don't know how to do it. Maybe in time it will all be better. I sure hope so. I am gonna go for now but not forever. I love you CeCe

A wonderful Weekend with the Love of My Life

When Friday got here my anxiety started kicking in. I was so ready to see my Darlin. When I seen her pull up at the store my heart melted. She was finally gonna be in my arms again. I had longed for that moment for a long time. We really enjoyed our time together and she got to meet the special people in my life and they all like her a lot. All I can think about is waking up with her in the bed with me for 2 mornings. That was the greatest feeling. I loved making love to her, kissing her, touch her whole body. She is so perfect and amazing...absolutely beautiful in every way. I fell in love with her all over again and it was awesome. I really hated to see her go back home. But I know she has her life down there. I hope we get to see each other again soon. I miss her like crazy already. She is my heart and I love her with everything in me. CECE thank you for such a wonderful weekend. I love you so much and I can't wait to have you in my arms again. I just want to be near you. never forget you are my life... :) i love you baby...

Gloomy Day

All this rain makes me want to just sleep. I was so mad when I got woke up at 4 this morning cramping. I am still really glad CeCe is coming this weekend. We can hold each other all weekend and talk and just spend time together. Mother Nature had other plans than I did I guess. Atleast we will be together. Im super excited. She will be here tomorrow night. Right now I am sitting in the livingroom with mom and my stepdad talking about dogs, chickens and horse shows. Not my favorite topics but OK....My fucking stitches have been pulling all day and it fucking hurts. I put some cream on my hand a little bit ago and it helped loosen them up and now they are not pulling as bad. I still haven't heard from Michael, he is really starting to piss me off. I dont know what he thinks he is doing by not responding to me. But he is only making it worse on himself...he will figure that out in the end. All I know is he better not wait til the weekend to decide to text or call me because if he tries to fuck up my weekend I will fucking hurt him. I have got to start figuring out what i am going to take with me to the hotel this weekend. I want to atleast look half ass cute for her. If thats possible!!!! JK baby...dont get all fiesty on me...Yeah I really want to cut my left ovary out...this motherfucker is acting retarded today...I hate being a damn woman sometimes...but I guess thats what God wanted me to be so I just have to deal with it. I think ill wear my boots and jeans and my cowboy hat this weekend...JK again honey...Im gonna go for now but not forever...Love you Babe

Lots On My Mind

Yesterday Michael and I were supposed to sign divorce papers. Well a bunch of shit happened and then he pulled a disappearing act. I was so ready to get them signed and get this shit over with so I can move on with my life. It looks as if I am going to have to wait a while longer. He still is not answering the phone or responding to my text messages. It is bothering me a lot. Im pretty pissed about it and hurt at the same time. He lied to me and that was not something I expected out of him. We agreed to do this without arguing and causing trouble. Apparently he wants to do this the hard way and thats not at all what I wanted to do. Its hard enough without arguing and him acting like a child. Maybe he will respond to my messages soon. I hope so anyways cause I am ready to move on with my life and share my life with CeCe. Im so excited she is coming up here this weekend. I can't wait to see her. I gotta make up my mind where we are going to stay so she doesn't have a duck. I guess Im stressing her out because I am so indecisive. Can't help it. I have always been this way...Aunt Gail texted me this morning and wanted me to come help her with her computer...I stayed over there a while and Katie came over to see us. I came back to mommas and started cleaning. My hand is pretty swollen now since I have been using it so much today. Hard to bend it. When I get done cleaning I will put an ice pack on it and give it a rest for the night. I will be so glad when I can go back home. I do not sleep worth a shit and I think it is all catching up with me. Gonna go next week and talk to some nursing homes in New Albany. Im taking my stitches out of my hand sunday so it will all be healed so I can keep looking for a job. I seriously hate living in North Mississippi..there is never any jobs here. not for what I do anyways. It sucks. Snickers tore newspaper up all over the yard this morning...im about ready to pull her fucking teeth out of her head. I have got to catch her and tie her up and I do not want to do that...Idk how long she will be in this chewing on everything stage but she needs to fucking hurry up and get out of it...I gotta get back to cleaning so Im gonna go for now but not forever... Love You baby

Tired

I went to Tupelo with Aunt Gail and momma today. I got me some clothes that actually fit. My hand has been hurting like shit all day...I will be glad when I can use it again. Its so hard doing everything left handed. Maybe by the time I am healed I will know how to do everything with both hands...another way I will be multitalented....I got home and I have been watchin movies laying in my bed with my hand propped up with an ice pack on it. Right now I am watchn "The Blind Side". One of my favorite movies ever. I love Sandra Bullock. She is one of my fav actresses. It is so boring in this room all by myself. I feel so alone. Then I think of CeCe and I start to feel better. I go tomorrow to sign my divorce papers. I have to be there at 4:00pm. I hope I will be able to sign them with my hand fucked up like it is. My whole life will change tomorrow. It will be the beginning of a new life for me. Im ready and excited for a new beginning. I have had a lot of support while going thru this separation and divorce. Without the ones thats seen me thru so far I wouldnt have made it. I love them all. Im gonna go for now but not forever. I love you Baby.

OUCH!!

I'm at Aunt Gails....my whole hand is hurting today...I woke up at about 6:15 about crying. I did not sleep much but when I did I slept pretty good. I think the 3 shots of watermelon vodka I took helped me sleep...I dreamed about me and my sweetheart. I can't wait until she gets here friday night....I just want to hold her and look in her eyes and make sweet sweet love to her. It's hard typing one handed...lol...im trying to get used to using my left hand for everything...The hospital called a little bit ago to check on me. I thought that was nice. Im sitting in Aunt Gails bedroom at her computer and hanging on the wall in a huge frame filled with lots of pictures of my entire family. We were all so young. Looking at these pictures bring back a lot of good memories. Wow how the years have flown by. There is a pic of all us grandkids and I was like 5 in the pic. God that was forever ago. We was at nanny and papaws. I sure do miss them alot. Papaw died in 97 and nanny died in 08. They were very special people. I see a few pics of my Aunt Debbie. She passed away in 07 with breast cancer. She was so beautiful and I miss her a lot also. Im glad Aunt Gail finally got internet. She loves it. Aunt Gail is a special woman. She goes in April to find out about her cancer. They have already done surgery 2 times on her face. The cancer is spreading. It scares me. I love her and Idk what I'd do if I lost her. I'm not gonna think about that right now. Im gonna get off here and go play with Little Bit and Gizzmo...They are climbing on my legs. I love you baby!