Life

So much has happened since I last blogged. I am getting a divorce. he moved out 6 days ago. I am currently in a relationship with a woman from GulfPort. We have been together for close to 2 months. She is amazing and I have fallen in love with her and she loves me. I am a lesbian now. Still mostly in the closet but I am done with men. I don't have time to put up with their attitudes I have not been happy for a long time and its time for me to be happy for a change. Trena and I are no longer friends and that bothers me from time to time but I guess in time i will get over it. I wish her all the happiness in the world. A lot has happened in my life in the past 3 or 4 months. I have lost contact with people and made new friends. I am not going to be used anymore by anyone. I love katie my cousin. She has really been here for me and I am not sure I could have made it thru this past week without her. I can't stay in my house. I am living in my moms camper. But i am ok with that for right now. I will move back to my place as soon as i get me a job...Life will be good one day and i will be completely happy with myself and my life. But until then Im living life one day at a time. Thats alla person can do in my situation. But i am learning how strong i am. I wasnt sure i could do this...but i am doing it.

YESTERDAY

Yesterday was a terrible day...Me and Trena got in a big arguement and was cussing each other. In 12 years we have never cussed each other out. She said mean things to me and I said mean things to her. But a part of me does not regret anything I said because she has hurt me many times and sometimes people need to be told off. She let me know real quick she was going to find her kids a new God Mother since I'm throwing our friendship away. I love her kids with all my heart. But it is her choice to take me out of the paperwork. IDK who the new God Mother will be. Then my brother calls me and says he just got out of jail. I knew I hadnt heard from him in a day or so. Apparently him and his friend were drunk and out walking the roads and a cop pulled over and asked them where they was going and they said walking to the store. So then the cop said he smelled alcohol and he got out of the cop car and tried to get them to take a breathalizer test and they both refused and they started cussing the cop out and he got 3 more cops to come to where they were and they kept cussing all the cops out and calling them names and told them they aint shit just cause they got a badge on. Well they went to jail and was charged with public Drunk and something else to do with arguing with the cops. Daniel says he didnt do nothing wrong and he is going to take out harrassment papers on them. This was his last chance to get in trouble. Next time he will be in prison and he does not even care. I guess he likes jail. I worry bout him all the time. I just know one day I am going to get a call saying he has OD'd on something or he is in prison or has been shot. I just have a feeling he is going to have a short life because he says he is not going to change because he can't. Cause of his "Gang" people. He says he is in the "gang" because when he goes to prison they will have his back and they all protect each other. Thats such bullshit and it breaks my heart. There isn't anything I can do about it. He is 20 and makes his own decisions in life. All I can do is pray for him and I do that a lot. I have shed many tears worrying about him. I can't worry myself to death tho cause i obvisously see he isnt going to change. Me and Katie went to Ecru for about 30 mins yesterday and when we got back we realized we forgot to let snickers out before we left. I open the door and what do i find? my fav pair of flip flops that I've had for years chewed to pieces...I just fell to my knees and cried cause I had about had all I could handle. I threw her outside. I picked up the pieces and threw them away. I was so mad. Today Paula and Chris and katie are coming over for a Super Bowl party. Not at all excited bout that. Id rather Michael leave and go to their house and me stay here all by myself. But I guess I will just get over it. I have 2 Digornio pizzas that I am going to cook and some cheese sticks. Gotta go get some chips and dip and drinks. Maybe everybody will be happy with that. I wish I had some vodka. Id really love to get fucking drunk and pass out. But can't do that either. I haven't heard from my friend much lately I guess we are not what we used to be. I can't change that either. I got upset a few times but there is nothing I can do about it. I care for her and I hope she knows that. And Ill always be here when she needs me. I just need to kno

Been A Few Days

It has been a few days since I have blogged. I have had a lot going on and I have had a lot of confusing days here lately. I don't know what to do about some things and some people. I got my hair cut today and I love it. I think it looks great on me. I'm prolly still ugly to everyone else but oh well. Over a week ago I deleted my bestfriend of 12 years off my facebook and she has not contacted me in any way to see why I deleted her. I guess she hasn't even noticed which is something i didn't expect. I thought she would notice. But I guess I know now that she really doesn't give a shit. Yeah that hurts a lot. I gave her 12 years of my life and it obviously means nothing to her. I guess everyone else was right. I guess I should have listened years ago but I wouldn't. In the end I always get hurt no matter what relationship I am in. Friendship, relationships, friend with benefits...Im a sucker I guess and I allow myself to always get hurt. I have always been too nice and always put my whole heart into everything. I gotta learn how not to do that. I am tired of getting hurt. I got new glasses. They are pretty cute. They look good on me with my new hair cut...Im done blogging for now....

Today

Today was not a good day at all. I have been very depressed for many different reasons. I hope all these thoughts and feelings soon go away. Tomorrow I find out about the job. I seriously hope i got it. I really need to go to work and not be here all the time thinking and being depressed. I can't get back like I was 2 years ago. I refuse to be that person again. I have felt so alone this weekend. No one to talk to and michael worked all weekend. The only happy time was when we played tennis. I have so missed playing tennis and I am really glad I am able to start back playing. Today i have felt worthless and like I have nobody. These kind of days are happening more often. My mind needs a break and needs to be free. I hope it comes soon. I'm tired of living like this and not being able to control my feelings or my emotions. I am tired of people hurting me and lying to me. Seems like everyone I come in contact with insists on hurting me in some way. Well that wall is going back up again so it doesnt happen anymore. My feelings matter too. But some people don't care to realize that. But that's ok. Their day is coming and they will see how it feels. I have wrote a lot of poems the past few days. It seems to help me release. I haven't wrote a poem in about a month until now. Now its like its all coming out and I have written 5 poems in 2 days. When your heart aches like mine has here lately the words come so easily. They are just freely flowing..im gonna go for now but not forever.

Poem Bout my brother

My Brother
I constantly worry about you.
You seriously scare me and that's the truth.
You are always high or fucked up on something.
I'm scared of what you life is becoming.
You choose weed and pills over living a true life.
I watch you slowly harm your body and it causes me pain and strife.
You are my brother and I love you so much.
I am beginning to realize my love is not enough.
Its hard to watch you, my brother live this way.
I have told you over and over how I feel, and that's all I know to say.
You insist on acting like our mother.
It breaks my heart and almost makes me smother.
You are following in her footsteps every day. 
I have tried for years to lead you another way. 
I can never have a normal conversation with you.
When you call you always say "man I'm threw".
That means you are gone, high as the sky.
I will talk to you every time, but deep inside I really want to cry.

Poem For Trena

Getting Over You
After all these years it's time to let you go.
For so long I thought you was my friend, but you're really just a foe.
All the things and times we shared was real to me, but not to you. 
You don't know true friendship, you don't have a clue.
Why I've always let you hurt me, I'll never know.
You are a fake and you like to put on a good show.
I loved you more than words could say.
When you left I missed you every single day.
You never cared that you put me through pain and strife.
Finally I'm over you and moving on with my life.
It's not easy moving on at all.
I know I have to be strong and not let myself fall.
I will probably always love you no matter what.
I can't let you control my life any more, I'm just not.

Poem for my Friend

Friendship/Passion

I truly enjoy having you to talk to.

You are my friend and that's the truth.

I love our passion that we share. 

I will always remember the first time I ran my fingers through your hair. 

I enjoy our conversations and our moments of laughter.

You are an awesome person with great character.

You was there when I needed you.

I appreciate it, I truly do.

When I see you I automatically smile. 

No one has made me do that in a while.

Thank you for making me feel this way.

You are a beautiful friend and that's all I need to say.