What a day

Well I am officially apart of the Hee Woman man haters club...Michael has really pissed me off. I gave him $100 2 weeks ago for gas and he can't even let me borrow $20 for a phone card. I will not ever help him again. Fuck him. He can't help me so I am done helping his stupid ass. He can go fuck himself. I am through with him. FML...

my short trip to Laurel

Last night Katie and I took off to Laurel to see my baby. I was only able to stay 3 hours but it was well worth the trip. I miss her so much already. I can't wait to have her in my arms again and to hold her hand and kiss her beautiful soft lips. I love this girl with everything I have in me and she loves me too and it is so amazing how safe I feel in her arms every time they are wrapped around me. She is so amazing. I have never felt like this before. I am so incredibly happy with her. She tells me all the time she is proud to call me her girl. She just doesn't know what she does to me. I melt at her touch, her smile, her kiss and just looking into her eyes. The feeling is wonderful and I hope it lasts a very long time. She is married and I did meet her husband this time. He is totally awesome and cool to hang out with. I am so glad he accepts me and shares her with me. He told her last night that he likes me and that her and I are cute together. Doesn't get much better than that. I realize I can only be with her forever if she leaves him. I would never ask her to do that. But I am not looking for someone to live with or get married. Maybe later in life ill settle down again. But right now I am in love with this girl and I like things the way they are. She completes my life at this time. I can't picture my life without her. She is amazing and wonderful. I am lucky to have her. She makes me so happy and happiness is something I have not had in a very long time. Im gonna go for now blog but not forever......

Tonight the tears Fell

Tonight I went to the trailor with Katie so she could take a bath and while we was there i cried for about 30mins. I started looking through pictures and found a bunch of me and Michael when we was happy and in love and remembering the good times made me cry. I have missed those good days for a few years now. A part of me really misses him and the other part is glad he is gone because I do not miss the arguing we did all the time. I was not happy and neither was he but now he knows he lost a good thing because I was really good to him and did everything for him. I really miss his family. They all mean a lot to me. I love them all and I am truly going to miss them and I hope they dont all hate me because i can't handle that. I really miss my dad and I dont think he would be very happy with my decisions I have made in life. But maybe if he was here everything would be different. But he is gone and there is nothing I can say or do about it. I just wish he was here for me to talk to. I think his words of wisdom would help me through this hard time in my life. He was always such a strong person and was always there to listen and help me with life's troubles. I also miss Michaels grandmother. I loved her just like my own grandmother. She has been gone almost 2 months and I can't believe it. I know she is in heaven looking down on us all and Im sure her heart is breaking because me and Michael are getting a divorce and I am sure she is very disappointed in the choices Michael and I have made in our lives but I pray she some day forgives us both. As I sit here in this tiny camper day by day I feel like the walls are falling in on me and I dont know how to stop it. Depression has taken over my life once again. I am back to that dark spot I said I never wanted to be in again. Well I have arrived and i just want to leave town. Run away...but as I have learned many times it does no good to leave. Well I am gonna go for now Blog but not forever!

I cant believe it is already March

Wow... March already...the time has flown by this year already...man its like life never slows down anymore...always spinning and time catches up and flies by you. It seems the older I get the faster it flies. I went and got Michael's check out of the bank this morning and paid the light bill and kept $60.00 for myself and gave him the rest of the money. Today was the first time I have seen him in over a week. He looked terrible. Hadn't shaved since I last shaved him last...I think he is realizing a lot of things. I did everything for him. He is having a hard time without me because he doesn't know how to do anything...But I guess in time he will learn how to be independent. I thought it would bother me to see him..but it didn't. It's over and I can see that now. Usually if we split up all it takes is me seeing him and I want him back. But this time it is really over and we are going through with the divorce. It is still hard on me and my anxiety is so bad today. I'm really having a hard time dealing with it all. Much harder time than I actually thought I would. My fear is being alone. I do not like being alone. My cousin katie has been staying with me for over a week and idk what I would do without her. Even though I am married I am not in love with him anymore. I have a new Love and I love her with all my heart and she loves me too. I can be myself now. Which is a lesbian. Everyone knows except My mom and stepdad. In time they will know...but not right now. Idk what I would do without my new love. She talks to me and helps me through all this. She is married also....but we are in love. Im gonna go for now but not forever...

Life

So much has happened since I last blogged. I am getting a divorce. he moved out 6 days ago. I am currently in a relationship with a woman from GulfPort. We have been together for close to 2 months. She is amazing and I have fallen in love with her and she loves me. I am a lesbian now. Still mostly in the closet but I am done with men. I don't have time to put up with their attitudes I have not been happy for a long time and its time for me to be happy for a change. Trena and I are no longer friends and that bothers me from time to time but I guess in time i will get over it. I wish her all the happiness in the world. A lot has happened in my life in the past 3 or 4 months. I have lost contact with people and made new friends. I am not going to be used anymore by anyone. I love katie my cousin. She has really been here for me and I am not sure I could have made it thru this past week without her. I can't stay in my house. I am living in my moms camper. But i am ok with that for right now. I will move back to my place as soon as i get me a job...Life will be good one day and i will be completely happy with myself and my life. But until then Im living life one day at a time. Thats alla person can do in my situation. But i am learning how strong i am. I wasnt sure i could do this...but i am doing it.

YESTERDAY

Yesterday was a terrible day...Me and Trena got in a big arguement and was cussing each other. In 12 years we have never cussed each other out. She said mean things to me and I said mean things to her. But a part of me does not regret anything I said because she has hurt me many times and sometimes people need to be told off. She let me know real quick she was going to find her kids a new God Mother since I'm throwing our friendship away. I love her kids with all my heart. But it is her choice to take me out of the paperwork. IDK who the new God Mother will be. Then my brother calls me and says he just got out of jail. I knew I hadnt heard from him in a day or so. Apparently him and his friend were drunk and out walking the roads and a cop pulled over and asked them where they was going and they said walking to the store. So then the cop said he smelled alcohol and he got out of the cop car and tried to get them to take a breathalizer test and they both refused and they started cussing the cop out and he got 3 more cops to come to where they were and they kept cussing all the cops out and calling them names and told them they aint shit just cause they got a badge on. Well they went to jail and was charged with public Drunk and something else to do with arguing with the cops. Daniel says he didnt do nothing wrong and he is going to take out harrassment papers on them. This was his last chance to get in trouble. Next time he will be in prison and he does not even care. I guess he likes jail. I worry bout him all the time. I just know one day I am going to get a call saying he has OD'd on something or he is in prison or has been shot. I just have a feeling he is going to have a short life because he says he is not going to change because he can't. Cause of his "Gang" people. He says he is in the "gang" because when he goes to prison they will have his back and they all protect each other. Thats such bullshit and it breaks my heart. There isn't anything I can do about it. He is 20 and makes his own decisions in life. All I can do is pray for him and I do that a lot. I have shed many tears worrying about him. I can't worry myself to death tho cause i obvisously see he isnt going to change. Me and Katie went to Ecru for about 30 mins yesterday and when we got back we realized we forgot to let snickers out before we left. I open the door and what do i find? my fav pair of flip flops that I've had for years chewed to pieces...I just fell to my knees and cried cause I had about had all I could handle. I threw her outside. I picked up the pieces and threw them away. I was so mad. Today Paula and Chris and katie are coming over for a Super Bowl party. Not at all excited bout that. Id rather Michael leave and go to their house and me stay here all by myself. But I guess I will just get over it. I have 2 Digornio pizzas that I am going to cook and some cheese sticks. Gotta go get some chips and dip and drinks. Maybe everybody will be happy with that. I wish I had some vodka. Id really love to get fucking drunk and pass out. But can't do that either. I haven't heard from my friend much lately I guess we are not what we used to be. I can't change that either. I got upset a few times but there is nothing I can do about it. I care for her and I hope she knows that. And Ill always be here when she needs me. I just need to kno

Been A Few Days

It has been a few days since I have blogged. I have had a lot going on and I have had a lot of confusing days here lately. I don't know what to do about some things and some people. I got my hair cut today and I love it. I think it looks great on me. I'm prolly still ugly to everyone else but oh well. Over a week ago I deleted my bestfriend of 12 years off my facebook and she has not contacted me in any way to see why I deleted her. I guess she hasn't even noticed which is something i didn't expect. I thought she would notice. But I guess I know now that she really doesn't give a shit. Yeah that hurts a lot. I gave her 12 years of my life and it obviously means nothing to her. I guess everyone else was right. I guess I should have listened years ago but I wouldn't. In the end I always get hurt no matter what relationship I am in. Friendship, relationships, friend with benefits...Im a sucker I guess and I allow myself to always get hurt. I have always been too nice and always put my whole heart into everything. I gotta learn how not to do that. I am tired of getting hurt. I got new glasses. They are pretty cute. They look good on me with my new hair cut...Im done blogging for now....