Today

Today was not a good day at all. I have been very depressed for many different reasons. I hope all these thoughts and feelings soon go away. Tomorrow I find out about the job. I seriously hope i got it. I really need to go to work and not be here all the time thinking and being depressed. I can't get back like I was 2 years ago. I refuse to be that person again. I have felt so alone this weekend. No one to talk to and michael worked all weekend. The only happy time was when we played tennis. I have so missed playing tennis and I am really glad I am able to start back playing. Today i have felt worthless and like I have nobody. These kind of days are happening more often. My mind needs a break and needs to be free. I hope it comes soon. I'm tired of living like this and not being able to control my feelings or my emotions. I am tired of people hurting me and lying to me. Seems like everyone I come in contact with insists on hurting me in some way. Well that wall is going back up again so it doesnt happen anymore. My feelings matter too. But some people don't care to realize that. But that's ok. Their day is coming and they will see how it feels. I have wrote a lot of poems the past few days. It seems to help me release. I haven't wrote a poem in about a month until now. Now its like its all coming out and I have written 5 poems in 2 days. When your heart aches like mine has here lately the words come so easily. They are just freely flowing..im gonna go for now but not forever.

Poem Bout my brother

My Brother
I constantly worry about you.
You seriously scare me and that's the truth.
You are always high or fucked up on something.
I'm scared of what you life is becoming.
You choose weed and pills over living a true life.
I watch you slowly harm your body and it causes me pain and strife.
You are my brother and I love you so much.
I am beginning to realize my love is not enough.
Its hard to watch you, my brother live this way.
I have told you over and over how I feel, and that's all I know to say.
You insist on acting like our mother.
It breaks my heart and almost makes me smother.
You are following in her footsteps every day. 
I have tried for years to lead you another way. 
I can never have a normal conversation with you.
When you call you always say "man I'm threw".
That means you are gone, high as the sky.
I will talk to you every time, but deep inside I really want to cry.

Poem For Trena

Getting Over You
After all these years it's time to let you go.
For so long I thought you was my friend, but you're really just a foe.
All the things and times we shared was real to me, but not to you. 
You don't know true friendship, you don't have a clue.
Why I've always let you hurt me, I'll never know.
You are a fake and you like to put on a good show.
I loved you more than words could say.
When you left I missed you every single day.
You never cared that you put me through pain and strife.
Finally I'm over you and moving on with my life.
It's not easy moving on at all.
I know I have to be strong and not let myself fall.
I will probably always love you no matter what.
I can't let you control my life any more, I'm just not.

Poem for my Friend

Friendship/Passion

I truly enjoy having you to talk to.

You are my friend and that's the truth.

I love our passion that we share. 

I will always remember the first time I ran my fingers through your hair. 

I enjoy our conversations and our moments of laughter.

You are an awesome person with great character.

You was there when I needed you.

I appreciate it, I truly do.

When I see you I automatically smile. 

No one has made me do that in a while.

Thank you for making me feel this way.

You are a beautiful friend and that's all I need to say.

Spring Cleaning

Well it is not actually spring time yet but today I have been doing spring cleaning. I swept the ceilings and walls...I did a lot of house work today. Michael helped me some. I feel so tired now..I think mostly because my head is hurting. 4 days in a row now. I took a BP pill to see if it would help and so far it hasn't. It is a tension headache I do believe. I know I am tired of it. It hurts so bad at times that I feel like I can't even function right. I have listened to a lot of songs today...Songs that bring back lots of memories. Some good and some bad. I have truly fell in love with "Address in the Stars" By Caitlin and Will. I listen to it a lot. It is such a true song. They are super amazing. I wish I had the song on my phone. If it wasn't such a sad song I would sing it at my next outing..but I always have to sing cheerful songs..guess I can't sing that one...Ill just sing it here at home. It has been a while since I sang in public..hopefully I will not have to for a long time...my nerves are too bad these days for all of that stuff. Sometimes I miss it but most of the time not. I do just as well at home or in my car...lol...but if asked i will sing...maybe...Right now Im listening to "you are not alone" by Michael Jackson..its the only song i like by him. It is an amazing song. I have sang it many times to a certain person...but that will never happen again. NEVER. I really need to sit down and write some poems. I have thought about that a lot today. I need to get back to doing it more often...I wish i could get my poems published. I could never be so lucky. I don't even want any money for them. Your feelings can't be bought. And they are my feelings. I just want them published to possible help someone that might feel the way I do about things. maybe one day :) I can always hope...maybe tonight I will write a few special people a poem a piece. We will see...Im gonna get off here for now but not forever :)

Today was a day!

Well My tire is fixed thank goodness..Had to buy a used tire..I sure hate having to spend money on stuff like that...How come everything cant just always work properly??? wouldn't that be a dream?? Well I have had a headache most of the day...oh and my so dear sweet husband tells me I am looking old cause my eyes are getting dark from no sleep..i was like geez thanks hun, now tell me how u really feel...I guess he is right..he says he is going to make me go to the doctor..i seriously think not...I will be fine... When my body finally wears down completely I guess I will sleep...I hope my friend had a good day at work today..I have thought about her several times thru the day. I always wonder if she feels ok and if everything is going good. My pup is laying in the floor snoring and michael is on the other end of the couch snoring...and im propped up playing on the computer..my back and hip popped earlier...scared me cause now im hurting...but I will live..Im gonna go for no but not forever!

My Sweet Friend

I have such a sweet friend. I really appreciate her taking me to Wal mart to get Michaels meds. It was so good to see her and get to talk to her. She looked so pretty with her little flower in her hair :) Thanks baby for taking me. I owe you and you will be repaid one way or the other ;) I am excited to hang out with her Friday. Its going to be great. I can't wait to see what she gets done to her hair. I know it will be beautiful. Just spending the day with her will be amazing. I can't wait..its going to be fun..lol..I really miss her when I don't get to see her for weeks. But its part of life..and it makes our times together even sweeter. Thanks for asking me to go..that makes me smile :) Im gonna go for now but not forever!