Happiness

I just got done cleaning the camper. Now I am sitting here listening to one of my many Reba Cd's. All her songs somehow relate to my life and I love to listen to them. The past few weeks have been crazy at times and wonderful at times. I can feel myself finding true happiness for the first time in a long time. My life is not filled with arguing and drama. I have found a peace within. My mind still works overtime but I know in time all that will get better. But until then I am going to remain strong and live my life like I want to and do the things that make me happy. I have laughed and smiled a lot more lately. I have people in my life that truly love me and care about my happiness and I love and care about their happiness also. Without them my happiness would be gone. The girl I have fallen in love with lights up my life and makes me happier than I have been in years. She has no idea what she does to me. I hope she knows how much I do truly love her and that she never doubts that. Their are a few people that try to get in our way of having our relationship but Im not going to let nothing tear us apart. I hope I make her as happy as she makes me. I can't wait to see her again and to feel her body against mine. Right now Reba's song "How Was I To Know" is playing. This song relates to my life right now...I never thought I'd be this strong to move on from Michael and face my life without him. The fear of being alone is what I have been afraid of. But I realize now that I am not alone. She may be 6hrs away but she is always with me and anytime I need her she will be there for me to talk to. I thought my world was crashing down a few weeks ago...and maybe it did, but I have picked up the pieces and day by day I have been moving on with my life. Sure I miss having someone to hold me or me hold them but in time I will get passed that. I have my baby to hold me when we see each other. She is all I want and need. Im gonna go for now but not forever!! :) :) 

Today is a brand new day

My baby has been at the Hospital for a few nights with her hubby. She has been on my mind a lot. She didn't get to come up but we have talked and texted a lot. Which I love doing. I love all of our conversations and laughs that we share together...oh and the phone sex and sexting ;)....i went and got groceries and got them put up. Michael just texted me and pissed me off of course...but that is nothing unusual. I am ready for him to officially be out of my life so I do not have to deal with him. I love my baby CECE...we are very happy together. I am trying to get adjusted to staying in mommas house...i am not liking it so far...but maybe it will grow on me sooner or later. Katie bug stay with me still...idk what I would do without her and cece...those 2 are my heart and soul. I really can't wait to have my girl in my arms again. its going to be awesome. I love you baby.... Goodbye for now but not forever!!!

My Baby

I never in my life thought I could feel this way about anyone ever again in my life....I am so in love with this girl. She completes me and I can't even begin to picture my life without her. She is coming up here tomorrow to see me and I can't wait to get her in my arms again. She is my heart and soul and I love her with everything in me. The awesome thing is she loves me back. The connection and the feelings we have are over powering. She makes me melt with one touch...her lips are so soft and wonderful. I can't wait to have her in my arms...goodbye for now but not forever!! I Love Celia

What a day

Well I am officially apart of the Hee Woman man haters club...Michael has really pissed me off. I gave him $100 2 weeks ago for gas and he can't even let me borrow $20 for a phone card. I will not ever help him again. Fuck him. He can't help me so I am done helping his stupid ass. He can go fuck himself. I am through with him. FML...

my short trip to Laurel

Last night Katie and I took off to Laurel to see my baby. I was only able to stay 3 hours but it was well worth the trip. I miss her so much already. I can't wait to have her in my arms again and to hold her hand and kiss her beautiful soft lips. I love this girl with everything I have in me and she loves me too and it is so amazing how safe I feel in her arms every time they are wrapped around me. She is so amazing. I have never felt like this before. I am so incredibly happy with her. She tells me all the time she is proud to call me her girl. She just doesn't know what she does to me. I melt at her touch, her smile, her kiss and just looking into her eyes. The feeling is wonderful and I hope it lasts a very long time. She is married and I did meet her husband this time. He is totally awesome and cool to hang out with. I am so glad he accepts me and shares her with me. He told her last night that he likes me and that her and I are cute together. Doesn't get much better than that. I realize I can only be with her forever if she leaves him. I would never ask her to do that. But I am not looking for someone to live with or get married. Maybe later in life ill settle down again. But right now I am in love with this girl and I like things the way they are. She completes my life at this time. I can't picture my life without her. She is amazing and wonderful. I am lucky to have her. She makes me so happy and happiness is something I have not had in a very long time. Im gonna go for now blog but not forever......

Tonight the tears Fell

Tonight I went to the trailor with Katie so she could take a bath and while we was there i cried for about 30mins. I started looking through pictures and found a bunch of me and Michael when we was happy and in love and remembering the good times made me cry. I have missed those good days for a few years now. A part of me really misses him and the other part is glad he is gone because I do not miss the arguing we did all the time. I was not happy and neither was he but now he knows he lost a good thing because I was really good to him and did everything for him. I really miss his family. They all mean a lot to me. I love them all and I am truly going to miss them and I hope they dont all hate me because i can't handle that. I really miss my dad and I dont think he would be very happy with my decisions I have made in life. But maybe if he was here everything would be different. But he is gone and there is nothing I can say or do about it. I just wish he was here for me to talk to. I think his words of wisdom would help me through this hard time in my life. He was always such a strong person and was always there to listen and help me with life's troubles. I also miss Michaels grandmother. I loved her just like my own grandmother. She has been gone almost 2 months and I can't believe it. I know she is in heaven looking down on us all and Im sure her heart is breaking because me and Michael are getting a divorce and I am sure she is very disappointed in the choices Michael and I have made in our lives but I pray she some day forgives us both. As I sit here in this tiny camper day by day I feel like the walls are falling in on me and I dont know how to stop it. Depression has taken over my life once again. I am back to that dark spot I said I never wanted to be in again. Well I have arrived and i just want to leave town. Run away...but as I have learned many times it does no good to leave. Well I am gonna go for now Blog but not forever!

I cant believe it is already March

Wow... March already...the time has flown by this year already...man its like life never slows down anymore...always spinning and time catches up and flies by you. It seems the older I get the faster it flies. I went and got Michael's check out of the bank this morning and paid the light bill and kept $60.00 for myself and gave him the rest of the money. Today was the first time I have seen him in over a week. He looked terrible. Hadn't shaved since I last shaved him last...I think he is realizing a lot of things. I did everything for him. He is having a hard time without me because he doesn't know how to do anything...But I guess in time he will learn how to be independent. I thought it would bother me to see him..but it didn't. It's over and I can see that now. Usually if we split up all it takes is me seeing him and I want him back. But this time it is really over and we are going through with the divorce. It is still hard on me and my anxiety is so bad today. I'm really having a hard time dealing with it all. Much harder time than I actually thought I would. My fear is being alone. I do not like being alone. My cousin katie has been staying with me for over a week and idk what I would do without her. Even though I am married I am not in love with him anymore. I have a new Love and I love her with all my heart and she loves me too. I can be myself now. Which is a lesbian. Everyone knows except My mom and stepdad. In time they will know...but not right now. Idk what I would do without my new love. She talks to me and helps me through all this. She is married also....but we are in love. Im gonna go for now but not forever...