Mamaw

We just got back from seeing Michael's mamaw...She is not doing good at all. A lot of tears have been shed and a lot more to come. She can go at anytime now and it is so hard to watch her in this shape. I have seen so much death in the past 4 years and I am not sure I can handle this. My heart aches and I do not know what to say or do to comfort his family or him. I checked her vital signs every 30 mins. They are not too good...Michael is calling into work so we can go back over there in the morning...Nurse said she could live 2 days to 2 weeks. Well only God knows that. All I know is she is tired of fighting and she is ready to go on home to heaven. Its hard to let her go but we are all tired of seeing her suffer. I love that lady just like she is my own grandmother. Its breaking my heart and soul....I gotta try to stay strong for michael....Goodbye for no but not forever!

Momma

                                                              Isn't she Beautiful?!!!

                         We was crying! So sweet. (Wow look how much weight ive lost since then)


I just got off the phone with momma. She wants me and Michael to come eat supper with them for our anniversary. Says she is going to cook our favorite meal. BBQ chicken, purple hull peas, potatoes, corn, cornbread and a dessert. I recon that is where we will be going. She also wants to show Michael and I how to play the fishing game she got for her Wii. She is super excited about her new Wii. I have never seen a 63 year old woman get excited over a game system. Its funny. She is such a sweet woman. I thank God everyday that he gave me to her when I was 3 days old. Some things are just meant to be and thats one of the things. She is my best friend and always will be. Gotta go get dressed. Michael gets off soon. He will be happy to know we are eating up there :) he loves her peas and cornbread :) country boy....Goodbye for now but not forever!

Really

                                              Paula, Daniel, and Me Back in March 2011


So when I woke up this morning I had 4 missed calls from my biological mother. I thought to myself what does she want? So i didnt call her back right away. She called again a minute ago and I had to make myself answer the phone. She wants me to take her to the emergency room becasue her shoulder is swelled up and hurt. She has rotator cuff problems. But anyways I told her I can't because Michael is in my car. She gets mad. And then she comes up with a million different things to get a away for me to take her. I told her to ask her mother and she says her mother ill not take her because she is just gonna assume she is going to get pain pills. Well thats a true story. When she has a little pain she is hunting a way to get some pain pills. I have no way to take her and she is not happy. I have taken her many times before and the last time i took her she got so fucked up that she couldn't even walk. So no Im not taking her just so she can get pills and get fucked up. Grant it I used to be a pill head. I used to be an alcoholic too. I stopped acting stupid at an early age. She is 45 and still wants to act stupid. She has 3 children. Me and my 2 younger brothers. Daniel who is 20 and Drew who is fixing to turn 7. She gave us all up for adoption. She would have rather been on drugs her whole life than to raise her own kids. Now I love this woman I really do but I can't support her habits. I can't go back to that life and if I'm around it alot I want to do it too. I love to drink but I can't do that often and I love pills...Im so thankful I could control my pill taking thru all my back problems in 2011 and my surgery. I took them like i was supposed to. There was alot of times I would want to take 3 Percocets instead of 1. But I made it through it. I'm proud of myself. Idk if she will stay mad a long time or what but Im making the best decision for me. Yes I could go borrow my moms van and take her. But I'm not going to. She can ask someone else to take her. Goodbye for now but not forever!

5 years

Well 5 years ago I got married again. Boy has it been a crazy ride. More bad than good. Our first year my dad and 5 others family members of mine passed away and my nerves were shot and I was a little crazy that year. And I had to have a major surgery..drreadful.. 2nd yr we had a wedding cause we got married at the courthouse in Boliver Tennessee. The wedding was nice. Also that year Michael lost his job from Ashley and we had to file bankruptcy. In Sept of that year we moved in with his grandmother to help take care of her since he wasn't working and was drawing unemployment. 3rd year he stayed on unemployment until Nov. We was together almost everyday that year. It was Kinda cool. He started working at Wal mart in pontotoc in Nov. 4th year I worked at dollar general and he was at wal mart. well 2011 was a terrible year for our marriage...we argued alot and I left him several times. I had Gallbladder surgery, spider bit and had to have surgery on that 3 days after my gallbladder surgery, and back surgery in Nov. He was there for me during those times. I love him for that because without him idk if i would have made it through. He is not all bad. And im not perfect either...but there is only so much i can take. I guess thats what I get for marrying a guy I didnt even know. I started working at wal mart on Oct 9,2006. Michael asked for my number on Nov. 20,2006...hated him...didnt like him at all...its crazy...I went to his house on the 22nd....so im going to skip threw Dec and go to Jan.. we got married on the 2nd of Jan in 07. We knew each other 5 weeks. Thats the craziest thing I have ever heard of. WOW! Oh well it happened and I can't change it. I got married for the wrong reasons...But not going into that today. Our marriage will either get better or it will end...Lets see how it goes... Good Bye for now but not forever!

Crazy Night

Tomorrow is our 5 year anniversary and all we have done is argue tonight. This is crazy..I am so tired of arguing all the time. Neither of us is happy and I can't understand why we are even still together. He knows the last time was the last time. I left him for 2 days and nights about a month ago and I should have stayed gone I guess. I had a peace of mind while I was gone. No arguing and no worrying about all the shit. I let him know tonight that this is a new year and I am gonna be a new Tasha. All my life I have put EVERYBODY before myself. Well thats all gonna change. I am putting me first now and I'm going to worry about me. I am in the shape I am in now physically, emotionally, and mentally because I have never took care of ME. I am not even sure how to take care of ME. maybe I will it out before long. Well he doesn't really like the idea because he thinks I'm telling him that I dont care about him. For 5 years I have put him ahead of me and he is spoiled and it is my fault and I know that. Not anymore. I gotta worry about me. I gotta find myself in this world and take care of me. Maybe it makes me sound selfish..I honestly dont know because I have never really cared about me. Especially not in the past 2 years. I have drug myself down to where i was almost nothing to myself. I can't keep living life like that. I have to believe in me...I never buy myself anything. I bought me a 4 piece car kit for christmas and I havent even took it outta the box because Im thinking about carrying it back. I always do that. I end up taking stuff I get for me back...For 5 months i have not had any clothes that fit me and I wouldn't even buy me any clothes. Well damn it im gonna get me some clothes when I get a job. Im tired of not having anything nice to wear. I have looked like a slob for too long and i deserve better than that. I am also done with helping people that don't help me.  I never ask anyone for nothin and the one time i do I get the answer no...so no more helping people over and over. I have always givin certain people my whole life. I can't keep going like that. I really don't know how i sound saying all this because I have never said this kind of stuff. I know me very well and I will prolly not stick to what I say and what I think. If i sound like a crazy person then maybe I am..idk...I just know something has got to change and soon. Im gonna go for now but not forever!

Bad Day turned Good

Well this afternoon has been pretty good besides me and Michael arguing. Thats nothing unusual... I have been texting a special friend. We are talking about our dreams. I hope one day both of our dreams come true. I know she deserves to have her dreams come true. She is also a very good photographer. I am too and i still get mad when i think about losing my camera in the bankruptcy. I did not even kno Michael had put it don for collateral...i still get mad. But soon enough I will get another camera and start taking pictures again. Photography is my passion. Always has been and always will be. :) goodbye for now but not forever!

Good Morning

Good Morning Blog....Well I didn't wake up til 10:15...I do not remember what time I finally went to sleep...I really hope today is better than yesterday. It's Sunday morning. My brother is asleep on the couch...and I'm smoking a cigarette and blogging. I gotta put laundry up and wash dishes and clothes. I need to try to vac the livingroom floor. I mopped the kitchen floor yesterday. It hurt my back some. I thought all that crap would be over, but I guess it will take a little while to build my back up more. I will be ready when im 100% again. Maybe it will not be long. I want to start walking soon. The cold weather makes my bones ache so I can't walk to long in the cold weather. But I am going to try. I did not sleep good. But my mind is racing and that's why. Maybe it will stop racing sometime soon. Gotta get over some stuff and figure out what I want to do about other stuff. Life is crazy sometimes. A lot of obstacles along the way. I am gonna go for now but not forever!