Good Morning

Well I stayed with Leann last night. Her and I stayed up like really late talking about a lot of things. She is trying to do better and I hope she continues. I do love her with all my heart. I slept in her big ass comfortable bed with her :) Haven't slept in bed with her since I was little. We laid in bed and talked for a while too and then we both drifted off to sleep. I tossed and turned a lot but I slept ok. I have got to someone figure out a way to get my mind to stop racing at night so I can sleep. Just have way too much on my mind. I really hope I get a call from the man at MillCreek next week. If I can get on there I want to save money and then transfer to Magee, Ms. I am ready to leave Pontotoc. Although some think I won't, they will see. I have to get the 2 window units put in my trailer today if it will not rain all day. It isn't raining right now but no one is up to put them in for me. I feel so tired. My back is hurting some this morning. I had an intense dream and I think I stayed tensed up during the whole dream and it made my back hurt. Im fixen to go find me something to drink and just relax a little while. I am gonna go for now but not forever.

Been a While

It has been a while since I have blogged. A lot has actually happened. A few weeks ago CeCe and I met in Richland and stayed the night in a hotel. It was great to spend time with her. We have went through a lot lately and we both have shed tears and made mistakes but we are doing ok. I do love her with all my heart and I want to be with her the rest of my life. I could never love anyone like I love that woman. She completes me and she is my reason for living everyday. She warms my heart and gives me butterflies. She always knows how to make me laugh and she always listens and cares when something is wrong. We live far apart but she is with me every second in my heart. I gave her my heart a long time ago and she holds it gently and I hold hers. She is my world and I miss her every second of every day. It is hard not getting to see each other but we have been together for 6 months and we have made it this far. Grant it we have had our problems like everybody does in a relationship. Our only real problem is the distance but we have hung in there so far and we have made it. I fucked up really bad and I almost lost her and I don't know what I would have done if she hadn't of forgiven me. We both have made mistakes and it caused a lot of mixed feelings but I know in time we will be back to the way we was. My heart beats only for her. She will prolly never fully understand what she means to me. When the time is right I will tell her but even then Idk if she will fully understand. She doesn't realize how beautiful and wonderful she really is. The touch of her hand makes my heart melt. No one has ever done that to me. I give her my heart, mind, body and soul. I am very much in love with her. And everyday it gets stronger....and at the same time everyday it gets harder being away from her. My heart longs for her, my body aches for her and my eyes cry for her. Hopefully soon we will see each other again. On the 28th of June I had a fun party and it was fun. Rehgan, Becka, aunt gail, aunt ruby, laken, and katie came. We all had a good time. The next day after my party I went to the lake for 3 days and I had a good time and I took snickers and she enjoyed herself. I came home earlier than I had planned because I got sick while I was there and I am still sick but I am better than I was. I went to the dr and got 2 shots and they helped for a few days, but it hasn't completely went away. On the 28th of July Rehgan and Becka are having a fun party and they are serving Hunch punch...thats gonna be interesting. I know we will all have fun. CeCe and Stephen got moved in their new house this past week and weekend and I know they are really tired and ready to just rest. I know they are going to be happy there and I am happy for them. They have a great marriage. Something I always wanted but never had. But shit happens. 2 days ago I was at Wal Mart and Michael and I made eye contact and that was very disturbing to me. The way he looked at me was a look he has never given me. After we made eye contact he made a beeline for the back and he stayed in the back I guess until I was out of the frozen section. Its hard to look at him and not think about the 5 years I spent with him. Do I want him back? No i dont...I do miss his presence at times because I hate being alone. I do sometimes miss how he would make me laugh and I miss the michael that I once loved....but people tell him I say I want him back and I have never said that. Me and him tried too many times to make this marriage work and it just wasn't meant to be like I once thought it was. I have moved on and I love someone else now and I hope he has fell in love again to and I do honestly wish him nothing but happiness. I talked to my baby for a while on the phone tonight. It is always so relaxing to talk to her and she makes me laugh. I am so incredibly happy with her. Baby I love you so much and please never forget that. I am gonna go for now but not forever. I Love you CeCe

Just another Day

Well its friday...I have physical therapy at 3:30...not looking forward to that but I recon I gotta go. Hope mom is feeling better today after falling yesterday. She is just going to be sore for a few days. Guess Im going to have to start doing everything for them so the dont get hurt...seems like every time something happens when Im not doing it for them. Idk what else I will do today. I guess clean house. Im still at Katies right now. Leann is gone to work and Katie and Nicki are still in the bed. I didn't sleep worth a shit as usual. I should have just gotten drunk like I wanted to. But I didn't...Tonight may be a different story...Im sure Leann will go to the VFW again...so Idk what Katie is gonna do. I guess her and Nicki will either stay at home or come to my house to keep me company..or hell I may just come back down here and keep them company. Either way is fine with me. Im gonna go for now but not forever.

Fathers Day

I hate fathers day. But i got up and went to church and sang my heart out to my daddy. I left crying. My heart was so broken all day...I laid in the livingroom floor on a mattress with a pic of me daddy beside me and cried. He did a lot wrong in his life and was not the best person but he was my daddy and I loved him and I still do. It was always a love hate thing with him. But above all he took care of me when nobody else wanted me. He had a lot of anger problems and I know that now and I know why. I miss his laugh and his smile. I miss all his jokes and stories. I am trying so hard to hang on to all my memories and memories of his laugh and his voice. But those 2 things are slowly drifting from my mind. I went to the cemetary and the wind had blown his flowers off his grave and I seen them in the woods and I went into the woods and got them and put them back on his grave and I fell to my knees crying at his tombstone. I have so many emotions built up...I kept thinking about the last fathers day I had with him and how he never got to see what I got him because he was so sick and didnt even have the strength to open his eyes to see them....and 4 days later he died....I was holding his hand when he took his last breathe and then i passed out....and I woke up on the floor to momma screaming and michael holding my head....him and the preacher caught me and kept me from hitting my head on the floor....I have never felt pain in my heart like that day and every day since. i still remember it like it was yesterday....i gues that is a memory i will never forget....although i would like to forget that day....Today i have been just so on edge and ill...I haven't slept good in a few nights and when I do sleep I have bad dreams about different people...Idk whats going on...but there is so much going on in my head that i can't even get it all out...I can't talk to no one about it...i just keep it all inside and hope it all just goes away...but I know deep down it is not gonna go away...Idk...I am gonna go for now but not forever...

Another Day

I haven't gotten a chance to blog in a while. I am enjoying being at home. Got my Direct Tv working and I have my DVD player going...Got my livingroom furniture put where I want it. Still got stuff I gotta do to make me completely happy... I have thought about CeCe so much here lately. It is 11 days til she will be here and I can't wait to see her and be in her arms again. It will be so nice. Snickers and jake both are tied up now...Snickers is heartbroken. Makes me sad. But it will be ok...I went to therapy Friday and he about killed me and I go back Monday...I gotta go to the Chiropractor Monday also. I went swimming yesterday and it about killed me...I jumped in 3 or 4 times....and did flips and stuff....prolly wasnt the smartest thing to do but I enjoyed myself. I am ready to go back to work. I just hope my back will continue to improve and not go back down hill whenever I start working again. My therapist said my line of work can undo everything he has worked to make better...I am so hoping not. Idk what i will do if that happens. I guess it will mean the CNA career will be over and I will have to go back to cashiering until I could go back to school. Momma and David are taking the van and I have no way to go...which totally sucks ass...oh well....I am gonna go back home and do some more cleaning and stuff. I am gonna go for now but not forever.... I love you CeCe.

Its Monday

Well today is Monday....it has been an ok day I guess....I went to the Chiropractor this afternoon...I have to start Physical Therapy Wednesday. I know it is going to be painful and I am not lookin forward to it but if it will help me then I am willing to endure more pain. I am gonna be off work a little while...unless I find another job that I can handle doing. Its obvious CNA may not be what I can do anymore. I am realizing that now. CeCe and I talked on the phone a while when she got off. It was good to hear her voice. I love talking to her. Sorry you got violated honey :) I am going to violate you too but I think you will like it when I do it. I haven't heard from Aunt gail..her and Aunt Ruby were at the lake with momma and David yesterday. I hope they all had a lovely time...Im sure I was talked about and thats fine...I do not care anymore...I guess it gives someone else a break when they talk about me. I went by sonic and got a watermelon slush. I love these damn things...Im addicted...Paula and my Aunt Rhonda are coming over here..YAY!! NOT! They will be here soon. I don't know why they want to see me but whatever I guess....I am gonna go for now but not forever.. I love you baby!

Been a bad day

I got up this morning and went to the dr. Well I have to have physical therapy and go to the chiropractor every day. Well while mom and I was at the dr office my aunt gail calls to see what all the dr is saying and she makes and very hurtful and mean comment that I overheard as they were talkin and I went off in the dr office. I was crying and cussing. Momma just hung up the phone. Her and I argued all day because that pissed me off and hurt me so bad and momma didn't even call her back and defend me. But thats ok....she is gone back to the lake now and I hope she stays down there until they r ready to come back home. My plans are to be moved back in my trailer when they get back. I talked to my boss and I still have a job and she is going to try to put me on part time instead of full time until I get done with physical therapy. There is still no guarantee I can be a CNA so I will be looking for another job to do. I may have to go back to being a cashier until I can go back to school. I will work anywhere just about just to be able to stay in my trailer. I have always said I would never work in fast food but if thats what I gotta do to pay my bills and be in my house I will do it until something better comes along. I am to the point of doing anything. I do not know what I would have done without my baby today. She helped me get thru this day and she never lets me give up and she loves me unconditionally. I am so happy with her. I really couldn't face a day without knowing she was on my side and that I have her in my life. She truly is my everything and I love her with every ounce of my mind body and soul. I can't wait to have her in my arms again. Baby I do love you so much. Katie is here and she is going to help me get my trailer completely ready and move my stuff back in. I can't wait to get my life back and live my life the way I want to. Atleast if people are going to talk about me I wont be around to hear it. Cause I know I will be talked about and that is fine. People can judge me and think what they want about me. Whatever makes them happy. All I am worried about is me and my sweetheart. As long as we are ok then IDC about the rest of the world. I just want to work and pay my bills and be able to do things and make it on my on. Some people seem to think I dont want to work and thats complete bullshit because I have always loved to work...and I worked my ass off to be a CNA. Some things just make no sense at all...but whatever...I will prove EVERYBODY wrong. Well I'm going to stop bitchin now...just needed to get that off my chest. I am gonna go for now but not forever. I love you CeCe.